… It’s me again.
I was not too surprised when I returned with another post right after my art dump 17 hours ago.
Well, I’m doing well right now. To be exact, many months after I left the SN community, I felt so good, but I felt something incomplete, something hollow and unpleasant to think about it again.
The drama. You don’t need to dig all it up in Discord or whatsoever. It is just a bunch of tomfoolery from a once edgy and immature guy; that’s all you need to know, I am ashamed.
I hate to share this aloud with people in this community. But, I can’t shake off the feeling of guilt and regret. I am not going to dig deeper into the whole thing, I just want to rant.
Been so many months since the things happened. Things happened all sudden because I didn’t think twice, you know, immaturity, like what people said: “Fuck around and find out,” and I did too. At first, I felt very despair. No one to talk to and share my feelings, coping all alone. Once I couldn’t focus on the lesson in class, so I had to make up a reason just to get into the bathroom and cry loudly. It was a rough time for me. Off myself from Discord for a few days, and I eventually left the SN community.
It got worse when I tried to kill myself, after a load of death threats. Bought some drugs to overdose myself at midnight, but when I started to open the cap, a thought came across my mind. “Don’t,” I started to set the pills on the table, but then I thought again. People all make mistakes, and we all make mistakes, but the important thing is you have to realize your fault and learn how to overcome them. And I finally managed to make it out of my worst time ever.
Then mid-term period. Stressed by both the drama and the studying, I finally came up to some people to let out all of the things I had endured all along, and I felt relieved. Kinda a good grade afterward because I managed to keep myself calm with a clear mind.
Time passed by, and it was some weeks after the drama that I took up drawing things again after giving up animating. Quite not well, but it keeps improving bit by bit.
Until now, I still both love and hate myself. I always think I could have made a better decision to prevent them from happening. But things happened; it passed, and we couldn’t do anything about it. Before the whole thing happened, I just listened to Linkin Park for fun, since their songs are banger. And again, people were right, “When you are happy, you vibe with the music. When you are sad, you understand the lyrics.” It is quite a deep statement for me. Linkin Park’s songs are the cure for me to overcome the whole thing until now.
But again, I had a hard time choosing whether I should I post this on SN. I always asked myself, Will people forgive me, after what I’ve done? Or hold it back like a deep grudge. I don’t know. Time will answer everything, and we won’t know what to come in tomorrow. After all, I hardly had anyone else in the SN community since then, but well, I managed to go through that not alone but with someone who understood me.

Finally, thank you, for bringing me to this wonderful world of the internet. You all have taught me a lot of valuable lessons in life just through the screen.
Suicide is something that can’t be taken lightly. It is very hard to overcome. But time will heal the wounds if you want to.