Thought I’d leave some criticisms to your characters origins / story, keep in mind it isn’t meant to be taken in any Ill-manner, it’s purely for betterment purposes.
Paragraph 1:
It is said that Invader lives on a secret alien planet the question now is why is it secret and from what, secret to us and our perception of the universe etc?
You said how Invaders parents made ticalas which are children so do you mean they made Invader or that they literally make children for a living?
Paragraph 2:
You speak of how Invader had a band called spine breakers and how it had risen to fame, this is all fine but what struck me as strange was how out-of-pocket this felt, it’s giving me a confused feeling as to whether this is a light-hearted teenage band style story or something more dark sinister and real. You can still make it work but understanding the tone for your story and ‘world’ is very important.
Paragraph 3:
There is a ‘soon to be ex’ in the story that was the aggressor of Snoop, I feel like name’s and some context should be given, like why would Invader’s partner in their relationship attack some random person. Next why would Invader immediately go to using a hammer on his still partner but eventual ex, surely they would question first or something else. It can still work but the severity of the situation and overall the characters feelings should be described well enough for the reader / watcher to know how they felt and why they reacted a certain way.
Paragraph 4:
Supposedly Invader’s family has a sort of culture or tradition of assassin work, maybe you could tie this strange twisted culture into invader’s parents alcohol addiction implying there was something wrong with them for some reason. You say how Invader kills people on his own and all this other stuff the question remains as to why though, why would Invader kill and why would their parents allow it / promote the idea of assassin work?
To summarise you’ve got to ask why certain things happen as well as describing what is going on in the story well enough for the reader to know what you mean and why you said / wrote it.
You’re trying too hard to fit the most random aspects whilst still trying to go with an edgy feel , which itself is deviant art levels of wrist cutting
In a planet full of assassins as a culture , a metal band doesn’t really fit in , especially one called “spine breakers”
Add a reason for them killing humans or make it interesting at the very least
Xenomorphs and predators are good examples of this point , one needs to kill and breed into other organisms to survive , the other one , fully embraces the sport aspect and has certain parts of its power system revolve around the hunt they part take in , here it seems nigh retarded to do so , doesn’t seem resource related since passing time in metal band concerts doesn’t seem to be a thing any sort of species that could be in a sort of tight knot when it comes to resources would do , nor does this lore bring up any need to kill humans , no sort of need for consumption , slave work , or even some sort of energy based process that requires them or something
The culture of assassins and the mention of needing to kill humans make both aspects seem extraordinarily dumb
If anything , these aliens should either resemble a sort of , Predator esk tittle rather then “ninja-esk” escapades to hunt down humans , or be Barbaric in nature instead
Make snoop actually be a interesting part of the story rather then a random cutaway in the middle of this text . As much as everyone probably loves their character , you gotta give others reason too , abuse won’t do the full trick , this sort of encounter could be done with a bystander in this universe and it’d turn out the same
None of the characters mentioned have traits and only 2 are named , you’re spotlighting only 2 of them whist still trying to build a world around them , not even the abuser which I assume is integral overall to the story , is named
Shut the fuck up with the genitalia if you’re not gonna present in a way that matters , aliens like Xenomorphs , have their reproductive systems and manners of conceiving , a big part of their lore due to how interesting and scary it is , turning victims into bloody egg capsules essentially and with them already being horrifying monstrosities , it adds to the pile of “Oh Hell Nah” factors to their name , you keep making a whole ass fact for reproduction shit and not even how babies are born or where they come from biologically , the only thing im taking away from that section is the lack of cock and balls , and they’re “different”
Their powers also seem nigh useless to them as a species
Not everything has to have super strength for example , having these dudes being able to see demons and ghost is random , there’s no mention of death and ethereal characteristics in the culture you barely touched upon , most things in the lore feel nigh Mc-Guffin level of lazy while still not need to be mentioned
Snake tongues don’t really matter if they already have antenna , you always didn’t give a good reason besides his dad “living” there ?
Just cause someone is conceived somewhere , doesn’t mean they inherit native traits of their area , so did The dad cheat on ig their “mom” ?
You’re jumping left and right at pieces of lore that not only are not interesting and will push the audience away , but also tend to always not connect right and feel more like loosened ends you wanted to add to make a “cool Oc” , or you’re literally so lazy and barren of ideas that you decided to shit your ideas into a single text patch and not even try to take off any excess stuff
Replying to:🎄🏳️⚧️René (F)🏳️⚧️🎄You're trying too hard to fit the most random aspects whils
Also don’t send a message and then delete it like a pussy , all of us get emails of the shit people reply to us with , so even if you delete it , we’re still gonna see what you said
– Use punctuation, everything is a run-on sentence
– Why is there a fun fact dedicated to the reproductive organs of your character
– Why does his dad currently live in 3 different places
– He’s an assassin that kills people on earth but is also part of a boy band?
– Every planet in the galaxy’s culture is focused on assassination, except earth?
You didn’t change much in the story from last time. I recommend that this time, you take the advice from gigan and lemon, like legitimately this time. You always just say ‘ok’ then ignore the advice. Please don’t.
Ignoring advices and criticisms from people that will help you change for the better. Not saying you are bad but you definitely need to change and start being a bit more matured here.
Everything you made here for your universes lore is too ungrouded, its like you just slap anything that make sense for you and just called it a day.
Replying to:that alien dudeI didn't ignore the advice at all I just wanted to correct
No, you ignored everything else and focused on the one correction. Also, it’s not only 2. You said Invader was born on humidico. That’s 3 places the dad lives. And you said he currently lives on cupidwey even though he moved to purcitro, puerto, whatever you’re calling it.
Replying to:Cheese Biscuithow is it rushed when we've been saying this shit for month
It may be simple for you but lego is literally a kid (no offense), I’m pretty sure he’s not capable enough to be able to do those since half of these advices are like written in essay’s, he can read but i dont think he has a good memory of remembering them, if I’m wrong about what i just said then correct me because i really think that the reason he seems like the type who’d ignore stuff, its just because he gets distracted by other things and forgets about the advices, that’s all.
Replying to:that alien dudeU do know that I'm getting alot of advice like LOTS its to
Yes because just looking at this.
This is not done right of course you are going to get some questions and feedbacks from people, and because this is literally lore.
Theres also the fact that you didnt took previous advices into consideration before hand hence why there is alot adding with heres advices from people like Gigan, Teo and Lemon.
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me
Yeah, you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You got troubles, I’ve got ’em too
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and see it through
‘Cause you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you
The way I do
It’s me and you, boy
And as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see it’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
Considering how you’re apparently just shrugging off feedback I can’t even be assed to write somethin’.
All I can say is that it needs some work, some things need more explaining, and don’t leave out a chunk of a character’s timeline because “boring”. Expand on it.
i learned three things
1) invaders parents are alcoholics
2) you have a problem with there/their
3) mattress warehouse has curbside pickup
User Banned
that 3rd one u mention took me awhile to get it lol
Thought I’d leave some criticisms to your characters origins / story, keep in mind it isn’t meant to be taken in any Ill-manner, it’s purely for betterment purposes.
Paragraph 1:It is said that Invader lives on a secret alien planet the question now is why is it secret and from what, secret to us and our perception of the universe etc?
You said how Invaders parents made ticalas which are children so do you mean they made Invader or that they literally make children for a living?
Paragraph 2:You speak of how Invader had a band called spine breakers and how it had risen to fame, this is all fine but what struck me as strange was how out-of-pocket this felt, it’s giving me a confused feeling as to whether this is a light-hearted teenage band style story or something more dark sinister and real. You can still make it work but understanding the tone for your story and ‘world’ is very important.
Paragraph 3:There is a ‘soon to be ex’ in the story that was the aggressor of Snoop, I feel like name’s and some context should be given, like why would Invader’s partner in their relationship attack some random person. Next why would Invader immediately go to using a hammer on his still partner but eventual ex, surely they would question first or something else. It can still work but the severity of the situation and overall the characters feelings should be described well enough for the reader / watcher to know how they felt and why they reacted a certain way.
Paragraph 4:Supposedly Invader’s family has a sort of culture or tradition of assassin work, maybe you could tie this strange twisted culture into invader’s parents alcohol addiction implying there was something wrong with them for some reason. You say how Invader kills people on his own and all this other stuff the question remains as to why though, why would Invader kill and why would their parents allow it / promote the idea of assassin work?
To summarise you’ve got to ask why certain things happen as well as describing what is going on in the story well enough for the reader to know what you mean and why you said / wrote it.
You’re trying too hard to fit the most random aspects whilst still trying to go with an edgy feel , which itself is deviant art levels of wrist cutting
In a planet full of assassins as a culture , a metal band doesn’t really fit in , especially one called “spine breakers”
Add a reason for them killing humans or make it interesting at the very least
Xenomorphs and predators are good examples of this point , one needs to kill and breed into other organisms to survive , the other one , fully embraces the sport aspect and has certain parts of its power system revolve around the hunt they part take in , here it seems nigh retarded to do so , doesn’t seem resource related since passing time in metal band concerts doesn’t seem to be a thing any sort of species that could be in a sort of tight knot when it comes to resources would do , nor does this lore bring up any need to kill humans , no sort of need for consumption , slave work , or even some sort of energy based process that requires them or something
The culture of assassins and the mention of needing to kill humans make both aspects seem extraordinarily dumb
If anything , these aliens should either resemble a sort of , Predator esk tittle rather then “ninja-esk” escapades to hunt down humans , or be Barbaric in nature instead
Make snoop actually be a interesting part of the story rather then a random cutaway in the middle of this text . As much as everyone probably loves their character , you gotta give others reason too , abuse won’t do the full trick , this sort of encounter could be done with a bystander in this universe and it’d turn out the same
None of the characters mentioned have traits and only 2 are named , you’re spotlighting only 2 of them whist still trying to build a world around them , not even the abuser which I assume is integral overall to the story , is named
Shut the fuck up with the genitalia if you’re not gonna present in a way that matters , aliens like Xenomorphs , have their reproductive systems and manners of conceiving , a big part of their lore due to how interesting and scary it is , turning victims into bloody egg capsules essentially and with them already being horrifying monstrosities , it adds to the pile of “Oh Hell Nah” factors to their name , you keep making a whole ass fact for reproduction shit and not even how babies are born or where they come from biologically , the only thing im taking away from that section is the lack of cock and balls , and they’re “different”
Their powers also seem nigh useless to them as a species
Not everything has to have super strength for example , having these dudes being able to see demons and ghost is random , there’s no mention of death and ethereal characteristics in the culture you barely touched upon , most things in the lore feel nigh Mc-Guffin level of lazy while still not need to be mentioned
Snake tongues don’t really matter if they already have antenna , you always didn’t give a good reason besides his dad “living” there ?
Just cause someone is conceived somewhere , doesn’t mean they inherit native traits of their area , so did The dad cheat on ig their “mom” ?
You’re jumping left and right at pieces of lore that not only are not interesting and will push the audience away , but also tend to always not connect right and feel more like loosened ends you wanted to add to make a “cool Oc” , or you’re literally so lazy and barren of ideas that you decided to shit your ideas into a single text patch and not even try to take off any excess stuff
Also don’t send a message and then delete it like a pussy , all of us get emails of the shit people reply to us with , so even if you delete it , we’re still gonna see what you said
User Banned
I only delete my comment if I realized I worded something wrong or I feel like its gonna start something….
User Banned
With all of that advice makes me feel rushed
Alright here’s my two cents
or three
or five
– Use punctuation, everything is a run-on sentence
– Why is there a fun fact dedicated to the reproductive organs of your character
– Why does his dad currently live in 3 different places
– He’s an assassin that kills people on earth but is also part of a boy band?
– Every planet in the galaxy’s culture is focused on assassination, except earth?
You didn’t change much in the story from last time. I recommend that this time, you take the advice from gigan and lemon, like legitimately this time. You always just say ‘ok’ then ignore the advice. Please don’t.
User Banned
…his dad lives in cupidwey and moved far away to Puerto
Thats only 2..
You’re doing it again.
User Banned
What? What am I doing?
Ignoring advices and criticisms from people that will help you change for the better. Not saying you are bad but you definitely need to change and start being a bit more matured here.
Everything you made here for your universes lore is too ungrouded, its like you just slap anything that make sense for you and just called it a day.
User Banned
I didn’t ignore the advice at all I just wanted to correct him dude..
No, you ignored everything else and focused on the one correction. Also, it’s not only 2. You said Invader was born on humidico. That’s 3 places the dad lives. And you said he currently lives on cupidwey even though he moved to purcitro, puerto, whatever you’re calling it.
Stop doing this.
Look, smarty
User Banned
Fuck
Puerto Rico ?
So you didnt ignored Teo’s advice but ignored Lemon and Gigan’s take? Ok.
User Banned
U do know that I’m getting alot of advice like LOTS its to much
to the point I feel rushed so shut up
how is it rushed when we’ve been saying this shit for months
did you even know we gave you advice in the first part, or did you ignore that too
User Banned
I have not soon to read lemons advice I read gigans advice tho and cpt advice and teos
It may be simple for you but lego is literally a kid (no offense), I’m pretty sure he’s not capable enough to be able to do those since half of these advices are like written in essay’s, he can read but i dont think he has a good memory of remembering them, if I’m wrong about what i just said then correct me because i really think that the reason he seems like the type who’d ignore stuff, its just because he gets distracted by other things and forgets about the advices, that’s all.
true, but memory is not needed when the text is still here
thats the point im tryna make, he’s been given so much advice but uses none of it
Oh yeah your right about the “text still here” lmao, well i hope that’ll give him an idea sense he’s obviously gonna be reading these replies.
User Banned
I forgor all of the advice from a long time ago kinda wished I favorited those posts…uhh
there you go again…excuses
if you really wanted to make an effort to fix it, you would have kept the advice
see what we mean?
User Banned
Its not a excuse I generally forgot the advice and didn’t favorite the posts
Why are u even trying to make me look bad? Like dude I just forgot, its not a excuse, do u even know what that means?
User Banned
Really giving me a “bad time” lmao
Thought you might say that
so matter of fact I still have pictures
Now save this or something
User Banned
Yeah well ofcourse I remember that
Yes because just looking at this.
This is not done right of course you are going to get some questions and feedbacks from people, and because this is literally lore.
Theres also the fact that you didnt took previous advices into consideration before hand hence why there is alot adding with heres advices from people like Gigan, Teo and Lemon.
i really want to help you…i do. I feel like with advice and help you can get far
but we all know damn well you aren’t going to take the advice, like what Teo said, you ignore it all
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me
Yeah, you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You got troubles, I’ve got ’em too
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and see it through
‘Cause you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you
The way I do
It’s me and you, boy
And as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see it’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
Considering how you’re apparently just shrugging off feedback I can’t even be assed to write somethin’.
All I can say is that it needs some work, some things need more explaining, and don’t leave out a chunk of a character’s timeline because “boring”. Expand on it.
@kidsgamermsd, what have you done