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might take a hiatus, broke my phone again :/ also means i might lose my job in student council. @ralph fix your damn site i dont remember having only 44 friends but tbf i dont remember a lot of things. cya ig
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i feel like i need to explain myself so ill try to the best of my ability. im scared. im anxious and have been on the verge of killing myself all throughout last week. ive also been gender dysphoric and am doubting if i actually am trans. i feel ashamed of myself for even talking about this because i feel like an attention seeker. i dont even feel like trying anymore because at some point ill lose all of this. im a fucking pussy and im scared of everything. my mental health keeps getting worse and worse and now i feel lost
gosh now i feel like i need to branch off of this
im already writing a lot so you dont have to read any of this if you dont feel like it, im not gonna force you
im too far gone, i feel like im too far gone atp so im gonna try to break down everything thats happened recently
this might also help me because i need to talk to my therapist soon anyways
how im doing mentallyI genuinely can’t see me going anywhere after 18. As much as I feel like college/uni would be a good candidate for me to get the fuck out of my parent’s house asap, it’s killing me inside knowing that I have to leave. It’s not even a want anymore, I don’t want to leave my parents house anymore; they’re making it so hard for me to just have basic privacy and normalcy that it’s become a need to leave. Last week, I said I was really hyper at the beginning of my log. I was, and my Mom had been telling me all day that I need to calm down. Usually I have these random spurts of energy that come and go, nothing like that. That usually only happens every few months but it’s become more frequent. Like, I was actually completing all of my assignments in class early energetic. Writing a full log in an hour with images and detail and everything energetic, and writing is really hard for me to start.
I’m trying to do as much as I can to explain very elaborately so I can add on to something like this in the future, which I wish I wouldn’t have to do. Worst part is that I technically just came back from my last break and here we are, losing it all over again.
I actually talked to my partner about this. I literally don’t have basic human rights anymore, it feels as if my parents just LOVE selling my personal information to keep me ‘more than safe.’ More than safe being, safe but I can’t have friends. Safe but I can’t be myself. Safe but I don’t feel safe.
Like are you fucking kidding me? Are you purposely trying to get me to kill myself?
I’m so tired of being treated like I’m not a human being, or even like a child. It hurts me every time they say that I dug myself into this hole, which is true, but I’m a fucking kid. I didn’t know any better. I was 11 for fuck’s sake and you’re blaming me for talking to some guy who was three years older than me? When there’s evidence in your face that I said I felt forced but you’re just so FUCKING blind?
(mid way through typing my mom threatened to be the shit out of me so ill continue soon enough :/)
I hear you, we all struggle with identity, guilt and shame one way or another.
I don’t have any grand advice or wisdom to you but I will say that we don’t want to see you off yourself, you have value on this planet and a purpose, you may not know it yet but it will come and when it does you will question why you ever doubted yourself. Even if you make poor decisions in your life or regret your choices and feel guilty for it, just own it, it’s better to accept your shortcomings regardless of how many times you fuck up than to bully yourself for it.
This site is getting really weird