I hear you, believe me I do and I imagine you’re not exactly the person to be wanting any advice from a stranger on the internet acting like they have the answer but I have experienced exactly the same as what you are and I just want to say that it’s not always like that.

Sometimes you need to find the time and the means to know what you want, allowing yourself to be free from as much as you can whilst also perceiving your own freedom can grant you some time to reflect on why you feel the way you do whilst also building up new tendencies and restoring any lost passion for things you may have. A lot of what you tell yourself and think the world around you is the easier it is to become depressed or engulfed in the wrong beliefs, it’s not necessarily all perceived but the first thing to do is to not wallow in self-hate or doubt.

Might not have meant much but hopefully it finds you well, it sucks to feel so lost or like life has no purpose.