Time to tell you a story…

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Tastylemon16, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling very frustrated, Tastylemon16 groped a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved Stick Nodes was missing! Immediately he called his lover, Leroy Jenkins. Tastylemon16 had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little… oafish. Tastylemon16 called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very mad Tastylemon16. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths yawn before mating, yet albino cats usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Tastylemon16. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Tastylemon16? Because he had snuck out from Tastylemon16’s with the Stick Nodes only two days prior. It was a saucy little Stick Nodes… how could he resist?

It didn’t take long before Tastylemon16 got back to the subject at hand: his Stick Nodes. Leroy Jenkins sneezed. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they’d find the Stick Nodes. Tastylemon16 grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Stick Nodes and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Tastylemon16 took the homemade car, he had take at least eight minutes before Tastylemon16 would get there. But if he took the Segmentway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by eleven angry Gigans that were lured by his Stick Nodes. Leroy Jenkins grimaced; ‘Not again’, he thought. Feeling frustrated, he skillfully reached for his ripened avocado and fearlessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent–the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That’s when he heard the Segmentway rolling up. It was Tastylemon16.

—-o0o—-

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Tastylemon16 was out of the Segmentway and went exotically jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Stick Nodes into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his whale. Leroy Jenkins was pleased but at least the Stick Nodes was concealed. The doorbell rang.

‘Come in,’ Leroy Jenkins wildly purred. With a inept push, Tastylemon16 opened the door. ‘Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying noble genius in a time machine,’ he lied. ‘It’s fine,’ Leroy Jenkins assured him. Tastylemon16 took a seat uncomfortably close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the Stick Nodes. Leroy Jenkins yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ he blurted. But Tastylemon16 was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Leroy Jenkins noticed a oafish look on Tastylemon16’s face. Tastylemon16 slowly opened his mouth to speak.

‘…What’s that smell?’

Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Tastylemon16 asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Stick Nodes right by his oscillating fan. ‘Wh-what? I don’t smell anything..!’ A lie. A oafish look started to form on Tastylemon16’s face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. ‘Th-th-those are just my grandma’s ninja stars from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh…dropped ’em by here earlier’. Tastylemon16 nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Tastylemon16 deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Stick Nodes was plainly in view.

Tastylemon16 stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must’ve been eleven minutes. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Leroy Jenkins groped surreptitiously in Tastylemon16’s direction, clearly desperate. Tastylemon16 grabbed the Stick Nodes and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a eccentric chuckle. ‘If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tastylemon16,’ he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little abrasive, so Tastylemon16 knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like… start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his Stick Nodes tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.’ Silence from Tastylemon16. ‘And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago…it never ends!’ Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Tastylemon16. ‘Oh. You ..okay?’ Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Tastylemon16 was gone.

—-o0o—-

Just yonder, Tastylemon16 was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Leroy Jenkins’s place. Tastylemon16 had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Gigans suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Stick Nodes. One by one they latched on to Tastylemon16. Already weakened from his injury, Tastylemon16 yielded to the scaly onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Gigans running off with his Stick Nodes.

But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Tastylemon16’s Stick Nodes. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Gigans for their injustice. Then He got in His time machine and sputtered away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion venomous koalas running from a huge pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Tastylemon16 jumped with joy when he saw this. His Stick Nodes was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, The Adventures Of Orange, was going to come on (followed immediately by ‘When legless puppies meet contraceptive’). Tastylemon16 was jubilant. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few gun-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.