hey.

it’s 12 AM and i just wanted to get something off my chest before i head to bed

i hate youtube, with a gut i hate youtube
i feel like everything is being violently stripped from me whenever i can’t seek help and they decide to pop an ad in my face when i’m not feeling it
you don’t understand how many times i’ve been on the verge of killing myself and then they have to throw some stupid t moblie and in my fucking face
what pisses me off even more is how they barely pay their creators
you make enough fucking money, why can’t you help me?
how many people have you pushed into homelessness because you cant keep your greedy ass hands off the profit of the algorithm?
i want to be a content creator, but i don’t want to be a starving artist.

this brings me to a lot of separate topics im planning on mentioning

according to a wikipedia article, pedophilia is below %5 in men than women, which is horrifying that i was chosen in the roulette of the %5 who became a victim
this article also mentions that not much is known on female pedophiles, and that really sucks to hear in any case
i understand it’s more common for pedophiles to be men, we’ve all heard about it once or twice, but it almost seems as if they’re protecting female pedophiles?
this is common, common for people to protect women just for being women rather than the person they are
i don’t like seeing people consoling female pedophiles, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s disgusting.

in my case, i had to deal with a 14 y/o who just needed someone to talk to, and i completely understand that
he kept pushing my limits, and i let him, and i hate myself for that
even still, i think about how stupid i was to let him keep pushing my boundaries.
recently, i’ve been thinking about how different it would be if he was a woman
if he had made me think everything would be ohkay and if he would give me that same amount of emotional and romantic support
and it fucking tears me to the core that he could get away with it just as easily.
and it makes me want to kill myself to think that he could’ve been a woman and gotten sympathy for it, to have it let off as a silly mistake.
and it breaks me to my knees to know that i can’t do shit about it.

i don’t like the long form videos where they’re trying to find pedos via discord or roblox, and they only target men
as if women don’t do it as well.

if i were to be the executer, if he were to be the victim, would it be the same?
i hate the fact that it would be the same, in fact, i hate the fact that i could get more out of him because of the fact im a woman.
because i know people would defend me if i were to ever do something as horrible as that.

youtube, twitter and reddit are the baseline for exposing people, especially pedophiles
i’ve known that fact for years, years longer than i should’ve
i wish i could’ve just stayed a kid
they teach you about avoiding it and why it’s bad, but they rarely teach you how
why does it always have to be too late?
what sickens me even more is the fact that it’s people i love, people who’s content inspires me
i’ve seen no studies whatsoever on what goes on in a content creators mind to make them start harassing children, and i wish that was what people could focus on
i wish that they could get the help they need, the help they deserve before they take things to those lengths and get arrested

maybe more children would’ve been happier if they weren’t the targets for an adults next victim.

thats my rant, i just wanted to talk about that because it’s been bugging me for a while now

posting something regarding the drama in like 2 hours bc it happened on my post and i have the right to comment on it (this isnt escalation ☕)

about the post two hours ago
my parents were yelling at me and i just
couldnt
i broke down right in front of them and it seemed like they couldn\’t care less
it was over something small, too

i just wish i knew what was wrong with me
i want an answer so i can at least be normal
im fucking sick of whatever shit my parents are on
why am i the only one getting therapy?

my mom is a fucking alchoholic and gets mad whenever i tell her to STOP FUCKING DRINKING
my dad LOVEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS to smoke and by this point i might as well sniff sharpies because the second hand smoke is so real.
they are in my top 10 of reasons im going to fucking kill myself and its driving me insane
they have no regard for my mental health when were in the moment
but all of a sudden they give me sympathy AFTER having a mental breakdown in my room?
fuck that, i would rather hang myself than listen to their bulllshit anymore

my mom told me to go play drums before i got on the computer today, but i was feeling drained so i didn\’t really play much
she came in to check on me and told \’eh you can play a little longer\’
i went up to her and my dad saying that i just didn\’t feel like playing today and she went \’not my problem\’
then things started getting heated and she raised her voice
she told ME (the only person who was barely being able to get a word in) to calm down and watch my tone with her, so i tell her that she was mad at me this morning when im just doing what im supposed to do
my dad starts yelling at me and at this point i want to strangle myself
guess what we were fighting about?
me not \’trying\’ to do things
what the fuck is that supposed to mean? i try all the fucking time to make things right
i try to be funny, i try to be entertaining
i even try to make friends on this shitty hellhole called earth but thats also going bad for me, so what do you expect when im always mentally and physically drained to the point that i cant get up in the morning?
and you KNOW this
you KNOW i have a hard time getting up in the morning and continue to let it happen
i told both of them to fuck off and went to my room
i heard them in the living room calling me a dumbass and retarded and it made me so mad to the point where i wanted to punch a hole in my door
my mom comes to my room after im finished with my mental breakdown, doesnt try to console me or say that shes sorry
she just tells me to get up and were going to do a puzzle together

my dad starts getting mad at me because im taking my sweet time trying to figure out this puzzle, and it makes me even more mad

so, my wackass opinion of the day is that im going to kill myself and that my parents should\’ve worn a condom next time!