介绍
Taking an Impact Driver to my Cranium is a “game” about the endless conflict between the denizens of the mortal coil, Russia, and the creatures that live in your parents’ basement. It’s the type of game that worms its way into your brainstem and sits there for e̷t̶e̸r̶n̵i̷t̷y̷. Going into Genshin Impact, it’s important to understand that the age of consent is 18 years old, and so long as you never forget, you’ll probably be fine. In this game, you play as the Living Manifestation of Squandered Potential, who finds themselves stranded on the beaches of Normandy after watching their sibling get vored by God. It’s a game that depends on a Pokémon Type Advantage Chart that only plays by its own rules when it feels like it. When you play Genshin Impact, it’s not for the story, or the world, or anything that you would associate with a video game. No, you play Genshin Impact because you want to socially isolate yourself even more than science originally deemed possible by lusting over fictional characters.

重要的东西
Genshin Impact is not a game for people that easily succumb financially to the downfall of humanity as we know it, women. I say with the utmost confidence that this is the reason most people pick up this game in the first place, and I can’t say I don’t understand, because I do. It is for this reason that the most important part of this game is not the part that you actually play, but the part where you roll a d20 to gain an attractive person and parade them around like a parent running their kid around for a toy review channel for kids on YouTube. While we’re here, it’s important to note that if you’re playing this game on PC through the Epic Games Launcher, you have to allow MiHoYo to run it’s Chinese Surveillance State every single time you launch the game. That is to say, this game’s anti-cheat is very strong, so you better hope you don’t have anything on your computer that you don’t want China to see if Xi Jinping ever decides to harvest your device’s data.

玩游戏
Genshin Impact is a game about fucking around with the elements like a chemistry professor having a psychotic episode mid-lecture. As such team composition is among the most important mechanics to understand, but fuck that, the key to having fun in this game is to strike a balance between playing optimally and keeping your play-style loose, because playing optimally means outing yourself as a pedophile on the internet. Do not try to min-max because RNG will physically age you 40 years. Playing optimally means wasting your life in the Gacha System trying to get a “Thermonuclear Bomb with a Canonically Lethal Waistline” or “The Literal God of Rocks.”

故事
Genshin Impact’s “Teyvat” is a world collectively ruled by The Seven. Higher Powers which rule the seven elements while giving superpowers to mentally deranged lunatics, except for the God of Nature, who has zero characters to their name. This all came about long ago when their were way more gods that all fought one another for power, this all culminated into the Teyvat that we, the player, travel in today. The war resulted in the Seven Gods of each element ruling over their respective lands with their own respective totalitarian regimes. The game takes place in 3 (or 4 if you’re from the future) nations, The first of which is Mondstadt, a lawlessly land found in Eastern Florida. Mondstadt is a nation which depends almost entirely vigilante justice since the Catholic Church and Provisional Government refuse to do literally anything about the Wolf Infestations and the Murderous Dragon. Next we have China, a land ruled by The Rock God of Contracts and the Tianquan Ningguang of the Liyue Qixing (these are all real terms). Liyue has fallen into a state of unrest because I caused a public display of violence in the streets because the entire Liyue Chapter of the game’s main story is a gigantic waste of the player’s time. The third nation, Inazamu, is a literal dictatorial regime controlled by the God of Electricity, who has issued a crackdown on the nation’s second amendment right to keep and bear arms which is being enforced by the Tri-Commission’s Kanjou Commission.

战斗
Combat in Head-On Collision is very simple. It can be easily boiled town to “Swap between your Main-DPS Punching Bag and also the other ones.” The game’s incentive on DPS makes the character archetype of “the tank” completely worthless because health is nothing more than a shackle. Even with how common Attack and HP are, the game is generally pretty good at giving you what you want when you want it, unless what you want is anything related to CRIT. That being said, what kind of enemies should you expect to find in this game? The answer is unfortunate. Enemies in this game belong to 1 of 5 groups, The first are The Hilichurls, a race of sapient, humanoid lifeforms with their own language and culture different to that of humanity. It is for this reason that the game forces us to do combat with them. The Hilichurls are…[Read more]

It is so fucking difficult to not just plagiarize Max0r