Activity | Littleman (Part-Time Succubus (New Demon Boss))

Littleman (Part-Time Succubus (New Demon Boss)) 2019-07-11 19:59:58 UTC

#TeamRalph
@ralph
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.” SEQ. 75 – “INTRO TO BARRY” INT. BENSON HOUSE – DAY ANGLE ON: Sneakers on the ground. Camera PANS UP to reveal BARRY BENSON’S BEDROOM ANGLE ON: Barry’s hand flipping through different sweaters in his closet. BARRY Yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black…oohh, black and yellow… ANGLE ON: Barry wearing the sweater he picked, looking in the mirror. BARRY (CONT’D) Yeah, let’s shake it up a little. He picks the black and yellow one. He then goes to the sink, takes the top off a CONTAINER OF HONEY, and puts some honey into his hair. He squirts some in his mouth and gargles. Then he takes the lid off the bottle, and rolls some on like deodorant. CUT TO: INT. BENSON HOUSE KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, yells up at Barry. JANET BENSON Barry, breakfast is ready! CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 1. INT. BARRY’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS BARRY Coming! SFX: Phone RINGING. Barry’s antennae vibrate as they RING like a phone. Barry’s hands are wet. He looks around for a towel. BARRY (CONT’D) Hang on a second! He wipes his hands on his sweater, and pulls his antennae down to his ear and mouth. BARRY (CONT’D) Hello? His best friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, is on the other end. ADAM Barry? BARRY Adam? ADAM Can you believe this is happening? BARRY Can’t believe it. I’ll pick you up. Barry sticks his stinger in a sharpener. SFX: BUZZING AS HIS STINGER IS SHARPENED. He tests the sharpness with his finger. SFX: Bing. BARRY (CONT’D) Looking sharp. ANGLE ON: Barry hovering down the hall, sliding down the staircase bannister. Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, is in the kitchen. JANET BENSON Barry, why don’t you use the stairs? Your father paid good money for those. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 2. BARRY Sorry, I’m excited. Barry’s father, MARTIN BENSON, ENTERS. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE, “Queen gives birth to thousandtuplets: Resting Comfortably.” MARTIN BENSON Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, Son. And a perfect report card, all B’s. JANET BENSON (mushing Barry’s hair) Very proud. BARRY Ma! I’ve got a thing going here. Barry re-adjusts his hair, starts to leave. JANET BENSON You’ve got some lint on your fuzz. She picks it off. BARRY Ow, that’s me! MARTIN BENSON Wave to us. We’ll be in row 118,000. Barry zips off. BARRY Bye! JANET BENSON Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! CUT TO: SEQ. 750 – DRIVING TO GRADUATION EXT. BEE SUBURB – MORNING A GARAGE DOOR OPENS. Barry drives out in his CAR. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 3. ANGLE ON: Barry’s friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, standing by the curb. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE: “Frisbee Hits Hive: Internet Down. Bee-stander: “I heard a sound, and next thing I knew…wham-o!.” Barry drives up, stops in front of Adam. Adam jumps in. BARRY Hey, Adam. ADAM Hey, Barry. (pointing at Barry’s hair) Is that fuzz gel? BARRY A little. It’s a special day. Finally graduating. ADAM I never thought I’d make it. BARRY Yeah, three days of grade school, three days of high school. ADAM Those were so awkward. BARRY Three days of college. I’m glad I took off one day in the middle and just hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM You did come back different. They drive by a bee who’s jogging. ARTIE Hi Barry! BARRY (to a bee pedestrian) Hey Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. Barry and Adam drive from the suburbs into the city. ADAM Hey, did you hear about Frankie? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 4. BARRY Yeah. ADAM You going to his funeral? BARRY No, I’m not going to his funeral. Everybody knows you sting someone you die, you don’t waste it on a squirrel. He was such a hot head. ADAM Yeah, I guess he could’ve just gotten out of the way. The DRIVE through a loop de loop. BARRY AND ADAM Whoa…Whooo…wheee!! ADAM I love this incorporating the amusement park right into our regular day. BARRY I guess that’s why they say we don’t need vacations. CUT TO: SEQ. 95 – GRADUATION EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY – CONTINUOUS Barry and Adam come to a stop. They exit the car, and fly over the crowd to their seats. * BARRY * (re: graduation ceremony) * Boy, quite a bit of pomp…under * the circumstances. * They land in their seats. BARRY (CONT’D) Well Adam, today we are men. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 5. ADAM We are. BARRY Bee-men. ADAM Amen! BARRY Hallelujah. Barry hits Adam’s forehead. Adam goes into the rapture. An announcement comes over the PA. ANNOUNCER (V.O) Students, faculty, distinguished bees…please welcome, Dean Buzzwell. ANGLE ON: DEAN BUZZWELL steps up to the podium. The podium has a sign that reads: “Welcome Graduating Class of:”, with train-station style flipping numbers after it. BUZZWELL Welcome New Hive City graduating class of… The numbers on the podium change to 9:15. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) …9:15. (he clears his throat) And that concludes our graduation ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries. BARRY Are we going to pick our job today? ADAM I heard it’s just orientation. The rows of chairs change in transformer-like mechanical motion to Universal Studios type tour trams. Buzzwell walks off stage. BARRY (re: trams) Whoa, heads up! Here we go. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 6. SEQ. 125 – “FACTORY” FEMALE VOICE (V.O) Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. (in Spanish) Dejen las manos y antennas adentro del tram a todos tiempos. BARRY I wonder what it’s going to be like? ADAM A little scary. Barry shakes Adam. BARRY AND ADAM AAHHHH! The tram passes under SIGNS READING: “Honex: A Division of Honesco: A Part of the Hexagon Group.” TRUDY Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco, and a part of the Hexagon group. BARRY This is it! The Honex doors OPEN, revealing the factory. BARRY (CONT’D) Wow. TRUDY We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant pollen jocks bring the nectar to the hive where our top secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent adjusted and bubble contoured into this… Trudy GRABS a TEST TUBE OF HONEY from a technician. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 7. TRUDY (CONT’D) …soothing, sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow, you all know as… EVERYONE ON THE TRAM (in unison) H-o-n-e-y. Trudy flips the flask into the crowd, and laughs as they all scramble for it. ANGLE ON: A GIRL BEE catching the honey. ADAM (sotto) That girl was hot. BARRY (sotto) She’s my cousin. ADAM She is? BARRY Yes, we’re all cousins. ADAM Right. You’re right. TRUDY At Honex, we also constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress testing a new helmet technology. ANGLE ON: A STUNT BEE in a HELMET getting hit with a NEWSPAPER, then a SHOE, then a FLYSWATTER. He gets up, and gives a “thumb’s up”. The graduate bees APPLAUD. ADAM (re: stunt bee) What do you think he makes? BARRY Not enough. TRUDY And here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 8. BARRY Wow, what does that do? TRUDY Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ANGLE ON: The Krelman machine. Bees with hand-shaped hats on, rotating around a wheel to catch drips of honey. Adam’s hand shoots up. ADAM Can anyone work on the Krelman? TRUDY Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it’s done well, means a lot. There are over 3000 different bee occupations. But choose carefully, because you’ll stay in the job that you pick for the rest of your life. The bees CHEER. ANGLE ON: Barry’s smile dropping slightly. BARRY The same job for the rest of your life? I didn’t know that. ADAM What’s the difference? TRUDY And you’ll be happy to know that bees as a species haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. BARRY So you’ll just work us to death? TRUDY (laughing) We’ll sure try. Everyone LAUGHS except Barry. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 9. The tram drops down a log-flume type steep drop. Cameras flash, as all the bees throw up their hands. The frame freezes into a snapshot. Barry looks concerned. The tram continues through 2 doors. FORM DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 175 – “WALKING THE HIVE” INT. HONEX LOBBY ANGLE ON: The log-flume photo, as Barry looks at it. ADAM Wow. That blew my mind. BARRY (annoyed) “What’s the difference?” Adam, how could you say that? One job forever? That’s an insane choice to have to make. ADAM Well, I’m relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY But Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM Barry, why would you question anything? We’re bees. We’re the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. They walk by a newspaper stand with A SANDWICH BOARD READING: “Bee Goes Berserk: Stings Seven Then Self.” ANGLE ON: A BEE filling his car’s gas tank from a honey pump. He fills his car some, then takes a swig for himself. NEWSPAPER BEE (to the bee guzzling gas) Hey! Barry and Adam begin to cross the street. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 10. BARRY Yeah but Adam, did you ever think that maybe things work a little too well around here? They stop in the middle of the street. The traffic moves perfectly around them. ADAM Like what? Give me one example. BARRY (thinks) …I don’t know. But you know what I’m talking about. They walk off. SEQ. 400 – “MEET THE JOCKS” SFX: The SOUND of Pollen Jocks. PAN DOWN from the Honex statue. J-GATE ANNOUNCER Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY Wait a second. Check it out. Hey, hey, those are Pollen jocks. ADAM Wow. FOUR PATROL BEES FLY in through the hive’s giant Gothic entrance. The Patrol Bees are wearing fighter pilot helmets with black visors. ADAM (CONT’D) I’ve never seen them this close. BARRY They know what it’s like to go outside the hive. ADAM Yeah, but some of them don’t come back. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 11. The nectar from the pollen jocks is removed from their backpacks, and loaded into trucks on their way to Honex. A SMALL CROWD forms around the Patrol Bees. Each one has a PIT CREW that takes their nectar. Lou Loduca hurries a pit crew along: LOU LODUCA You guys did great! You’re monsters. You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it! SCHOOL GIRLS are jumping up and down and squealing nearby. BARRY I wonder where those guys have just been? ADAM I don’t know. BARRY Their day’s not planned. Outside the hive, flying who-knows-where, doing who-knows-what. ADAM You can’t just decide one day to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. BARRY Right. Pollen Jocks cross in close proximity to Barry and Adam. Some pollen falls off, onto Barry and Adam. BARRY (CONT’D) Look at that. That’s more pollen than you and I will ever see in a lifetime. ADAM (playing with the pollen) It’s just a status symbol. I think bees make too big a deal out of it. BARRY Perhaps, unless you’re wearing it, and the ladies see you wearing it. ANGLE ON: Two girl bees. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 12. ADAM Those ladies? Aren’t they our cousins too? BARRY Distant, distant. ANGLE ON: TWO POLLEN JOCKS. JACKSON Look at these two. SPLITZ Couple of Hive Harrys. JACKSON Let’s have some fun with them. The pollen jocks approach. Barry and Adam continue to talk to the girls. GIRL 1 It must be so dangerous being a pollen jock. BARRY Oh yeah, one time a bear had me pinned up against a mushroom. He had one paw on my throat, and with the other he was slapping me back and forth across the face. GIRL 1 Oh my. BARRY I never thought I’d knock him out. GIRL 2 (to Adam) And what were you doing during all of this? ADAM Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. The girl swipes some pollen off of Adam with a finger. BARRY (re: pollen) I can autograph that if you want. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 13. JACKSON Little gusty out there today, wasn’t it, comrades? BARRY Yeah. Gusty. BUZZ You know, we’re going to hit a sunflower patch about six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY Six miles, huh? ADAM (whispering) Barry. BUZZ It’s a puddle-jump for us. But maybe you’re not up for it. BARRY Maybe I am. ADAM (whispering louder) You are not! BUZZ We’re going, oh-nine hundred at JGate. ADAM (re: j-gate) Whoa. BUZZ (leaning in, on top of Barry) What do you think, Buzzy Boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY I might be. It all depends on what oh-nine hundred means. CUT TO: SEQ. 450 – “THE BALCONY” “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 14. INT. BENSON HOUSE BALCONY – LATER Barry is standing on the balcony alone, looking out over the city. Martin Benson ENTERS, sneaks up behind Barry and gooses him in his ribs. MARTIN BENSON Honex! BARRY Oh, Dad. You surprised me. MARTIN BENSON (laughing) Have you decided what you’re interested in, Son? BARRY Well, there’s a lot of choices. MARTIN BENSON But you only get one. Martin LAUGHS. BARRY Dad, do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN BENSON Son, let me tell you something about stirring. (making the stirring motion) You grab that stick and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm, it’s a beautiful thing. BARRY You know dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn’t right for me. MARTIN BENSON And you were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That’s a bad job for a guy with a stinger. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 15. BARRY Well no… MARTIN BENSON Janet, your son’s not sure he wants to go into honey. JANET BENSON Oh Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY I’m not trying to be funny. MARTIN BENSON You’re not funny, you’re going into honey. Our son, the stirrer. JANET BENSON You’re going to be a stirrer?! BARRY No one’s listening to me. MARTIN BENSON Wait until you see the sticks I have for you. BARRY I can say anything I want right now. I’m going to get an ant tattoo. JANET BENSON Let’s open some fresh honey and celebrate. BARRY Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax! MARTIN BENSON (toasting) To honey! BARRY Shave my antennae! JANET BENSON To honey! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 16. BARRY Shack up with a grasshopper, get a gold tooth, and start calling everybody “Dawg.” CUT TO: SEQ. 760 – “JOB PLACEMENT” EXT. HONEX LOBBY – CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: A BEE BUS STOP. One group of bees stands on the pavement, as another group hovers above them. A doubledecker bus pulls up. The hovering bees get on the top level, and the standing bees get on the bottom. Barry and Adam pull up outside of Honex. ADAM I can’t believe we’re starting work today. BARRY Today’s the day. Adam jumps out of the car. ADAM (O.C) Come on. All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY Yeah, right… ANGLE ON: A BOARD READING: “JOB PLACEMENT BOARD”. Buzzwell, the Bee Processor, is at the counter. Another BEE APPLICANT, SANDY SHRIMPKIN is EXITING. SANDY SHRIMPKIN Is it still available? BUZZWELL Hang on. (he looks at changing numbers on the board) Two left. And…one of them’s yours. Congratulations Son, step to the side please. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 17. SANDY SHRIMPKIN Yeah! ADAM (to Sandy, leaving) What did you get? SANDY SHRIMPKIN Picking the crud out. That is stellar! ADAM Wow. BUZZWELL (to Adam and Barry) Couple of newbies? ADAM Yes Sir. Our first day. We are ready. BUZZWELL Well, step up and make your choice. ANGLE ON: A CHART listing the different sectors of Honex. Heating, Cooling, Viscosity, Krelman, Pollen Counting, Stunt Bee, Pouring, Stirrer, Humming, Regurgitating, Front Desk, Hair Removal, Inspector No. 7, Chef, Lint Coordinator, Stripe Supervisor, Antennae-ball polisher, Mite Wrangler, Swatting Counselor, Wax Monkey, Wing Brusher, Hive Keeper, Restroom Attendant. ADAM (to Barry) You want to go first? BARRY No, you go. ADAM Oh my. What’s available? BUZZWELL Restroom attendant is always open, and not for the reason you think. ADAM Any chance of getting on to the Krelman, Sir? BUZZWELL Sure, you’re on. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 18. He plops the KRELMAN HAT onto Adam’s head. ANGLE ON: The job board. THE COLUMNS READ: “OCCUPATION” “POSITIONS AVAILABLE”, and “STATUS”. The middle column has numbers, and the right column has job openings flipping between “open”, “pending”, and “closed”. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) Oh, I’m sorry. The Krelman just closed out. ADAM Oh! He takes the hat off Adam. BUZZWELL Wax Monkey’s always open. The Krelman goes from “Closed” to “Open”. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) And the Krelman just opened up again. ADAM What happened? BUZZWELL Well, whenever a bee dies, that’s an opening. (pointing at the board) See that? He’s dead, dead, another dead one, deady, deadified, two more dead. Dead from the neck up, dead from the neck down. But, that’s life. ANGLE ON: Barry’s disturbed expression. ADAM (feeling pressure to decide) Oh, this is so hard. Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector no. 7, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, antenna-ball polisher, mite wrangler– Barry, Barry, what do you think I should– Barry? Barry? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 19. Barry is gone. CUT TO: SEQ. 775 – “LOU LODUCA SPEECH” EXT. J-GATE – SAME TIME Splitz, Jackson, Buzz, Lou and two other BEES are going through final pre-flight checks. Barry ENTERS. LOU LODUCA Alright, we’ve got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine. Geranium window box on Sutton Place… Barry’s antennae rings, like a phone. ADAM (V.O) What happened to you? Where are you? Barry whispers throughout. BARRY I’m going out. ADAM (V.O) Out? Out where? BARRY Out there. ADAM (V.O) (putting it together) Oh no. BARRY I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM (V.O) You’re going to die! You’re crazy! Hello? BARRY Oh, another call coming in. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 20. ADAM (V.O) You’re cra– Barry HANGS UP. ANGLE ON: Lou Loduca. LOU LODUCA If anyone’s feeling brave, there’s a Korean Deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. BARRY (timidly) Hey guys. BUZZ Well, look at that. SPLITZ Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LODUCA (to Barry) Hold it son, flight deck’s restricted. JACKSON It’s okay Lou, we’re going to take him up. Splitz and Jackson CHUCKLE. LOU LODUCA Really? Feeling lucky, are ya? A YOUNGER SMALLER BEE THAN BARRY, CHET, runs up with a release waiver for Barry to sign. CHET Sign here. Here. Just initial that. Thank you. LOU LODUCA Okay, you got a rain advisory today and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, (reading off clipboard) watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears, and bats. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 21. Also, I got a couple reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy’s in a home because of it, just babbling like a cicada. BARRY That’s awful. LOU LODUCA And a reminder for all you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans. Alright, launch positions! The Jocks get into formation, chanting as they move. LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) Black and Yellow! JOCKS Hello! SPLITZ (to Barry) Are you ready for this, hot shot? BARRY Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Barry NODS, terrified. BUZZ Wind! – CHECK! JOCK #1 Antennae! – CHECK! JOCK #2 Nectar pack! – CHECK! JACKSON Wings! – CHECK! SPLITZ Stinger! – CHECK! BARRY Scared out of my shorts – CHECK. LOU LODUCA Okay ladies, let’s move it out. Everyone FLIPS their goggles down. Pit crew bees CRANK their wings, and remove the starting blocks. We hear loud HUMMING. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 22. LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) Pound those petunia’s, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! A FLIGHT DECK GUY in deep crouch hand-signals them out the archway as the backwash from the bee wings FLUTTERS his jump suit. Barry follows everyone. SEQ. 800 – “FLYING WITH THE JOCKS” The bees climb above tree tops in formation. Barry is euphoric. BARRY Whoa! I’m out! I can’t believe I’m out! So blue. Ha ha ha! (a beat) I feel so fast…and free. (re: kites in the sky) Box kite! Wow! They fly by several bicyclists, and approach a patch of flowers. BARRY (CONT’D) Flowers! SPLITZ This is blue leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around thirty degrees and hold. BARRY (sotto) Roses. JACKSON Thirty degrees, roger, bringing it around. Many pollen jocks break off from the main group. They use their equipment to collect nectar from flowers. Barry flies down to watch the jocks collect the nectar. JOCK Stand to the side kid, it’s got a bit of a kick. The jock fires the gun, and recoils. Barry watches the gun fill up with nectar. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 23. BARRY Oh, that is one Nectar Collector. JOCK You ever see pollination up close? BARRY No, Sir. He takes off, and the excess pollen dust falls causing the flowers to come back to life. JOCK (as he pollinates) I pick some pollen up over here, sprinkle it over here, maybe a dash over there, pinch on that one…see that? It’s a little bit of magic, ain’t it? The FLOWERS PERK UP as he pollinates. BARRY Wow. That’s amazing. Why do we do that? JOCK …that’s pollen power, Kid. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY Cool. The Jock WINKS at Barry. Barry rejoins the other jocks in the sky. They swoop in over a pond, kissing the surface. We see their image reflected in the water; they’re really moving. They fly over a fountain. BUZZ I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow, could be daisies. Don’t we need those? SPLITZ Copy that visual. We see what appear to be yellow flowers on a green field. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 24. They go into a deep bank and dive. BUZZ Hold on, one of these flowers seems to be on the move. SPLITZ Say again…Are you reporting a moving flower? BUZZ Affirmative. SEQ. 900 – “TENNIS GAME” The pollen jocks land. It is a tennis court with dozens of tennis balls. A COUPLE, VANESSA and KEN, plays tennis. The bees land right in the midst of a group of balls. KEN (O.C) That was on the line! The other bees start walking around amongst the immense, yellow globes. SPLITZ This is the coolest. What is it? They stop at a BALL on a white line and look up at it. JACKSON I don’t know, but I’m loving this color. SPLITZ (smelling tennis ball) Smells good. Not like a flower. But I like it. JACKSON Yeah, fuzzy. BUZZ Chemical-y. JACKSON Careful, guys, it’s a little grabby. Barry LANDS on a ball and COLLAPSES. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 25. BARRY Oh my sweet lord of bees. JACKSON Hey, candy brain, get off there! Barry attempts to pulls his legs off, but they stick. BARRY Problem! A tennis shoe and a hand ENTER FRAME. The hand picks up the ball with Barry underneath it. BARRY (CONT’D) Guys! BUZZ This could be bad. JACKSON Affirmative. Vanessa walks back to the service line, BOUNCES the ball. Each time it BOUNCES, the other bees cringe and GASP. ANGLE ON: Barry, terrified. Pure dumb luck, he’s not getting squished. BARRY (with each bounce) Very close…Gonna Hurt…Mamma’s little boy. SPLITZ You are way out of position, rookie. ANGLE ON: Vanessa serving. We see Barry and the ball up against the racket as she brings it back. She tosses the ball into the air; Barry’s eyes widen. The ball is STRUCK, and the rally is on. KEN Coming in at you like a missile! Ken HITS the ball back. Barry feels the g-forces. ANGLE ON: The Pollen Jocks watching Barry pass by them in SLOW MOTION. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 26. BARRY (in slow motion) Help me! JACKSON You know, I don’t think these are flowers. SPLITZ Should we tell him? JACKSON I think he knows. BARRY (O.S) What is this?! Vanessa HITS a high arcing lob. Ken waits, poised for the return. We see Barry having trouble maneuvering the ball from fatigue. KEN (overly confident) Match point! ANGLE ON: Ken running up. He has a killer look in his eyes. He’s going to hit the ultimate overhead smash. KEN (CONT’D) You can just start packing up Honey, because I believe you’re about to eat it! ANGLE ON: Pollen Jocks. JACKSON Ahem! Ken is distracted by the jock. KEN What? No! He misses badly. The ball rockets into oblivion. Barry is still hanging on. ANGLE ON: Ken, berating himself. KEN (CONT’D) Oh, you cannot be serious. We hear the ball WHISTLING, and Barry SCREAMING. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 27. BARRY Yowser!!! SEQ. 1000 – “SUV” The ball flies through the air, and lands in the middle of the street. It bounces into the street again, and sticks in the grille of an SUV. INT. CAR ENGINE – CONTINUOUS BARRY’S POV: the grille of the SUV sucks him up. He tumbles through a black tunnel, whirling vanes, and pistons. BARRY AHHHHHHHHHHH!! OHHHH!! EECHHH!! AHHHHHH!! Barry gets chilled by the A/C system, and sees a frozen grasshopper. BARRY (CONT’D) (re: grasshopper) Eww, gross. CUT TO: INT. CAR – CONTINUOUS The car is packed with a typical suburban family: MOTHER, FATHER, eight-year old BOY, LITTLE GIRL in a car seat and a GRANDMOTHER. A big slobbery DOG is behind a grate. Barry pops into the passenger compartment, hitting the Mother’s magazine. MOTHER There’s a bee in the car! They all notice the bee and start SCREAMING. BARRY Aaahhhh! Barry tumbles around the car. We see the faces from his POV. MOTHER Do something! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 28. FATHER I’m driving! Barry flies by the little girl in her CAR SEAT. She waves hello. LITTLE GIRL Hi, bee. SON He’s back here! He’s going to sting me! The car SWERVES around the road. Barry flies into the back, where the slobbery dog SNAPS at him. Barry deftly avoids the jaws and gross, flying SPITTLE. MOTHER Nobody move. If you don’t move, he won’t sting you. Freeze! Everyone in the car freezes. Barry freezes. They stare at each other, eyes going back and forth, waiting to see who will make the first move. Barry blinks. GRANNY He blinked! Granny pulls out a can of HAIR SPRAY. SON Spray him, Granny! Granny sprays the hair spray everywhere. FATHER What are you doing? GRANNY It’s hair spray! Extra hold! MOTHER Kill it! Barry gets sprayed back by the hair spray, then sucked out of the sunroof. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 29. EXT. CITY STREET – CONTINUOUS BARRY Wow. The tension level out here is unbelievable. I’ve got to get home. As Barry flies down the street, it starts to RAIN. He nimbly avoids the rain at first. BARRY (CONT’D) Whoa. Whoa! Can’t fly in rain! Can’t fly in rain! Can’t fly in– A couple of drops hit him, his wings go limp and he starts falling. BARRY (CONT’D) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Barry sees a window ledge and aims for it and just makes it. Shivering and exhausted, he crawls into an open window as it CLOSES. SEQ. 1100 – “VANESSA SAVES BARRY” INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS Inside the window, Barry SHAKES off the rain like a dog. Vanessa, Ken, Andy, and Anna ENTER the apartment. VANESSA Ken, can you close the window please? KEN Huh? Oh. (to Andy) Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? It folds out. Ken holds up his brochure, with photos of himself, and a resume in the middle. ANGLE ON: Barry hiding behind the curtains, as Ken CLOSES THE WINDOW. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 30. BARRY Oh no, more humans. I don’t need this. Barry HOVERS up into the air and THROWS himself into the glass. BARRY (CONT’D) (dazed) Ow! What was that? He does it again, and then multiple more times. BARRY (CONT’D) Maybe this time…this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time. Barry JUMPS onto the drapes. BARRY (CONT’D) (out of breath) Drapes! (then, re: glass) That is diabolical. KEN It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special skills, even my top ten favorite movies. ANDY What’s your number one? Star Wars? KEN Ah, I don’t go for that, (makes Star Wars noises), kind of stuff. ANGLE ON: Barry. BARRY No wonder we’re not supposed to talk to them. They’re out of their minds. KEN When I walk out of a job interview they’re flabbergasted. They can’t believe the things I say. Barry looks around and sees the LIGHT BULB FIXTURE in the middle of the ceiling. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 31. BARRY (re: light bulb) Oh, there’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out. Barry takes off and heads straight for the light bulb. His POV: The seventy-five watt label grows as he gets closer. BARRY (CONT’D) I don’t remember the sun having a big seventy five on it. Barry HITS the bulb and is KNOCKED SILLY. He falls into a BOWL OF GUACAMOLE. Andy dips his chip in the guacamole, taking Barry with it. ANGLE ON: Ken and Andy. KEN I’ll tell you what. You know what? I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Barry’s POV: Giant human mouth opening. KEN (CONT’D) Wait! Stop! Beeeeeee! ANNA Kill it! Kill it! They all JUMP up from their chairs. Andy looks around for something to use. Ken comes in for the kill with a big TIMBERLAND BOOT on each hand. KEN Stand back. These are winter boots. Vanessa ENTERS, and stops Ken from squashing Barry. VANESSA (grabs Ken’s arm) Wait. Don’t kill him. CLOSE UP: on Barry’s puzzled face. KEN You know I’m allergic to them. This thing could kill me. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 32. VANESSA Why does his life have any less value than yours? She takes a GLASS TUMBLER and places it over Barry. KEN Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA I’m just saying, all life has value. You don’t know what he’s capable of feeling. Barry looks up through the glass and watches this conversation, astounded. Vanessa RIPS Ken’s resume in half and SLIDES it under the glass. KEN (wistful) My brochure. There’s a moment of eye contact as she carries Barry to the window. She opens it and sets him free. VANESSA There you go, little guy. KEN (O.C) I’m not scared of them. But, you know, it’s an allergic thing. ANDY (O.C) * Hey, why don’t you put that on your * resume-brochure? * KEN (O.C) It’s not funny, my whole face could puff up. ANDY (O.C) Make it one of your “Special Skills.” KEN (O.C) You know, knocking someone out is also a special skill. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 33. EXT. WINDOWSILL – CONTINUOUS Barry stares over the window frame. He can’t believe what’s just happened. It is still RAINING. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 1200 – “BARRY SPEAKS” EXT. WINDOWSILL – LATER Barry is still staring through the window. Inside, everyone’s saying their good-byes. KEN Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA Uh, yeah sure Ken. You know, whatever. KEN You can put carob chips on there. VANESSA Good night. KEN (as he exits) Supposed to be less calories, or something. VANESSA Bye. She shuts the door. Vanessa starts cleaning up. BARRY I’ve got to say something. She saved my life. I’ve got to say something. Alright, here it goes. Barry flies in. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 34. INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS Barry hides himself on different PRODUCTS placed along the kitchen shelves. He hides on a Bumblebee Tuna can, and a “Greetings From Coney Island” MUSCLE-MAN POSTCARD on the fridge. BARRY (on fridge) What would I say? (landing on a bottle) I could really get in trouble. He stands looking at Vanessa. BARRY (CONT’D) It’s a bee law. You’re not supposed to talk to a human. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve got to. Oh, I can’t do it! Come on! No, yes, no, do it! I can’t. How should I start it? You like jazz? No, that’s no good. Here she comes. Speak, you fool. As Vanessa walks by, Barry takes a DEEP BREATH. BARRY (CONT’D) (cheerful) Umm…hi. Vanessa DROPS A STACK OF DISHES, and HOPS BACK. BARRY (CONT’D) I’m sorry. VANESSA You’re talking. BARRY Yes, I know, I know. VANESSA You’re talking. BARRY I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. VANESSA It’s okay. It’s fine. It’s just, I know I’m dreaming, but I don’t recall going to bed. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 35. BARRY Well, you know I’m sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA Well yeah. I mean this is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean…you’re a bee. BARRY Yeah, I am a bee, and you know I’m not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me and if it wasn’t for you…I mean, I had to thank you. It’s just the way I was raised. Vanessa intentionally JABS her hand with a FORK. VANESSA Ow! BARRY That was a little weird. VANESSA (to herself) I’m talking to a bee. BARRY Yeah. VANESSA I’m talking to a bee. BARRY Anyway… VANESSA And a bee is talking to me… BARRY I just want you to know that I’m grateful, and I’m going to leave now. VANESSA Wait, wait, wait, wait, how did you learn to do that? BARRY What? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 36. VANESSA The talking thing. BARRY Same way you did, I guess. Mama, Dada, honey, you pick it up. VANESSA That’s very funny. BARRY Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry. With what we have to deal with. Vanessa LAUGHS. BARRY (CONT’D) Anyway. VANESSA Can I, uh, get you something? BARRY Like what? VANESSA I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know. Coffee? BARRY Well, uh, I don’t want to put you out. VANESSA It’s no trouble. BARRY Unless you’re making anyway. VANESSA Oh, it takes two minutes. BARRY Really? VANESSA It’s just coffee. BARRY I hate to impose. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 37. VANESSA Don’t be ridiculous. BARRY Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA Hey, you want a little rum cake? BARRY I really shouldn’t. VANESSA Have a little rum cake. BARRY No, no, no, I can’t. VANESSA Oh, come on. BARRY You know, I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms here. VANESSA Where? BARRY Well… These stripes don’t help. VANESSA You look great. BARRY I don’t know if you know anything about fashion. Vanessa starts POURING the coffee through an imaginary cup and directly onto the floor. BARRY (CONT’D) Are you alright? VANESSA No. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 1300 – “ROOFTOP COFFEE” “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 38. EXT. VANESSA’S ROOF – LATER Barry and Vanessa are drinking coffee on her roof terrace. He is perched on her keychain. BARRY …He can’t get a taxi. He’s making the tie in the cab, as they’re flying up Madison. So he finally gets there. VANESSA Uh huh? BARRY He runs up the steps into the church, the wedding is on… VANESSA Yeah? BARRY …and he says, watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. VANESSA Uh huh? BARRY Why would I marry a watermelon? Barry laughs. Vanessa doesn’t. VANESSA Oh! Is that, uh, a bee joke? BARRY Yeah, that’s the kind of stuff that we do. VANESSA Yeah, different. A BEAT. VANESSA (CONT’D) So anyway…what are you going to do, Barry? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 39. BARRY About work? I don’t know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can’t do it the way they want. VANESSA I know how you feel. BARRY You do? VANESSA Sure, my parents wanted me to be a lawyer or doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY Really? VANESSA My only interest is flowers. BARRY Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. VANESSA Oh. BARRY Anyway, see there’s my hive, right there. You can see it. VANESSA Oh, you’re in Sheep Meadow. BARRY (excited) Yes! You know the turtle pond? VANESSA Yes? BARRY I’m right off of that. VANESSA Oh, no way. I know that area. Do you know I lost a toe-ring there once? BARRY Really? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 40. VANESSA Yes. BARRY Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA Why not? BARRY I don’t know. It’s like putting a hat on your knee. VANESSA Really? Okay. A JANITOR in the background changes a LIGHTBULB. To him, it appears that Vanessa is talking to an imaginary friend. JANITOR You all right, ma’am? VANESSA Oh, yeah, fine. Just having two cups of coffee. BARRY Anyway, this has been great. (wiping his mouth) Thanks for the coffee. Barry gazes at Vanessa. VANESSA Oh yeah, it’s no trouble. BARRY Sorry I couldn’t finish it. Vanessa giggles. BARRY (CONT’D) (re: coffee) If I did, I’d be up the rest of my life. Ummm. Can I take a piece of this with me? VANESSA Sure. Here, have a crumb. She takes a CRUMB from the plate and hands it to Barry. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 41. BARRY (a little dreamy) Oh, thanks. VANESSA Yeah. There is an awkward pause. BARRY Alright, well then, I guess I’ll see you around, or not, or… VANESSA Okay Barry. BARRY And thank you so much again, for before. VANESSA Oh that? BARRY Yeah. VANESSA Oh, that was nothing. BARRY Well, not nothing, but, anyway… Vanessa extends her hand, and shakes Barry’s gingerly. The Janitor watches. The lightbulb shorts out. The Janitor FALLS. CUT TO: SEQ. 1400 – “HONEX” INT. HONEX BUILDING – NEXT DAY ANGLE ON: A TEST BEE WEARING A PARACHUTE is in a wind tunnel, hovering through increasingly heavy wind. SIGNS UNDER A FLASHING LIGHT READ: “Test In Progress” & “Hurricane Survival Test”. 2 BEES IN A LAB COATS are observing behind glass. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 42. LAB COAT BEE 1 This can’t possibly work. LAB COAT BEE 2 Well, he’s all set to go, we may as well try it. (into the mic) Okay Dave, pull the chute. The test bee opens his parachute. He’s instantly blown against the rear wall. Adam and Barry ENTER. ADAM Sounds amazing. BARRY Oh, it was amazing. It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. ADAM Humans! Humans! I can’t believe you were with humans! Giant scary humans! What were they like? BARRY Huge and crazy. They talk crazy, they eat crazy giant things. They drive around real crazy. ADAM And do they try and kill you like on TV? BARRY Some of them. But some of them don’t. ADAM How’d you get back? BARRY Poodle. ADAM Look, you did it. And I’m glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see out there, you had your “experience”, and now you’re back, you can pick out your job, and everything can be normal. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 43. ANGLE ON: LAB BEES examining a CANDY CORN through a microscope. BARRY Well… ADAM Well? BARRY Well, I met someone. ADAM You met someone? Was she Bee-ish? BARRY Mmm. ADAM Not a WASP? Your parents will kill you. BARRY No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM Spider? BARRY You know, I’m not attracted to the spiders. I know to everyone else it’s like the hottest thing with the eight legs and all. I can’t get by that face. Barry makes a spider face. ADAM So, who is she? BARRY She’s a human. ADAM Oh no, no, no, no. That didn’t happen. You didn’t do that. That is a bee law. You wouldn’t break a bee law. BARRY Her name’s Vanessa. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 44. ADAM Oh, oh boy! BARRY She’s so-o nice. And she’s a florist! ADAM Oh, no. No, no, no! You’re dating a human florist? BARRY We’re not dating. ADAM You’re flying outside the hive. You’re talking to human beings that attack our homes with power washers and M-80’s. That’s 1/8 of a stick of dynamite. BARRY She saved my life. And she understands me. ADAM This is over. Barry pulls out the crumb. BARRY Eat this. Barry stuffs the crumb into Adam’s face. ADAM This is not over. What was that? BARRY They call it a crumb. ADAM That was SO STINGING STRIPEY! BARRY And that’s not even what they eat. That just falls off what they eat. Do you know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM No. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 45. BARRY It’s bread… ADAM Come in here! BARRY and cinnamon, ADAM Be quiet! BARRY and frosting…they heat it up– ADAM Sit down! INT. ADAM’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS BARRY Really hot! ADAM Listen to me! We are not them. We’re us. There’s us and there’s them. BARRY Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning… Barry rolls his chair down the corridor. ADAM There’s no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. ANOTHER BEE JOINS IN. ANOTHER BEE Thinking bee. WIDER SHOT AS A 3RD BEE ENTERS, popping up over the cubicle wall. 3RD BEE Thinking bee. EVEN WIDER SHOT AS ALL THE BEES JOIN IN. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 46. OTHER BEES Thinking bee. Thinking bee. Thinking bee. CUT TO: SEQ. 1500 – “POOLSIDE NAGGING” EXT. BACKYARD PARENT’S HOUSE – DAY Barry sits on a RAFT in a hexagon honey pool, legs dangling into the water. Janet Benson and Martin Benson stand over him wearing big, sixties sunglasses and cabana-type outfits. The sun shines brightly behind their heads. JANET BENSON (O.C) There he is. He’s in the pool. MARTIN BENSON You know what your problem is, Barry? BARRY I’ve got to start thinking bee? MARTIN BENSON Barry, how much longer is this going to go on? It’s been three days. I don’t understand why you’re not working. BARRY Well, I’ve got a lot of big life decisions I’m thinking about. MARTIN BENSON What life? You have no life! You have no job! You’re barely a bee! Barry throws his hands in the air. BARRY Augh. JANET BENSON Would it kill you to just make a little honey? Barry ROLLS off the raft and SINKS to the bottom of the pool. We hear his parents’ MUFFLED VOICES from above the surface. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 47. JANET BENSON (CONT’D) (muffled) Barry, come out from under there. Your father’s talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? MARTIN BENSON Barry, I’m talking to you. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PICNIC AREA – DAY MUSIC: “Sugar Sugar” by the Archies. Barry and Vanessa are having a picnic. A MOSQUITO lands on Vanessa’s leg. She SWATS it violently. Barry’s head whips around, aghast. They stare at each other awkwardly in a frozen moment, then BURST INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER. Vanessa GETS UP. VANESSA You coming? BARRY Got everything? VANESSA All set. Vanessa gets into a one-man Ultra Light plane with a black and yellow paint scheme. She puts on her helmet. BARRY You go ahead, I’ll catch up. VANESSA (come hither wink) Don’t be too long. The Ultra Light takes off. Barry catches up. They fly sideby-side. VANESSA (CONT’D) Watch this! Vanessa does a loop, and FLIES right into the side of a mountain, BURSTING into a huge ball of flames. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 48. BARRY (yelling, anguished) Vanessa! EXT. BARRY’S PARENT’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: Barry’s face bursting through the surface of the pool, GASPING for air, eyes opening in horror. MARTIN BENSON We’re still here, Barry. JANET BENSON I told you not to yell at him. He doesn’t respond when you yell at him. MARTIN BENSON Then why are you yelling at me? JANET BENSON Because you don’t listen. MARTIN BENSON I’m not listening to this. Barry is toweling off, putting on his sweater. BARRY Sorry Mom, I’ve got to go. JANET BENSON Where are you going? BARRY Nowhere. I’m meeting a friend. Barry JUMPS off the balcony and EXITS. JANET BENSON (calling after him) A girl? Is this why you can’t decide? BARRY Bye! JANET BENSON I just hope she’s Bee-ish. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 49. SEQ. 1700 – “STREETWALK/SUPERMARKET” EXT. VANESSA’S FLORIST SHOP – DAY Vanessa FLIPS the sign to say “Sorry We Missed You”, and locks the door. ANGLE ON: A POSTER on Vanessa’s door for the Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena. BARRY So they have a huge parade of just flowers every year in Pasadena? VANESSA Oh, to be in the Tournament of Roses, that’s every florist’s dream. Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. BARRY Wow, a tournament. Do the roses actually compete in athletic events? VANESSA No. Alright, I’ve got one. How come you don’t fly everywhere? BARRY It’s exhausting. Why don’t you run everywhere? VANESSA Hmmm. BARRY Isn’t that faster? VANESSA Yeah, okay. I see, I see. Alright, your turn. Barry and Vanessa walk/fly down a New York side street, no other pedestrians near them. BARRY Ah! Tivo. You can just freeze live TV? That’s insane. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 50. VANESSA What, you don’t have anything like that? BARRY We have Hivo, but it’s a disease. It’s a horrible, horrible disease. VANESSA Oh my. They turn the corner onto a busier avenue and people start to swat at Barry. MAN Dumb bees! VANESSA You must just want to sting all those jerks. BARRY We really try not to sting. It’s usually fatal for us. VANESSA So you really have to watch your temper? They ENTER a SUPERMARKET. CUT TO: INT. SUPERMARKET BARRY Oh yeah, very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. You work through it like any emotion– anger, jealousy, (under his breath) lust. Barry hops on top of some cardboard boxes in the middle of an aisle. A stock boy, HECTOR, whacks him with a rolled up magazine. VANESSA (to Barry) Oh my goodness. Are you okay? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 51. BARRY Yeah. Whew! Vanessa WHACKS Hector over the head with the magazine. VANESSA (to Hector) What is wrong with you?! HECTOR It’s a bug. VANESSA Well he’s not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep. Vanessa pushes him, and Hector EXITS, muttering. BARRY (shaking it off) What was that, a Pick and Save circular? VANESSA Yeah, it was. How did you know? BARRY It felt like about ten pages. Seventy-five’s pretty much our limit. VANESSA Boy, you’ve really got that down to a science. BARRY Oh, we have to. I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. VANESSA I’ll bet. Barry stops, sees the wall of honey jars. BARRY What, in the name of Mighty Hercules, is this? How did this get here? Cute Bee? Golden Blossom? Ray Liotta Private Select? VANESSA Is he that actor? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 52. BARRY I never heard of him. Why is this here? VANESSA For people. We eat it. BARRY Why? (gesturing around the market) You don’t have enough food of your own? VANESSA Well yes, we– BARRY How do you even get it? VANESSA Well, bees make it… BARRY I know who makes it! And it’s hard to make it! There’s Heating and Cooling, and Stirring…you need a whole Krelman thing. VANESSA It’s organic. BARRY It’s our-ganic! VANESSA It’s just honey, Barry. BARRY Just…what?! Bees don’t know about this. This is stealing. A lot of stealing! You’ve taken our homes, our schools, our hospitals. This is all we have. And it’s on sale? I’m going to get to the bottom of this. I’m going to get to the bottom of all of this! He RIPS the label off the Ray Liotta Private Select. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 53. SEQ. 1800 – “WINDSHIELD” EXT. BACK OF SUPERMARKET LOADING DOCK – LATER THAT DAY Barry disguises himself by blacking out his yellow lines with a MAGIC MARKER and putting on some war paint. He sees Hector, the stock boy, with a knife CUTTING open cardboard boxes filled with honey jars. MAN You almost done? HECTOR Almost. Barry steps in some honey, making a SNAPPING noise. Hector stops and turns. HECTOR (CONT’D) He is here. I sense it. Hector grabs his BOX CUTTER. Barry REACTS, hides himself behind the box again. HECTOR (CONT’D) (talking too loud, to no one in particular) Well, I guess I’ll go home now, and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. A BEAT. Hector pretends to exit. He takes a couple of steps in place. ANGLE ON: The honey jar. Barry steps out into a moody spotlight. BARRY You’re busted, box boy! HECTOR Ah ha! I knew I heard something. So, you can talk. Barry flies up, stinger out, pushing Hector up against the wall. As Hector backs up, he drops his knife. BARRY Oh, I can talk. And now you’re going to start talking. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 54. Where are you getting all the sweet stuff? Who’s your supplier?! HECTOR I don’t know what you’re talking about. I thought we were all friends. The last thing we want to do is upset any of you…bees! Hector grabs a PUSHPIN. Barry fences with his stinger. HECTOR (CONT’D) You’re too late. It’s ours now! BARRY You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword. HECTOR You, sir, are about to be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Barry and Hector get into a cross-swords, nose-to-nose confrontation. BARRY Where is the honey coming from? Barry knocks the pushpin out of his hand. Barry puts his stinger up to Hector’s nose. BARRY (CONT’D) Tell me where?! HECTOR (pointing to a truck) Honey Farms. It comes from Honey Farms. ANGLE ON: A Honey Farms truck leaving the parking lot. Barry turns, takes off after the truck through an alley. He follows the truck out onto a busy street, dodging a bus, and several cabs. CABBIE Crazy person! He flies through a metal pipe on the top of a truck. BARRY OOOHHH! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 55. BARRY (CONT’D) Barry grabs onto a bicycle messenger’s backpack. The honey farms truck starts to pull away. Barry uses the bungee cord to slingshot himself towards the truck. He lands on the windshield, where the wind plasters him to the glass. He looks up to find himself surrounded by what appear to be DEAD BUGS. He climbs across, working his way around the bodies. BARRY (CONT’D) Oh my. What horrible thing has happened here? Look at these faces. They never knew what hit them. And now they’re on the road to nowhere. A MOSQUITO opens his eyes. MOOSEBLOOD Pssst! Just keep still. BARRY What? You’re not dead? MOOSEBLOOD Do I look dead? Hey man, they will wipe anything that moves. Now, where are you headed? BARRY To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. MOOSEBLOOD I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood. Crazy stuff. Blows your head off. LADYBUG I’m going to Tacoma. BARRY (to fly) What about you? MOOSEBLOOD He really is dead. BARRY Alright. The WIPER comes towards them. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 56. MOOSEBLOOD Uh oh. BARRY What is that? MOOSEBLOOD Oh no! It’s a wiper, triple blade! BARRY Triple blade? MOOSEBLOOD Jump on. It’s your only chance, bee. They hang on as the wiper goes back and forth. MOOSEBLOOD (CONT’D) (yelling to the truck driver through the glass) Why does everything have to be so dog-gone clean?! How much do you people need to see? Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! CUT TO: INT. TRUCK CAB SFX: Radio. RADIO VOICE For NPR News in Washington, I’m Carl Kasell. EXT. TRUCK WINDSHIELD MOOSEBLOOD But don’t kill no more bugs! The Mosquito is FLUNG off of the wiper. MOOSEBLOOD (CONT’D) Beeeeeeeeeeeeee! BARRY Moose blood guy! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 57. Barry slides toward the end of the wiper, is thrown off, but he grabs the AERIAL and hangs on for dear life. Barry looks across and sees a CRICKET on another vehicle in the exact same predicament. They look at each other and SCREAM in unison. BARRY AND CRICKET Aaaaaaaaaah! ANOTHER BUG grabs onto the aerial, and screams as well. INT. TRUCK CAB – SAME TIME DRIVER You hear something? TRUCKER PASSENGER Like what? DRIVER Like tiny screaming. TRUCKER PASSENGER Turn off the radio. The driver reaches down and PRESSES a button, lowering the aerial. EXT. TRUCK WINDSHIELD – SAME TIME Barry and the other bug do a “choose up” to the bottom, Barry wins. BARRY Aha! Then he finally has to let go and gets thrown into the truck horn atop cab. Mooseblood is inside. MOOSEBLOOD Hey, what’s up bee boy? BARRY Hey, Blood! DISSOLVE TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 58. INT. TRUCK HORN – LATER BARRY …and it was just an endless row of honey jars as far as the eye could see. MOOSEBLOOD Wow. BARRY So I’m just assuming wherever this honey truck goes, that’s where they’re getting it. I mean, that honey’s ours! MOOSEBLOOD Bees hang tight. BARRY Well, we’re all jammed in there. It’s a close community. MOOSEBLOOD Not us, man. We’re on our own. Every mosquito is on his own. BARRY But what if you get in trouble? MOOSEBLOOD Trouble? You’re a mosquito. You’re in trouble! Nobody likes us. They’re just all smacking. People see a mosquito, smack, smack! BARRY At least you’re out in the world. You must meet a lot of girls. MOOSEBLOOD Mosquito girls try to trade up; get with a moth, dragonfly…mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito. A BLOOD MOBILE pulls up alongside. MOOSEBLOOD (CONT’D) Whoa, you have got to be kidding me. Mooseblood’s about to leave the building. So long bee. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 59. Mooseblood EXITS the horn, and jumps onto the blood mobile. MOOSEBLOOD (CONT’D) Hey guys. I knew I’d catch you all down here. Did you bring your crazy straws? CUT TO: SEQ. 1900 – “THE APIARY” EXT. APIARY – LATER Barry sees a SIGN, “Honey Farms” The truck comes to a stop. SFX: The Honey farms truck blares its horn. Barry flies out, lands on the hood. ANGLE ON: Two BEEKEEPERS, FREDDY and ELMO, walking around to the back of the gift shop. Barry follows them, and lands in a nearby tree FREDDY …then we throw it in some jars, slap a label on it, and it’s pretty much pure profit. BARRY What is this place? ELMO Bees got a brain the size of a pinhead. FREDDY They are pinheads. The both LAUGH. ANGLE ON: Barry REACTING. They arrive at the back of the shop where one of them opens a SMOKER BOX. FREDDY (CONT’D) Hey, check out the new smoker. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 60. ELMO Oh, Sweet. That’s the one you want. FREDDY The Thomas 3000. BARRY Smoker? FREDDY 90 puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. They LAUGH again, nefariously. FREDDY (CONT’D) Couple of breaths of this, and it knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. BARRY “They make the honey, and we make the money?” Barry climbs onto the netting of Freddy’s hat. He climbs up to the brim and looks over the edge. He sees the apiary boxes as Freddy SMOKES them. BARRY (CONT’D) Oh my. As Freddy turns around, Barry jumps into an open apiary box, and into an apartment. HOWARD and FRAN are just coming to from the smoking. BARRY (CONT’D) What’s going on? Are you okay? HOWARD Yeah, it doesn’t last too long. HE COUGHS a few times. BARRY How did you two get here? Do you know you’re in a fake hive with fake walls? HOWARD (pointing to a picture on the wall) “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 61. Our queen was moved here, we had no choice. BARRY (looking at a picture on the wall) This is your queen? That’s a man in women’s clothes. That’s a dragqueen! The other wall opens. Barry sees the hundreds of apiary boxes. BARRY (CONT’D) What is this? Barry pulls out his camera, and starts snapping. BARRY (CONT’D) Oh no. There’s hundreds of them. (V.O, as Barry takes pictures) Bee honey, our honey, is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale. CUT TO: SEQ. 2100 – “BARRY TELLS FAMILY” INT. BARRY’S PARENT’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – LATER Barry has assembled his parents, Adam, and Uncle Carl. BARRY This is worse than anything the bears have done to us. And I intend to do something about it. JANET BENSON Oh Barry, stop. MARTIN BENSON Who told you that humans are taking our honey? That’s just a rumor. BARRY Do these look like rumors? Barry throws the PICTURES on the table. Uncle Carl, cleaning his glasses with his shirt tail, digs through a bowl of nuts with his finger. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 62. HOWARD (CONT’D) UNCLE CARL That’s a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. JANET BENSON Barry, how did you get mixed up in all this? ADAM (jumping up) Because he’s been talking to humans! JANET BENSON Whaaat? MARTIN BENSON Talking to humans?! Oh Barry. ADAM He has a human girlfriend and they make out! JANET BENSON Make out? Barry? BARRY We do not. ADAM You wish you could. BARRY Who’s side are you on? ADAM The bees! Uncle Carl stands up and pulls his pants up to his chest. UNCLE CARL I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Man, those crazy legs kept me up all night. Hotcheewah! JANET BENSON Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? BARRY This is what I want to do for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 63. Dad, I remember you coming home some nights so overworked, your hands were still stirring. You couldn’t stop them. MARTIN BENSON Ehhh… JANET BENSON (to Martin) I remember that. BARRY What right do they have to our hardearned honey? We’re living on two cups a year. They’re putting it in lip balm for no reason what-soever. MARTIN BENSON Even if it’s true, Barry, what could one bee do? BARRY I’m going to sting them where it really hurts. MARTIN BENSON In the face? BARRY No. MARTIN BENSON In the eye? That would really hurt. BARRY No. MARTIN BENSON Up the nose? That’s a killer. BARRY No. There’s only one place you can sting the humans. One place where it really matters. CUT TO: SEQ. 2300 – “HIVE AT 5 NEWS/BEE LARRY KING” “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 64. BARRY (CONT’D) INT. NEWS STUDIO – DAY DRAMATIC NEWS MUSIC plays as the opening news sequence rolls. We see the “Hive at Five” logo, followed by shots of past news events: A BEE freeway chase, a BEE BEARD protest rally, and a BEAR pawing at the hive as the BEES flee in panic. BOB BUMBLE (V.O.) Hive at Five, the hive’s only full hour action news source… SHOTS of NEWSCASTERS flash up on screen. BOB BUMBLE (V.O.) (CONT’D) With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk… BOB has a big shock of anchorman hair, gray temples and overly white teeth. BOB BUMBLE (V.O.) (CONT’D) …weather with Storm Stinger, sports with Buzz Larvi, and Jeanette Chung. JEANETTE is an Asian bee. BOB BUMBLE (CONT’D) Good evening, I’m Bob Bumble. JEANETTE CHUNG And I’m Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE Our top story, a tri-county bee, Barry Benson… INSERT: Barry’s graduation picture. BOB BUMBLE (CONT’D) …is saying he intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it, and profiting from it illegally. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 65. INT. BEENN STUDIO – BEE LARRY KING LIVE BEE LARRY KING, wearing suspenders and glasses, is interviewing Barry. A LOWER-THIRD CHYRON reads: “Bee Larry King Live.” BEE LARRY KING Don’t forget, tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we are going to have three former Queens all right here in our studio discussing their new book, “Classy Ladies,” out this week on Hexagon. (to Barry) Tonight, we’re talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, I’m just a kid from the hive, I can’t do this? BARRY Larry, bees have never been afraid to change the world. I mean, what about Bee-Columbus? Bee-Ghandi? Be-geesus? BEE LARRY KING Well, where I’m from you wouldn’t think of suing humans. We were thinking more like stick ball, candy stores. BARRY How old are you? BEE LARRY KING I want you to know that the entire bee community is supporting you in this case, which is certain to be the trial of the bee century. BARRY Thank you, Larry. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world, too. BEE LARRY KING It’s a common name. Next week on Bee Larry King… “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 66. BARRY No, I mean he looks like you. And he has a show with suspenders and different colored dots behind him. BEE LARRY KING Next week on Bee Larry King… BARRY Old guy glasses, and there’s quotes along the bottom from the guest you’re watching even though you just heard them… BEE LARRY KING Bear week next week! They’re scary, they’re hairy, and they’re here live. Bee Larry King EXITS. BARRY Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes… (lights go out) Very Jewish. CUT TO: SEQ. 2400 – “FLOWER SHOP” INT. VANESSA’S FLOWER SHOP – NIGHT Stacks of law books are piled up, legal forms, etc. Vanessa is talking with Ken in the other room. KEN Look, in tennis, you attack at the point of weakness. VANESSA But it was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81. KEN Honey, her backhand’s a joke. I’m not going to take advantage of that? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 67. BARRY (O.C) Quiet please. Actual work going on here. KEN Is that that same bee? BARRY (O.C) Yes it is. VANESSA I’m helping him sue the human race. KEN What? Barry ENTERS. BARRY Oh, hello. KEN Hello Bee. Barry flies over to Vanessa. VANESSA This is Ken. BARRY Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size 10 1/2, Vibram sole I believe. KEN Why does he talk again, Hun? VANESSA (to Ken, sensing the tension) Listen, you’d better go because we’re really busy working. KEN But it’s our yogurt night. VANESSA (pushing him out the door) Oh…bye bye. She CLOSES the door. KEN Why is yogurt night so difficult?! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 68. Vanessa ENTERS the back room carrying coffee. VANESSA Oh you poor thing, you two have been at this for hours. BARRY Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. ANGLE ON: A EMPTY CINNABON BOX with Adam asleep inside, covered in frosting. VANESSA How many sugars? BARRY Just one. I try not to use the competition. So, why are you helping me, anyway? VANESSA Bees have good qualities. BARRY (rowing on the sugar cube like a gondola) Si, Certo. VANESSA And it feels good to take my mind off the shop. I don’t know why, instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. BARRY Yeah, those are great…if you’re 3. VANESSA And artificial flowers. BARRY (re: plastic flowers) Oh, they just get me psychotic! VANESSA Yeah, me too. BARRY The bent stingers, the pointless pollination. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 69. VANESSA Bees must hate those fake plastic things. BARRY There’s nothing worse than a daffodil that’s had work done. VANESSA (holding up the lawsuit documents) Well, maybe this can make up for it a little bit. CUT TO: EXT. VANESSA’S FLORIST SHOP They EXIT the store, and cross to the mailbox. VANESSA You know Barry, this lawsuit is a pretty big deal. BARRY I guess. VANESSA Are you sure that you want to go through with it? BARRY Am I sure? (kicking the envelope into the mailbox) When I’m done with the humans, they won’t be able to say, “Honey, I’m home,” without paying a royalty. CUT TO: SEQ. 2700 – “MEET MONTGOMERY” EXT. MANHATTAN COURTHOUSE – DAY P.O.V SHOT – A camera feed turns on, revealing a newsperson. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 70. PRESS PERSON #2 (talking to camera) Sarah, it’s an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan where all eyes and ears of the world are anxiously waiting, because for the first time in history, we’re going to hear for ourselves if a honey bee can actually speak. ANGLE ON: Barry, Vanessa, and Adam getting out of the cab. The press spots Barry and Vanessa and pushes in. Adam sits on Vanessa’s shoulder. INT. COURTHOUSE – CONTINUOUS Barry, Vanessa, and Adam sit at the Plaintiff’s Table. VANESSA (turns to Barry) What have we gotten into here, Barry? BARRY I don’t know, but it’s pretty big, isn’t it? ADAM I can’t believe how many humans don’t have to be at work during the day. BARRY Hey, you think these billion dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? CUT TO: EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS – CONTINUOUS A BIG BLACK CAR pulls up. ANGLE ON: the grill filling the frame. We see the “L.T.M” monogram on the hood ornament. The defense lawyer, LAYTON T. MONTGOMERY comes out, squashing a bug on the pavement. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 71. INT. COURTHOUSE – CONTINUOUS Barry SHUDDERS. VANESSA What’s the matter? BARRY I don’t know. I just got a chill. Montgomery ENTERS. He walks by Barry’s table shaking a honey packet. MONTGOMERY Well, if it isn’t the B-Team. (re: the honey packet) Any of you boys work on this? He CHUCKLES. The JUDGE ENTERS. SEQ. 3000 – “WITNESSES” BAILIFF All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. JUDGE (shuffling papers) Alright…Case number 4475, Superior Court of New York. Barry Bee Benson vs. the honey industry, is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you are representing the five major food companies, collectively. ANGLE ON: Montgomery’s BRIEFCASE. It has an embossed emblem of an EAGLE, holding a gavel in one talon and a briefcase in the other. MONTGOMERY A privilege. JUDGE Mr. Benson. Barry STANDS. JUDGE (CONT’D) You are representing all bees of the world? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 72. Montgomery, the stenographer, and the jury lean in. CUT TO: EXT. COURTHOUSE – CONTINUOUS The spectators outside freeze. The helicopters angle forward to listen closely. CUT TO: INT. COURTHOUSE BARRY Bzzz bzzz bzzz…Ahh, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Yes, your honor. We are ready to proceed. ANGLE ON: Courtroom hub-bub. JUDGE And Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Montgomery rises. MONTGOMERY (grumbles, clears his throat) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man’s divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we were to live in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what it would mean. Maybe I would have to negotiate with the silk worm for the elastic in my britches. Talking bee. How do we know this isn’t some sort of holographic motion picture capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams, robotics, ventriloquism, cloning…for all we know he could be on steroids! Montgomery leers at Barry, who moves to the stand. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 73. JUDGE Mr. Benson? Barry makes his opening statement. BARRY Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, there’s no trickery here. I’m just an ordinary bee. And as a bee, honey’s pretty important to me. It’s important to all bees. We invented it, we make it, and we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take whatever they want from us cause we’re the little guys. And what I’m hoping is that after this is all over, you’ll see how by taking our honey, you’re not only taking away everything we have, but everything we are. ANGLE ON: Vanessa smiling. ANGLE ON: The BEE GALLERY wiping tears away. CUT TO: INT. BENSON HOUSE Barry’s family is watching the case on TV. JANET BENSON Oh, I wish he would dress like that all the time. So nice… CUT TO: INT. COURTROOM – LATER JUDGE Call your first witness. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 74. INT. COURTHOUSE – LATER BARRY So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms. Pretty big company you have there? MR. VANDERHAYDEN I suppose so. BARRY And I see you also own HoneyBurton, and Hon-Ron. MR. VANDERHAYDEN Yes. They provide beekeepers for our farms. BARRY Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term, I have to say. I don’t imagine you employ any bee free-ers, do you? MR. VANDERHAYDEN No. BARRY I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you. MR. VANDERHAYDEN (louder) No. BARRY No. Because you don’t free bees. You keep bees. And not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey? MR. VANDERHAYDEN Well, they’re very lovable creatures. Yogi-bear, Fozzy-bear, Build-a-bear. BARRY Yeah, you mean like this?! Vanessa and the SUPERINTENDANT from her building ENTER with a GIANT FEROCIOUS GRIZZLY BEAR. He has a neck collar and chains extending from either side. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 75. By pulling the chains, they bring him directly in front of Vanderhayden. The bear LUNGES and ROARS. BARRY (CONT’D) Bears kill bees! How would you like his big hairy head crashing into your living room? Biting into your couch, spitting out your throwpillows…rowr, rowr! The bear REACTS. BEAR Rowr!! BARRY Okay, that’s enough. Take him away. Vanessa and the Superintendant pull the bear out of the courtroom. Vanderhayden TREMBLES. The judge GLARES at him. CUT TO: INT. COURTROOM- A LITTLE LATER Barry questions STING. BARRY So, Mr. Sting. Thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me, I have to say. Where have I heard it before? STING I was with a band called “The Police”. BARRY But you’ve never been a police officer of any kind, have you? STING No, I haven’t. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 76. BARRY No, you haven’t. And so, here we have yet another example of bee culture being casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. STING Oh please. BARRY Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I’m feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say, (looking in folder) Mr. Gordon M. Sumner? The jury GASPS. MONTGOMERY (to his aides) That’s not his real name? You idiots! CUT TO: INT. COURTHOUSE- LATER BARRY Mr. Liotta, first may I offer my belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on E.R. in 2005. LIOTTA Thank you. Thank you. Liotta LAUGHS MANIACALLY. BARRY I also see from your resume that you’re devilishly handsome, but with a churning inner turmoil that’s always ready to blow. LIOTTA I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 77. BARRY Not yet it isn’t. But is this what it’s come to for you, Mr. Liotta? Exploiting tiny helpless bees so you don’t have to rehearse your part, and learn your lines, Sir? LIOTTA Watch it Benson, I could blow right now. BARRY This isn’t a goodfella. This is a badfella! LIOTTA (exploding, trying to smash Barry with the Emmy) Why doesn’t someone just step on this little creep and we can all go home? You’re all thinking it. Say it! JUDGE Order! Order in this courtroom! A MONTAGE OF NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FOLLOWS: NEW YORK POST: “Bees to Humans: Buzz Off”. NEW YORK TELEGRAM: “Sue Bee”. DAILY VARIETY: “Studio Dumps Liotta Project. Slams Door on Unlawful Entry 2.” CUT TO: SEQ. 3175 – “CANDLELIGHT DINNER” INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT Barry and Vanessa are having a candle light dinner. Visible behind Barry is a “LITTLE MISSY” SET BOX, with the flaps open. BARRY Well, I just think that was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 78. VANESSA I’m telling you, I think the jury’s on our side. BARRY Are we doing everything right…you know, legally? VANESSA I’m a florist. BARRY Right, right. Barry raises his glass. BARRY (CONT’D) Well, here’s to a great team. VANESSA To a great team. They toast. Ken ENTERS KEN Well hello. VANESSA Oh…Ken. BARRY Hello. VANESSA I didn’t think you were coming. KEN No, I was just late. I tried to call. But, (holding his cell phone) the battery… VANESSA I didn’t want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily he was free. BARRY Yeah. KEN (gritting his teeth) Oh, that was lucky. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 79. VANESSA Well, there’s still a little left. I could heat it up. KEN Yeah, heat it up. Sure, whatever. Vanessa EXITS. Ken and Barry look at each other as Barry eats. BARRY So, I hear you’re quite a tennis player. I’m not much for the game myself. I find the ball a little grabby. KEN That’s where I usually sit. Right there. VANESSA (O.C) Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that “eating with chopsticks” isn’t really a special skill. KEN (to Barry) You think I don’t see what you’re doing? BARRY Hey look, I know how hard it is trying to find the right job. We certainly have that in common. KEN Do we? BARRY Well, bees have 100% employment, of course. But we do jobs like taking the crud out. KEN That’s just what I was thinking about doing. Ken holds his table knife up. It slips out of his hand. He goes under the table to pick it up. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 80. VANESSA Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was alright. Ken hits his head on the table. BARRY I’m going to go drain the old stinger. KEN Yeah, you do that. Barry EXITS to the bathroom, grabbing a small piece of a VARIETY MAGAZINE on the way. BARRY Oh, look at that. Ken slams the champagne down on the table. Ken closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands. He grabs a magazine on the way into the bathroom. SEQ. 2800 – “BARRY FIGHTS KEN” INT. BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS Ken ENTERS, closes the door behind him. He’s not happy. Barry is washing his hands. He glances back at Ken. KEN You know, I’ve just about had it with your little mind games. BARRY What’s that? KEN Italian Vogue. BARRY Mamma Mia, that’s a lot of pages. KEN It’s a lot of ads. BARRY Remember what Van said. Why is your life any more valuable than mine? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 81. KEN It’s funny, I just can’t seem to recall that! Ken WHACKS at Barry with the magazine. He misses and KNOCKS EVERYTHING OFF THE VANITY. Ken grabs a can of AIR FRESHENER. KEN (CONT’D) I think something stinks in here. He sprays at Barry. BARRY I love the smell of flowers. KEN Yeah? How do you like the smell of flames? Ken lights the stream. BARRY Not as much. Barry flies in a circle. Ken, trying to stay with him, spins in place. ANGLE ON: Flames outside the bathroom door. Ken slips on the Italian Vogue, falls backward into the shower, pulling down the shower curtain. The can hits him in the head, followed by the shower curtain rod, and the rubber duck. Ken reaches back, grabs the handheld shower head. He whips around, looking for Barry. ANGLE ON: A WATERBUG near the drain. WATERBUG Waterbug. Not taking sides. Barry is on the toilet tank. He comes out from behind a shampoo bottle, wearing a chapstick cap as a helmet. BARRY Ken, look at me! I’m wearing a chapstick hat. This is pathetic. ANGLE ON: Ken turning the hand shower nozzle from “GENTLE”, to “TURBO”, to “LETHAL”. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 82. KEN I’ve got issues! Ken fires the water at Barry, knocking him into the toilet. The items from the vanity (emory board, lipstick, eye curler, etc.) are on the toilet seat. Ken looks down at Barry. KEN (CONT’D) Well well well, a royal flush. BARRY You’re bluffing. KEN Am I? Ken flushes the toilet. Barry grabs the Emory board and uses it to surf. He puts his hand in the water while he’s surfing. Some water splashes on Ken. BARRY Surf’s up, dude! KEN Awww, poo water! He does some skate board-style half-pipe riding. Barry surfs out of the toilet. BARRY That bowl is gnarly. Ken tries to get a shot at him with the toilet brush. KEN Except for those dirty yellow rings. Vanessa ENTERS. VANESSA Kenneth! What are you doing? KEN You know what? I don’t even like honey! I don’t eat it! VANESSA We need to talk! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 83. She pulls Ken out by his ear. Ken glares at Barry. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS VANESSA He’s just a little bee. And he happens to be the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time. KEN Long time? What are you talking about? Are there other bugs in your life? VANESSA No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you’re one of them! KEN Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night…my nerves are fried from riding on this emotional rollercoaster. VANESSA Goodbye, Ken. KEN Augh! VANESSA Whew! Ken EXITS, then re-enters frame. KEN And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners, made by man! He EXITS again. The DOOR SLAMS behind him. VANESSA (to Barry) I’m sorry about all that. Ken RE-ENTERS. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 84. KEN I know it’s got an aftertaste! I like it! BARRY (re: Ken) I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. (puts his hands in his pockets) I couldn’t overcome it. Oh well. VANESSA Are you going to be okay for the trial tomorrow? BARRY Oh, I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. CUT TO: SEQ. 3300 – “ADAM STINGS MONTY” INT. COURTROOM – NEXT DAY ANGLE ON: Medium shot of Montgomery standing at his table. MONTGOMERY We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. ADAM (whispering to Vanessa) Now that’s a good idea. (to Barry) You can really see why he’s considered one of the very best lawyers– Oh. Barry rolls his eyes. He gets up, takes the stand. A juror in a striped shirt APPLAUDS. MR. GAMMIL (whispering) Layton, you’ve got to weave some magic with this jury, or it’s going to be all over. Montgomery is holding a BOOK, “The Secret Life of Bees”. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 85. MONTGOMERY (confidently whispering) Oh, don’t worry Mr. Gammil. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don’t like about bees. (to Gammil) You got the tweezers? Mr. Gammil NODS, and pats his breast pocket. MR. GAMMIL Are you allergic? MONTGOMERY Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Montgomery approaches the stand. MONTGOMERY (CONT’D) Mr. Benson Bee. I’ll ask you what I think we’d all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? Montgomery points to Vanessa. BARRY We’re friends. MONTGOMERY Good friends? BARRY Yes. MONTGOMERY (softly in Barry’s face) How good? BARRY What? MONTGOMERY Do you live together? BARRY Wait a minute, this isn’t about– “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 86. MONTGOMERY Are you her little… (clearing throat) … bed bug? BARRY (flustered) Hey, that’s not the kind of– MONTGOMERY I’ve seen a bee documentary or two. Now, from what I understand, doesn’t your Queen give birth to all the bee children in the hive? BARRY Yeah, but– MONTGOMERY So those aren’t even your real parents! ANGLE ON: Barry’s parents. MARTIN BENSON Oh, Barry. BARRY Yes they are! ADAM Hold me back! Vanessa holds him back with a COFFEE STIRRER. Montgomery points to Barry’s parents. MONTGOMERY You’re an illegitimate bee, aren’t you Benson? ADAM He’s denouncing bees! All the bees in the courtroom start to HUM. They’re agitated. MONTGOMERY And don’t y’all date your cousins? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 87. VANESSA (standing, letting go of Adam) Objection! Adam explodes from the table and flies towards Montgomery. ADAM I’m going to pin cushion this guy! Montgomery turns around and positions himself by the judge’s bench. He sticks his butt out. Montgomery winks at his team. BARRY Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants! Adam shoves Barry out of the way. Adam STINGS Montgomery in the butt. The jury REACTS, aghast. MONTGOMERY Ow! I’m hit! Oh, lordy, I am hit! The judge BANGS her gavel. JUDGE Order! Order! Please, Mr. Montgomery. MONTGOMERY The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a wing-ed beast of destruction. You see? You can’t treat them like equals. They’re strip-ed savages! Stinging’s the only thing they know! It’s their way! ANGLE ON: Adam, collapsed on the floor. Barry rushes to his side. BARRY Adam, stay with me. ADAM I can’t feel my legs. Montgomery falls on the Bailiff. BAILIFF Take it easy. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 88. MONTGOMERY Oh, what angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? The JURY recoils. JUDGE Please, I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! FADE TO: SEQ. 3400 – “ADAM AT HOSPITAL” INT. HOSPITAL – STREET LEVEL ROOM – DAY PRESS PERSON #1 (V.O) The case of the honey bees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday, when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. Now here’s Don with the 5-day. A NURSE lets Barry into the room. Barry CARRIES a FLOWER. BARRY Thank you. Barry stands over Adam, in a bed. Barry lays the flower down next to him. The TV is on. BARRY (CONT’D) Hey buddy. ADAM Hey. BARRY Is there much pain? Adam has a BEE-SIZED PAINKILLER HONEY BUTTON near his head that he presses. ADAM (pressing the button) Yeah…I blew the whole case, didn’t I? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 89. BARRY Oh, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is you’re alive. You could have died. ADAM I’d be better off dead. Look at me. Adam THROWS the blanket off his lap, revealing a GREEN SANDWICH SWORD STINGER. ADAM (CONT’D) (voice cracking) They got it from the cafeteria, they got it from downstairs. In a tuna sandwich. Look, there’s a little celery still on it. BARRY What was it like to sting someone? ADAM I can’t explain it. It was all adrenaline…and then…ecstasy. Barry looks at Adam. BARRY Alright. ADAM You think that was all a trap? BARRY Of course. I’m sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us, we’re just a couple of bugs in this world. ADAM What do you think the humans will do to us if they win? BARRY I don’t know. ADAM I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn’t sound so bad. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 90. BARRY Adam, they check in, but they don’t check out. Adam GULPS. ADAM Oh my. ANGLE ON: the hospital window. We see THREE PEOPLE smoking outside on the sidewalk. The smoke drifts in. Adam COUGHS. ADAM (CONT’D) Say, could you get a nurse to close that window? BARRY Why? ADAM The smoke. Bees don’t smoke. BARRY Right. Bees don’t smoke. Bees don’t smoke! But some bees are smoking. Adam, that’s it! That’s our case. Adam starts putting his clothes on. ADAM It is? It’s not over? BARRY No. Get up. Get dressed. I’ve got to go somewhere. You get back the court and stall. Stall anyway you can. CUT TO: SEQ. 3500 – “SMOKING GUN” INT. COURTROOM – THE NEXT DAY Adam is folding a piece of paper into a boat. ADAM …and assuming you’ve done step 29 correctly, you’re ready for the tub. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 91. ANGLE ON: The jury, all with paper boats of their own. JURORS Ooh. ANGLE ON: Montgomery frustrated with Gammil, who’s making a boat also. Monty crumples Gammil’s boat, and throws it at him. JUDGE Mr. Flayman? ADAM Yes? Yes, Your Honor? JUDGE Where is the rest of your team? ADAM (fumbling with his swordstinger) Well, your honor, it’s interesting. You know Bees are trained to fly kind of haphazardly and as a result quite often we don’t make very good time. I actually once heard a pretty funny story about a bee– MONTGOMERY Your Honor, haven’t these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court’s valuable time? Montgomery rolls out from behind his table. He’s suspended in a LARGE BABY CHAIR with wheels. MONTGOMERY (CONT’D) How much longer are we going to allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients who have all run perfectly legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case. JUDGE Mr. Flayman, I am afraid I am going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery’s motion. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 92. ADAM But you can’t. We have a terrific case. MONTGOMERY Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun. Barry bursts through the door. BARRY Hold it, your honor. You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. Vanessa ENTERS, holding a bee smoker Vanessa slams the beekeeper’s SMOKER onto the judge’s bench. JUDGE What is that? BARRY It’s a Bee smoker. Montgomery GRABS the smoker. MONTGOMERY What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone a bee. He unintentionally points it towards the bee gallery, KNOCKING THEM ALL OUT. The jury GASPS. The press SNAPS pictures of them. BARRY Members of the jury, look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, “Smoking or Non?” Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to these smoke machines in man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? Barry gestures dramatically towards Montgomery’s racially mixed table. The BLACK LAWYER slowly moves his chair away. GAMMIL What are we going to do? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 93. MONTGOMERY (to Pross) He’s playing the species card. Barry lands on the scale of justice, by the judge’s bench. It balances as he lands. BARRY Ladies and gentlemen, please, FreeThese-Bees! ANGLE ON: Jury, chanting “Free the bees”. JUDGE The court finds in favor of the bees. The chaos continues. Barry flies over to Vanessa, with his hand up for a “high 5”. BARRY Vanessa, we won! VANESSA Yay! I knew you could do it. Highfive! She high 5’s Barry, sending him crashing to the table. He bounces right back up. VANESSA (CONT’D) Oh, sorry. BARRY Ow!! I’m okay. Vanessa, do you know what this means? All the honey is finally going to belong to the bees. Now we won’t have to work so hard all the time. Montgomery approaches Barry, surrounded by the press. The cameras and microphones go to Montgomery. MONTGOMERY (waving a finger) This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson! You’ll regret this. ANGLE ON: Barry’s ‘deer in headlights’ expression, as the press pushes microphones in his face. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 94. PRESS PERSON 1 Barry, how much honey do you think is out there? BARRY Alright, alright, one at a time… SARAH Barry, who are you wearing? BARRY Uhhh, my sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. The Press follows Barry as he EXITS. ANGLE ON: Adam and Vanessa. ADAM (putting papers away) What if Montgomery’s right? VANESSA What do you mean? ADAM We’ve been living the bee way a long time. 27 million years. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 3600 – “HONEY ROUNDUP” EXT. HONEY FARMS APIARY – MONTAGE SARAH (V.O) Congratulations on your victory. What are you going to demand as a settlement? BARRY (V.O) (over montage) First, we’re going to demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then, we want to get back all the honey that was ours to begin with. Every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, big-headed, bad breath, stink-machine. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 95. I believe we’re all aware of what they do in the woods. We will no longer tolerate derogatory beenegative nick-names, unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products, and la-dee-da tea-time human snack garnishments. MONTAGE IMAGES: Close-up on an ATF JACKET, with the YELLOW LETTERS. Camera pulls back. We see an ARMY OF BEE AND HUMAN AGENTS wearing hastily made “Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Honey” jackets. Barry supervises. The gate to Honey Farms is locked permanently. All the smokers are collected and locked up. All the bees leave the Apiary. CUT TO: EXT. ATF OUTSIDE OF SUPERMARKET – MONTAGE Agents begin YANKING honey off the supermarket shelves, and out of shopping baskets. CUT TO: EXT. NEW HIVE CITY – MONTAGE The bees tear down a honey-bear statue. CUT TO: EXT. YELLOWSTONE FOREST – MONTAGE POV of a sniper’s crosshairs. An animated BEAR character looka-like, turns his head towards camera. BARRY Wait for my signal. ANGLE ON: Barry lowering his binoculars. BARRY (CONT’D) Take him out. The sniper SHOOTS the bear. It hits him in the shoulder. The bear looks at it. He gets woozy and the honey jar falls out of his lap, an ATF&H agent catches it. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 96. BARRY (V.O) (CONT’D) ATF&H AGENT (to the bear’s pig friend) He’ll have a little nausea for a few hours, then he’ll be fine. CUT TO: EXT. STING’S HOUSE – MONTAGE ATF&H agents SLAP CUFFS on Sting, who is meditating. STING But it’s just a prance-about stage name! CUT TO: INT. A WOMAN’S SHOWER – MONTAGE A WOMAN is taking a shower, and using honey shampoo. An ATF&H agent pulls the shower curtain aside, and grabs her bottle of shampoo. The woman SCREAMS. The agent turns to the 3 other agents, and Barry. ANGLE ON: Barry looking at the label on the shampoo bottle, shaking his head and writing in his clipboard. CUT TO: EXT. SUPERMARKET CAFE – MONTAGE Another customer, an old lady having her tea with a little jar of honey, gets her face pushed down onto the table and turned to the side by two agents. One of the agents has a gun on her. OLD LADY Can’t breathe. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK – MONTAGE An OIL DRUM of honey is connected to Barry’s hive. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 97. BARRY Bring it in, boys. CUT TO: SEQ. 3650 – “NO MORE WORK” INT. HONEX – MONTAGE ANGLE ON: The honey goes past the 3-cup hash-mark, and begins to overflow. A WORKER BEE runs up to Buzzwell. WORKER BEE 1 Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed 3 cups, and there’s gallons mores coming. I think we need to shutdown. KEYCHAIN BEE (to Buzzwell) Shutdown? We’ve never shutdown. ANGLE ON: Buzzwell overlooking the factory floor. BUZZWELL Shutdown honey production! Stop making honey! ANGLE ON: TWO BEES, each with a KEY. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) Turn your key, Sir! They turn the keys simultaneously, War Games-style, shutting down the honey machines. ANGLE ON: the Taffy-Pull machine, Centrifuge, and Krelman all slowly come to a stop. The bees look around, bewildered. WORKER BEE 5 What do we do now? A BEAT. WORKER BEE 6 Cannon ball!! He jumps into a HONEY VAT, doesn’t penetrate the surface. He looks around, and slowly sinks down to his waist. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 98. EXT. HONEX FACTORY THE WHISTLE BLOWS, and the bees all stream out the exit. CUT TO: INT. J-GATE – CONTINUOUS Lou Loduca gives orders to the pollen jocks. LOU LODUCA We’re shutting down honey production. Mission abort. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK Jackson receives the orders, mid-pollination. JACKSON Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. CUT TO: EXT. NEW HIVE CITY ANGLE ON: Bees, putting sun-tan lotion on their noses and antennae, and sunning themselves on the balconies of the gyms. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK ANGLE ON: THE FLOWERS starting to DROOP. CUT TO: INT. J-GATE J-Gate is deserted. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 99. EXT. NEW HIVE CITY ANGLE ON: Bees sunning themselves. A TIMER DINGS, and they all turn over. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK TIME LAPSE of Central Park turning brown. CUT TO: EXT. VANESSA’S FLORIST SHOP CLOSE-UP SHOT: Vanessa writes “Sorry. No more flowers.” on a “Closed” sign, an turns it facing out. CUT TO: SEQ. 3700 – “IDLE HIVE” EXT. NEW HIVE CITY – DAY Barry flies at high speed. TRACKING SHOT into the hive, through the lobby of Honex, and into Adam’s office. CUT TO: INT. ADAM’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS Barry meets Adam in his office. Adam’s office is in disarray. There are papers everywhere. He’s filling up his cardboard hexagon box. BARRY (out of breath) Adam, you wouldn’t believe how much honey was out there. ADAM Oh yeah? BARRY What’s going on around here? Where is everybody? Are they out celebrating? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 100. ADAM (exiting with a cardboard box of belongings) No, they’re just home. They don’t know what to do. BARRY Hmmm. ADAM They’re laying out, they’re sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. BARRY At least we got our honey back. They walk through the empty factory. ADAM Yeah, but sometimes I think, so what if the humans liked our honey? Who wouldn’t? It’s the greatest thing in the world. I was excited to be a part of making it. ANGLE ON: Adam’s desk on it’s side in the hall. ADAM (CONT’D) This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now…and now I can’t. Adam EXITS. CUT TO: SEQ. 3900 – “WORLD WITHOUT BEES” INT. STAIRWELL Vanessa and Barry are walking up the stairs to the roof. BARRY I don’t understand why they’re not happy. We have so much now. I thought their lives would be better. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 101. VANESSA Hmmm. BARRY They’re doing nothing. It’s amazing, honey really changes people. VANESSA You don’t have any idea what’s going on, do you? BARRY What did you want to show me? VANESSA This. They reach the top of the stairs. Vanessa opens the door. CUT TO: EXT. VANESSA’S ROOFTOP – CONTINUOUS Barry sees Vanessa’s flower pots and small garden have all turned brown. BARRY What happened here? VANESSA That is not the half of it… Vanessa turns Barry around with her two fingers, revealing the view of Central Park, which is also all brown. BARRY Oh no. Oh my. They’re all wilting. VANESSA Doesn’t look very good, does it? BARRY No. VANESSA And who’s fault do you think that is? “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 102. BARRY Mmmm…you know, I’m going to guess, bees. VANESSA Bees? BARRY Specifically me. I guess I didn’t think that bees not needing to make honey would affect all these other things. VANESSA And it’s not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables…they all need bees. BARRY Well, that’s our whole SAT test right there. VANESSA So, you take away the produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course… BARRY The human species? VANESSA (clearing throat) Ahem! BARRY Oh. So, if there’s no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn’t it? VANESSA And I know this is also partly my fault. Barry takes a long SIGH. BARRY How about a suicide pact? VANESSA (not sure if he’s joking) How would we do it? BARRY I’ll sting you, you step on me. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 103. VANESSA That just kills you twice. BARRY Right, right. VANESSA Listen Barry. Sorry but I’ve got to get going. She EXITS. BARRY (looking out over the park) Had to open my mouth and talk… (looking back) Vanessa..? Vanessa is gone. CUT TO: SEQ. 3935 – “GOING TO PASADENA” EXT. NY STREET – CONTINUOUS Vanessa gets into a cab. Barry ENTERS. BARRY Vanessa. Why are you leaving? Where are you going? VANESSA To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They moved it up to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It’s the last chance I’ll ever have to see it. BARRY Vanessa, I just want to say I’m sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. VANESSA I know. Me neither. Vanessa cab drives away. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 104. BARRY (chuckling to himself) Tournament of Roses. Roses can’t do sports. Wait a minute…roses. Roses? Roses!? Vanessa! Barry follows shortly after. He catches up to it, and he pounds on the window. Barry follows shortly after Vanessa’s cab. He catches up to it, and he pounds on the window. INT. TAXI – CONTINUOUS Barry motions for her to roll the window down. She does so. BARRY Roses?! VANESSA Barry? BARRY (as he flies next to the cab) Roses are flowers. VANESSA Yes, they are. BARRY Flowers, bees, pollen! VANESSA I know. That’s why this is the last parade. BARRY Maybe not. The cab starts pulling ahead of Barry. BARRY (CONT’D) (re: driver) Could you ask him to slow down? VANESSA Could you slow down? The cabs slows. Barry flies in the window, and lands in the change box, which closes on him. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 105. VANESSA (CONT’D) Barry! Vanessa lets him out. Barry stands on the change box, in front of the driver’s license. BARRY Okay, I made a huge mistake! This is a total disaster, and it’s all my fault! VANESSA Yes, it kind of is. BARRY I’ve ruined the planet. And, I wanted to help with your flower shop. Instead, I’ve made it worse. VANESSA Actually, it’s completely closed down. BARRY Oh, I thought maybe you were remodeling. Nonetheless, I have another idea. And it’s greater than all my previous great ideas combined. VANESSA I don’t want to hear it. Vanessa closes the change box on Barry. BARRY (opening it again) Alright, here’s what I’m thinking. They have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant, and flower bud in this park. All we’ve got to do is get what they’ve got back here with what we’ve got. VANESSA Bees… BARRY Park… VANESSA Pollen… “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 106. BARRY Flowers… VANESSA Repollination! BARRY (on luggage handle, going up) Across the nation! CUT TO: SEQ. 3950 – “ROSE PARADE” EXT. PASADENA PARADE BARRY (V.O) Alright. Tournament of Roses. Pasadena, California. They’ve got nothing but flowers, floats, and cotton candy. Security will be tight. VANESSA I have an idea. CUT TO: EXT. FLOAT STAGING AREA ANGLE ON: Barry and Vanessa approaching a HEAVILY ARMED GUARD in front of the staging area. VANESSA Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. He leans in to look at her badge. She SNAPS IT SHUT, VANESSA (CONT’D) Oh, it’s real. HEAVILY ARMED GUARD Sorry ma’am. That’s a nice brooch, by the way. VANESSA Thank you. It was a gift. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 107. They ENTER the staging area. BARRY (V.O) Then, once we’re inside, we just pick the right float. VANESSA How about the Princess and the Pea? BARRY Yeah. VANESSA I can be the princess, and– BARRY …yes, I think– VANESSA You could be– BARRY I’ve– VANESSA The pea. BARRY Got it. CUT TO: EXT. FLOAT STAGING AREA – A FEW MOMENTS LATER Barry, dressed as a PEA, flies up and hovers in front of the princess on the “Princess and the Pea” float. The float is sponsored by Inflat-a-bed and a SIGN READS: “Inflat-a-bed: If it blows, it’s ours.” BARRY Sorry I’m late. Where should I sit? PRINCESS What are you? BARRY I believe I’m the pea. PRINCESS The pea? It’s supposed to be under the mattresses. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 108. BARRY Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. PRINCESS I’m going to go talk to the marshall. BARRY You do that. This whole parade is a fiasco! She EXITS. Vanessa removes the step-ladder. The princess FALLS. Barry and Vanessa take off in the float. BARRY (CONT’D) Let’s see what this baby will do. ANGLE ON: Guy with headset talking to drivers. HEADSET GUY Hey! The float ZOOMS by. A young CHILD in the stands, TIMMY, cries. CUT TO: EXT. FLOAT STAGING AREA – A FEW MOMENTS LATER ANGLE ON: Vanessa putting the princess hat on. BARRY (V.O) Then all we do is blend in with traffic, without arousing suspicion. CUT TO: EXT. THE PARADE ROUTE – CONTINUOUS The floats go flying by the crowds. Barry and Vanessa’s float CRASHES through the fence. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 109. EXT. LA FREEWAY Vanessa and Barry speed, dodging and weaving, down the freeway. BARRY (V.O) And once we’re at the airport, there’s no stopping us. CUT TO: EXT. LAX AIRPORT Barry and Vanessa pull up to the curb, in front of an TSA AGENT WITH CLIPBOARD. TSA AGENT Stop. Security. Did you and your insect pack your own float? VANESSA (O.C) Yes. TSA AGENT Has this float been in your possession the entire time? VANESSA (O.C) Since the parade…yes. ANGLE ON: Barry holding his shoes. TSA AGENT Would you remove your shoes and everything in your pockets? Can you remove your stinger, Sir? BARRY That’s part of me. TSA AGENT I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. CUT TO: EXT. RUNWAY Barry and Vanessa’s airplane TAKES OFF. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 110. BARRY (O.C) Then, if we’re lucky, we’ll have just enough pollen to do the job. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 4025 – “COCKPIT FIGHT” INT. AIRPLANE Vanessa is on the aisle. Barry is on a laptop calculating flowers, pollen, number of bees, airspeed, etc. He does a “Stomp” dance on the keyboard. BARRY Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job. I think this is going to work, Vanessa. VANESSA It’s got to work. PILOT (V.O) Attention passengers. This is Captain Scott. I’m afraid we have a bit of bad weather in the New York area. And looks like we’re going to be experiencing a couple of hours delay. VANESSA Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They’ll never make it. BARRY I’ve got to get up there and talk to these guys. VANESSA Be careful. Barry flies up to the cockpit door. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT – CONTINUOUS A female flight attendant, ANGELA, is in the cockpit with the pilots. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 111. There’s a KNOCK at the door. BARRY (C.O) Hey, can I get some help with this Sky Mall Magazine? I’d like to order the talking inflatable travel pool filter. ANGELA (to the pilots, irritated) Excuse me. CUT TO: EXT. CABIN – CONTINUOUS Angela opens the cockpit door and looks around. She doesn’t see anybody. ANGLE ON: Barry hidden on the yellow and black “caution” stripe. As Angela looks around, Barry zips into the cockpit. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT BARRY Excuse me, Captain. I am in a real situation here… PILOT (pulling an earphone back, to the co-pilot) What did you say, Hal? CO-PILOT I didn’t say anything. PILOT (he sees Barry) Ahhh! Bee! BARRY No, no! Don’t freak out! There’s a chance my entire species– CO-PILOT (taking off his earphones) Ahhh! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 112. The pilot grabs a “DUSTBUSTER” vacuum cleaner. He aims it around trying to vacuum up Barry. The co-pilot faces camera, as the pilot tries to suck Barry up. Barry is on the other side of the co-pilot. As they dosey-do, the toupee of the co-pilot begins to come up, still attached to the front. CO-PILOT (CONT’D) What are you doing? Stop! The toupee comes off the co-pilot’s head, and sticks in the Dustbuster. Barry runs across the bald head. BARRY Wait a minute! I’m an attorney! CO-PILOT Who’s an attorney? PILOT Don’t move. The pilot uses the Dustbuster to try and mash Barry, who is hovering in front of the co-pilot’s nose, and knocks out the co-pilot who falls out of his chair, hitting the life raft release button. The life raft inflates, hitting the pilot, knocking him into a wall and out cold. Barry surveys the situation. BARRY Oh, Barry. CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE CABIN Vanessa studies her laptop, looking serious. SFX: PA CRACKLE. BARRY (V.O) (in captain voice) Good afternoon passengers, this is your captain speaking. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24F please report to the cockpit. And please hurry! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 113. ANGLE ON: The aisle, and Vanessa head popping up. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT Vanessa ENTERS. VANESSA What happened here? BARRY I tried to talk to them, but then there was a Dustbuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded…Now one’s bald, one’s in a boat, and they’re both unconscious. VANESSA Is that another bee joke? BARRY No. No one’s flying the plane. The AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER, BUD, speaks over the radio. BUD This is JFK control tower. Flight 356, what’s your status? Vanessa presses a button, and the intercom comes on. VANESSA This is Vanessa Bloome. I’m a florist from New York. BUD Where’s the pilot? VANESSA He’s unconscious and so is the copilot. BUD Not good. Is there anyone onboard who has flight experience? A BEAT. BARRY As a matter of fact, there is. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 114. BUD Who’s that? VANESSA Barry Benson. BUD From the honey trial? Oh great. BARRY Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It’s got giant wings, huge engines. VANESSA I can’t fly a plane. BARRY Why not? Isn’t John Travolta a pilot? VANESSA Yes? BARRY How hard could it be? VANESSA Wait a minute. Barry, we’re headed into some lightning. CUT TO: Vanessa shrugs, and takes the controls. SEQ. 4150 – “BARRY FLIES PLANE” INT. BENSON HOUSE The family is all huddled around the TV at the Benson house. ANGLE ON: TV. Bob Bumble is broadcasting. BOB BUMBLE This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK airport, where a very suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh off his stunning legal victory… “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 115. Adam SPRAYS a can of HONEY-WHIP into his mouth. ADAM That’s Barry. BOB BUMBLE …is now attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers, and an incapacitated flight crew. EVERYONE Flowers?! CUT TO: INT. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TOWER BUD Well, we have an electrical storm in the area, and two individuals at the controls of a jumbo jet with absolutely no flight experience. JEANETTE CHUNG Just a minute, Mr. Ditchwater, there’s a honey bee on that plane. BUD Oh, I’m quite familiar with Mr. Benson’s work, and his no-account compadres. Haven’t they done enough damage already? JEANETTE CHUNG But isn’t he your only hope right now? BUD Come on, technically a bee shouldn’t be able to fly at all. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT. Barry REACTS BUD The wings are too small, their bodies are too big– “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 116. BARRY (over PA) Hey, hold on a second. Haven’t we heard this million times? The surface area of the wings, and the body mass doesn’t make sense? JEANETTE CHUNG Get this on the air. CAMERAMAN You got it! CUT TO: INT. BEE TV CONTROL ROOM An engineer throws a switch. BEE ENGINEER Stand by. We’re going live. The “ON AIR” sign illuminates. CUT TO: INT. VARIOUS SHOTS OF NEW HIVE CITY The news report plays on TV. The pollen jocks are sitting around, playing paddle-ball, Wheel-o, and one of them is spinning his helmet on his finger. Buzzwell is in an office cubicle, playing computer solitaire. Barry’s family and Adam watch from their living room. Bees sitting on the street curb turn around to watch the TV. BARRY Mr. Ditchwater, the way we work may be a mystery to you, because making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you something about a small job. If you do it really well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That’s why I want to get bees back to doing what we do best. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 117. Working together. That’s the bee way. We’re not made of Jello. We get behind a fellow. Black and yellow. CROWD OF BEES Hello! CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT Barry is giving orders to Vanessa. BARRY Left, right, down, hover. VANESSA Hover? BARRY Forget hover. VANESSA You know what? This isn’t so hard. Vanessa pretends to HONK THE HORN. VANESSA (CONT’D) Beep, beep! Beep, beep! A BOLT OF LIGHTNING HITS the plane. The plane takes a sharp dip. VANESSA (CONT’D) Barry, what happened? BARRY (noticing the control panel) Wait a minute. I think we were on autopilot that whole time. VANESSA That may have been helping me. BARRY And now we’re not! VANESSA (V.O.) (folding her arms) Well, then it turns out I cannot fly a plane. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 118. BARRY (CONT’D) Vanessa struggles with the yoke. CUT TO: EXT. AIRPLANE The airplane goes into a steep dive. CUT TO: SEQ. 4175 – “CRASH LANDING” INT. J-GATE An ALERT SIGN READING: “Hive Alert. We Need:” Then the SIGNAL goes from “Two Bees” “Some Bees” “Every Bee There Is” Lou Loduca gathers the pollen jocks at J-Gate. LOU LODUCA All of you, let’s get behind this fellow. Move it out! The bees follow Lou Loduca, and EXIT J-Gate. CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE COCKPIT BARRY Our only chance is if I do what I would do, and you copy me with the wings of the plane! VANESSA You don’t have to yell. BARRY I’m not yelling. We happen to be in a lot of trouble here. VANESSA It’s very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice. BARRY It’s not a tone. I’m panicking! CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 119. EXT. JFK AIRPORT ANGLE ON: The bees arriving and massing at the airport. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT Barry and Vanessa alternately SLAP EACH OTHER IN THE FACE. VANESSA I don’t think I can do this. BARRY Vanessa, pull yourself together. Listen to me, you have got to snap out of it! VANESSA You snap out of it! BARRY You snap out of it! VANESSA You snap out of it! BARRY You snap out of it! VANESSA You snap out of it! CUT TO: EXT. AIRPLANE A GIGANTIC SWARM OF BEES flies in to hold the plane up. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT – CONTINUOUS BARRY You snap out of it! VANESSA You snap out of it! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 120. BARRY You snap– VANESSA Hold it! BARRY (about to slap her again) Why? Come on, it’s my turn. VANESSA How is the plane flying? Barry’s antennae ring. BARRY I don’t know. (answering) Hello? CUT TO: EXT. AIRPLANE ANGLE ON: The underside of the plane. The pollen jocks have massed all around the underbelly of the plane, and are holding it up. LOU LODUCA Hey Benson, have you got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT Lou, Buzz, Splitz, and Jackson come up alongside the cockpit. BARRY The pollen jocks! VANESSA They do get behind a fellow. BARRY Black and yellow. LOU LODUCA (over headset) Hello. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 121. Alright you two, what do you say we drop this tin can on the blacktop? VANESSA What blacktop? Where? I can’t see anything. Can you? BARRY No, nothing. It’s all cloudy. CUT TO: EXT. RUNWAY Adam SHOUTS. ADAM Come on, you’ve got to think bee, Barry. Thinking bee, thinking bee. ANGLE ON: Overhead shot of runway. The bees are in the formation of a flower. In unison they move, causing the flower to FLASH YELLOW AND BLACK. BEES (chanting) Thinking bee, thinking bee. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT We see through the swirling mist and clouds. A GIANT SHAPE OF A FLOWER is forming in the middle of the runway. BARRY Wait a minute. I think I’m feeling something. VANESSA What? BARRY I don’t know, but it’s strong. And it’s pulling me, like a 27 million year old instinct. Bring the nose of the plane down. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 122. LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) EXT. RUNWAY All the bees are on the runway chanting “Thinking Bee”. CUT TO: INT. CONTROL TOWER RICK What in the world is on the tarmac? ANGLE ON: Dave OTS onto runway seeing a flower being formed by millions of bees. BUD Get some lights on that! CUT TO: EXT. RUNWAY ANGLE ON: AIRCRAFT LANDING LIGHT SCAFFOLD by the side of the runway, illuminating the bees in their flower formation. INT. COCKPIT BARRY Vanessa, aim for the flower! VANESSA Oh, okay? BARRY Cut the engines! VANESSA Cut the engines? BARRY We’re going in on bee power. Ready boys? LOU LODUCA Affirmative. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 123. INT. AIRPLANE COCKPIT BARRY Good, good, easy now. Land on that flower! Ready boys? Give me full reverse. LOU LODUCA Spin it around! The plane attempts to land on top of an “Aloha Airlines” plane with flowers painted on it. BARRY (V.O) I mean the giant black and yellow pulsating flower made of millions of bees! VANESSA Which flower? BARRY That flower! VANESSA I’m aiming at the flower! The plane goes after a FAT GUY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT. BARRY (V.O) That’s a fat guy in a flowered shirt! The other other flower! The big one. He snaps a photo and runs away. BARRY (CONT’D) Full forward. Ready boys? Nose down. Bring your tail up. Rotate around it. VANESSA Oh, this is insane, Barry. BARRY This is the only way I know how to fly. CUT TO: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 124. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TOWER BUD Am I koo-koo kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? CUT TO: EXT. RUNWAY BARRY (V.O) Get your nose in there. Don’t be afraid of it. Smell it. Full reverse! Easy, just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in. Drop it in, woman! The plane HOVERS and MANEUVERS, landing in the center of the giant flower, like a bee. The FLOWERS from the cargo hold spill out onto the runway. INT. AIPLANE CABIN The passengers are motionless for a beat. PASSENGER Come on already! They hear the “ding ding”, and all jump up to grab their luggage out of the overheads. SEQ. 4225 – “RUNWAY SPEECH” EXT. RUNWAY – CONTINUOUS The INFLATABLE SLIDES pop out the side of the plane. The passengers escape. Barry and Vanessa slide down out of the cockpit. Barry and Vanessa exhale a huge breath. VANESSA Barry, we did it. You taught me how to fly. Vanessa raises her hand up for a high five. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 125. BARRY Yes. No high five. VANESSA Right. ADAM Barry, it worked. Did you see the giant flower? BARRY What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius, man. Genius! ADAM Thank you. BARRY But we’re not done yet. Barry flies up to the wing of the plane, and addresses the bee crowd. BARRY (CONT’D) Listen everyone. This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We’re the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers, and dress like this. If we’re going to survive as a species, this is our moment. So what do you all say? Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History key chains? BEES We’re bees! KEYCHAIN BEE Keychain! BARRY Then follow me… Except Keychain. BUZZ Hold on Barry. You’ve earned this. Buzz puts a pollen jock jacket and helmet with Barry’s name on it on Barry. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 126. BARRY I’m a pollen jock! (looking at the jacket. The sleeves are a little long) And it’s a perfect fit. All I’ve got to do are the sleeves. The Pollen Jocks toss Barry a gun. BARRY (CONT’D) Oh yeah! ANGLE ON: Martin and Janet Benson. JANET BENSON That’s our Barry. All the bees descend upon the flowers on the tarmac, and start collecting pollen. CUT TO: SEQ. 4250 – “RE-POLLINATION” EXT. SKIES – CONTINUOUS The squadron FLIES over the city, REPOLLINATING trees and flowers as they go. Barry breaks off from the group, towards Vanessa’s flower shop. CUT TO: EXT. VANESSA’S FLOWER SHOP – CONTINUOUS Barry REPOLLINATES Vanessa’s flowers. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK – CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: Timmy with a frisbee, as the bees fly by. TIMMY Mom, the bees are back! “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 127. Central Park is completely repollinated by the bees. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HONEX – CONTINUOUS Honex is back to normal and everyone is busily working. ANGLE ON: Adam, putting his Krelman hat on. ADAM If anyone needs to make a call, now’s the time. I’ve got a feeling we’ll be working late tonight! The bees CHEER. CUT TO: SEQ. 4355 EXT: VANESSA’S FLOWER SHOP With a new sign out front. “Vanessa & Barry: Flowers, Honey, Legal Advice” DISSOLVE TO: INT: FLOWER COUNTER Vanessa doing a brisk trade with many customers. CUT TO: INT: FLOWER SHOP – CONTINUOUS Vanessa is selling flowers. In the background, there are SHELVES STOCKED WITH HONEY. VANESSA (O.C.) Don’t forget these. Have a great afternoon. Yes, can I help who’s next? Who’s next? Would you like some honey with that? It is beeapproved. SIGN ON THE BACK ROOM DOOR READS: “Barry Benson: Insects at Law”. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 128. Camera moves into the back room. ANGLE ON: Barry. ANGLE ON: Barry’s COW CLIENT. COW Milk, cream, cheese…it’s all me. And I don’t see a nickel. BARRY Uh huh? Uh huh? COW (breaking down) Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat. BARRY I had no idea. VANESSA Barry? I’m sorry, have you got a moment? BARRY Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate here will be able to help you. Mooseblood ENTERS. MOOSEBLOOD Sorry I’m late. COW He’s a lawyer too? MOOSEBLOOD Ma’am, I was already a bloodsucking parasite. All I needed was * a briefcase. * ANGLE ON: Flower Counter. VANESSA (to customer) Have a great afternoon! (to Barry) Barry, I just got this huge tulip order for a wedding, and I can’t get them anywhere. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 129. BARRY Not a problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. Vanessa turns back to deal with a customer. VANESSA You’re a life-saver, Barry. (to the next customer) Can I help who’s next? Who’s next? ANGLE ON: Vanessa smiling back at Barry. Barry smiles too, then snaps himself out of it. BARRY (speaks into his antennae) Alright. Scramble jocks, it’s time to fly! VANESSA Thank you, Barry! EXT. FLOWER SHOP – CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: Ken and Andy walking down the street. KEN (noticing the new sign) Augh! What in the world? It’s that bee again! ANDY (guiding Ken protectively) Let it go, Kenny. KEN That bee is living my life! When will this nightmare end? ANDY Let it all go. They don’t break stride. ANGLE ON: Camera in front of Barry as he flies out the door and up into the sky. Pollen jocks fold in formation behind him as they zoom into the park. BARRY (to Splitz) Beautiful day to fly. “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 130. JACKSON Sure is. BARRY Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. FADE OUT: “Bee Movie” – JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 131.
1
- Challas · 6 years, 11 months ago
  Bronze statuette of the Assyro-Babylonian demon king Pazuzu, circa 800 BC – circa 700 BC, Louvre
  
  Mephistopheles (A Medieval demon from German folklore) flying over Wittenberg, in a lithograph by Eugène Delacroix.
  A demon is a supernatural and often malevolent being prevalent historically in religion, occultism, literature, fiction, mythology, and folklore; as well as in media such as comics, videogames, movies and television series.
  
  The original Greek word daimon does not carry negative connotations.[1] The Ancient Greek word δαίμων daimōn denotes a spirit or divine power, much like the Latin genius or numen.[2] The Greek conception of a daimōn notably appears in the works of Plato, where it describes the divine inspiration of Socrates.
  
  In Ancient Near Eastern religions and in the Abrahamic traditions, including ancient and medieval Christian demonology, a demon is considered a harmful spiritual entity which may cause demonic possession, calling for an exorcism. In Western occultism and Renaissance magic, which grew out of an amalgamation of Greco-Roman magic, Jewish Aggadah and Christian demonology,[3] a demon is believed to be a spiritual entity that may be conjured and controlled.
  
  Contents
  Etymology
  Edit
  
  Further information: Daemon (classical mythology), Agathodaemon, Cacodemon, Daimonic, and Eudaimonia
  
  Buer, the 10th spirit, who teaches “Moral and Natural Philosophy” (illustration by Louis Breton from Dictionnaire Infernal).
  The Ancient Greek word δαίμων daemon denotes a spirit or divine power, much like the Latin genius or numen. Daimōn most likely came from the Greek verb daiesthai (to divide, distribute).[2] The Greek conception of a daimōn notably appears in the works of Plato, where it describes the divine inspiration of Socrates. The original Greek word daimon does not carry the negative connotation initially understood by implementation of the Koine δαιμόνιον (daimonion),[1] and later ascribed to any cognate words sharing the root.
  
  The Greek terms do not have any connotations of evil or malevolence. In fact, εὐδαιμονία eudaimonia, (literally good-spiritedness) means happiness. By the early Roman Empire, cult statues were seen, by pagans and their Christian neighbors alike, as inhabited by the numinous presence of the gods: “Like pagans, Christians still sensed and saw the gods and their power, and as something, they had to assume, lay behind it, by an easy traditional shift of opinion they turned these pagan daimones into malevolent ‘demons’, the troupe of Satan….. Far into the Byzantine period Christians eyed their cities’ old pagan statuary as a seat of the demons’ presence. It was no longer beautiful, it was infested.”[4] The term had first acquired its negative connotations in the Septuagint translation of the Hebrew Bible into Greek, which drew on the mythology of ancient Semitic religions. This was then inherited by the Koine text of the New Testament. The Western medieval and neo-medieval conception of a demon[5] derives seamlessly from the ambient popular culture of Late Antiquity. The Hellenistic “daemon” eventually came to include many Semitic and Near Eastern gods as evaluated by Christianity.[citation needed]
  
  The supposed existence of demons remains an important concept in many modern religions and occultist traditions. Demons are still feared largely due to their alleged power to possess living creatures. In the contemporary Western occultist tradition (perhaps epitomized by the work of Aleister Crowley), a demon (such as Choronzon, which is Crowley’s interpretation of the so-called ‘Demon of the Abyss’) is a useful metaphor for certain inner psychological processes (inner demons), though some may also regard it as an objectively real phenomenon. Some scholars[6] believe that large portions of the demonology (see Asmodai) of Judaism, a key influence on Christianity and Islam, originated from a later form of Zoroastrianism, and were transferred to Judaism during the Persian era.
  
  Ancient Egypt
  Edit
  
  Ram-headed demon. The hands probably outstretch to hold two snakes. From a royal tomb in the Valley of the Kings, Thebes, Egypt. End of the 18th Dynasty, around 1325 BC.
  
  Ancient Sumerian cylinder seal impression showing the god Dumuzid being tortured in the Underworld by galla demons
  Both deities and demons can act as intermediaries to deliver messages to humans.[7] Thus they share some resemblance to the Greek daimonion. The exact definition of “demon” in Egyptology posed a major problem for modern scholarship, since the borders between a deity and a demon are sometimes blurred and the ancient Egyptian language lacks a term for the modern English “demon”.[8][9] However, magical writings indicate that ancient Egyptians acknowledged the existence of malevolent demons by highlighting the demon names with red ink.[9] Demons in this culture appeared to be subordinative and related to a specific deity, yet they may have occasionally acted independent from the divine will. The existence of demons can be related to the realm of chaos, beyond the created world.[8] But even this negative connotation cannot be denied in light of the magical texts. The role of demons in relation to the human world remains ambivalent and largely depends on context.
  
  Ancient Egyptian demons can be divided into two classes: “guardians” and “wanderers.”[10][11] “Guardians” are tied to a specific place; their demonic activity is topographically defined and their function can be benevolent towards those who have the secret knowledge to face them.[12] Demons protecting the underworld may prevent human souls from entering paradise. Only by knowing right charms is the deceased able to enter the Halls of Osiris.[13] Here, the aggressive nature of the guardian demons is motivated by the need to protect their abodes and not by their evil essence. Accordingly, demons guarded sacred places or the gates to the netherworld. During the Ptolemaic and Roman period, the guardians shifted towards the role of Genius loci and they were the focus of local and private cults.
  
  The “wanderers” are associated with possession, mental illness, death and plagues. Many of them serve as executioners for the major deities, such as Ra or Osiris, when ordered to punish humans on earth or in the netherworld.[12] Wanderers can also be agents of chaos, arising from the world beyond creation to bring about misfortune and suffering without any divine instructions, led only by evil motivations. The influences of the wanderers can be warded off and kept at the borders on the human world by the use of magic, but they can never be destroyed. A sub-category of “wanderers” are nightmare demons, which were believed to cause nightmares by entering a human body.[8]
  
  Mesopotamia
  Edit
  
  According to the Jewish Encyclopedia, “In Chaldean mythology the seven evil deities were known as shedu, storm-demons, represented in ox-like form.”[14] They were represented as winged bulls, derived from the colossal bulls used as protective jinn of royal palaces.[15]
  
  From Chaldea, the term shedu traveled to the Israelites. The writers of the Tanach applied the word as a dialogism to Canaanite deities.
  
  There are indications that demons in popular Hebrew mythology were believed to come from the nether world.[16] Various diseases and ailments were ascribed to them, particularly those affecting the brain and those of internal nature. Examples include catalepsy, headache, epilepsy and nightmares. There also existed a demon of blindness, “Shabriri” (lit. “dazzling glare”) who rested on uncovered water at night and blinded those who drank from it.[17]
  
  Demons supposedly entered the body and caused the disease while overwhelming or “seizing” the victim. To cure such diseases, it was necessary to draw out the evil demons by certain incantations and talismanic performances, at which the Essenes excelled.[14] Josephus, who spoke of demons as “spirits of the wicked which enter into men that are alive and kill them”, but which could be driven out by a certain root,[18] witnessed such a performance in the presence of the Emperor Vespasian[19] and ascribed its origin to King Solomon. In mythology, there were few defences against Babylonian demons. The mythical mace Sharur had the power to slay demons such as Asag, a legendary gallu or edimmu of hideous strength.
  
  Abrahamic religions
  Edit
  
  Judaism
  Edit
  See also: Shedim, Dybbuk, and Samael
  
  In Lilith by John Collier (1892), the female demon Lilith is shown personified within the Garden of Eden
  As referring to the existence or non-existence of demons (shedim or Se’irim) there are converse opinions in Judaism.[14] There are “practically nil” roles assigned to demons in the Hebrew Bible.[20] In Judaism today, beliefs in “demons” or “evil spirits” are either midot hasidut (Hebr. for “customs of the pious”), and therefore not halachah, or notions based on a superstition that are non-essential, non-binding parts of Judaism, and therefore not normative Jewish practice. That is to say, Jews are not obligated to believe in the existence of shedim, as posek rabbi David Bar-Hayim points out.[21]
  
  Tanakh
  Edit
  The Tanakh mentions two classes of demonic spirits, the se’irim and the shedim. The word shedim appears only in two places in the Tanakh (Psalm 106:37, Deuteronomy 32:17). The se’irim are mentioned once in Leviticus 17:7,[22] probably a re-calling of Assyrian demons in shape of goats.[23] The shedim in return are not pagan demigods, but the foreign gods themselves. Both entities appear in a scriptural context of animal or child sacrifice to “non-existent” false gods.[14][20][24]
  
  Talmudic tradition
  Edit
  See also: Talmud and Jerusalem Talmud
  In the Jerusalem Talmud notions of shedim (“demons” or “spirits”) are almost unknown or occur only very rarely, whereas in the Babylon Talmud there are many references to shedim and magical incantations. The existence of shedim in general was not questioned by most of the Babylonian Talmudists. As a consequence of the rise of influence of the Babylonian Talmud over that of the Jerusalem Talmud, late rabbis in general took as fact the existence of shedim, nor did most of the medieval thinkers question their reality. However, rationalists like Maimonides, Saadia Gaon and Abraham ibn Ezra and others explicitly denied their existence, and completely rejected concepts of demons, evil spirits, negative spiritual influences, attaching and possessing spirits. Their point of view eventually became mainstream Jewish understanding.[14][25]
  
  Kabbalah
  Edit
  See also: Kabbalah, Destroying angel (Bible), and Asmodeus
  In Kabbalah demons are regarded a necessary part of the divine emanation in the material world and a byproduct of human sin (Qliphoth).[26] However spirits such as the shedim may also be benevolent and were used in kabbalistic ceremonies (as with the golem of Rabbi Yehuda Loevy) and malevolent shedim (Mazikin, from the root meaning “to damage”) were often credited with possession.[27]
  
  Aggadah
  Edit
  See also: Aggadah and Angels in Judaism
  Aggadic tales from the Persian tradition describe the shedim, the mazziḳim (“harmers”), and the ruḥin (“spirits”). There were also lilin (“night spirits”), ṭelane (“shade”, or “evening spirits”), ṭiharire (“midday spirits”), and ẓafrire (“morning spirits”), as well as the “demons that bring famine” and “such as cause storm and earthquake”.[28][14] According to some aggadic stories, demons were under the dominion of a king or chief, either Asmodai[29] or, in the older Aggadah, Samael (“the angel of death”), who killed via poison. Stories in the fashion of this kind of folklore never became an essential feature of Jewish theology.[25] Although occasionally an angel is called satan in the Babylon Talmud, this does not refer to a demon: “Stand not in the way of an ox when coming from the pasture, for Satan dances between his horns”.[30]
  
  Second Temple period texts
  Edit
  See also: Apotropaic magic and Angels in Judaism
  To the Qumran community during the Second Temple period this apotropaic prayer was assigned, stating: “And, I the Sage, declare the grandeur of his radiance in order to frighten and terri[fy] all the spirits of the ravaging angels and the bastard spirits, demons, Liliths, owls” (Dead Sea Scrolls, “Songs of the Sage,” Lines 4–5).[31][32]
  
  In the Dead Sea Scrolls, there exists a fragment entitled “Curses of Belial” (Curses of Belial (Dead Sea Scrolls, 394, 4Q286(4Q287, fr. 6)=4QBerakhot)). This fragment holds much rich language that reflects the sentiment shared between the Qumran towards Belial. In many ways this text shows how these people thought Belial influenced sin through the way they address him and speak of him. By addressing “Belial and all his guilty lot,” (4Q286:2) they make it clear that he is not only impious, but also guilty of sins. Informing this state of uncleanliness are both his “hostile” and “wicked design” (4Q286:3,4). Through this design, Belial poisons the thoughts of those who are not necessarily sinners. Thus a dualism is born from those inclined to be wicked and those who aren’t.[33] It is clear that Belial directly influences sin by the mention of “abominable plots” and “guilty inclination” (4Q286:8,9). These are both mechanisms by which Belial advances his evil agenda that the Qumran have exposed and are calling upon God to protect them from. There is a deep sense of fear that Belial will “establish in their heart their evil devices” (4Q286:11,12). This sense of fear is the stimulus for this prayer in the first place. Without the worry and potential of falling victim to Belial’s demonic sway, the Qumran people would never feel impelled to craft a curse. This very fact illuminates the power Belial was believed to hold over mortals, and the fact that sin proved to be a temptation that must stem from an impure origin.
  
  In Jubilees 1:20, Belial’s appearance continues to support the notion that sin is a direct product of his influence. Moreover, Belial’s presence acts as a placeholder for all negative influences or those that would potentially interfere with God’s will and a pious existence. Similarly to the “gentiles … [who] cause them to sin against you” (Jubilees 1:19), Belial is associated with a force that drives one away from God. Coupled in this plea for protection against foreign rule, in this case the Egyptians, is a plea for protection from “the spirit of Belial” (Jubilees 1:19). Belial’s tendency is to “ensnare [you] from every path of righteousness” (Jubilees 1:19). This phrase is intentionally vague, allowing room for interpretation. Everyone, in one way or another, finds themselves straying from the path of righteousness and by pawning this transgression off on Belial, he becomes a scapegoat for all misguidance, no matter what the cause. By associating Belial with all sorts of misfortune and negative external influence, the Qumran people are henceforth allowed to be let off for the sins they commit.
  
  Belial’s presence is found throughout the War Scrolls, located in the Dead Sea Scrolls, and is established as the force occupying the opposite end of the spectrum of God. In Col. I, verse 1, the very first line of the document, it is stated that “the first attack of the Sons of Light shall be undertaken against the forces of the Sons of Darkness, the army of Belial” (1Q33;1:1).[34] This dichotomy sheds light on the negative connotations that Belial held at the time.[35] Where God and his Sons of Light are forces that protect and promote piety, Belial and his Sons of Darkness cater to the opposite, instilling the desire to sin and encouraging destruction. This opposition is only reinforced later in the document; it continues to read that the “holy ones” will “strike a blow at wickedness”, ultimately resulting in the “annihilation of the Sons of Darkness” (1Q33:1:13). This epic battle between good and evil described in such abstract terms, however it is also applicable to everyday life and serves as a lens through which the Qumran see the world. Every day is the Sons of Light battle evil and call upon God to help them overcome evil in ways small and large.
  
  Belial’s influence is not taken lightly. In Col. XI, verse 8, the text depicts God conquering the “hordes of Belial” (1Q33;11:8). This defeat is indicative of God’s power over Belial and his forces of temptation. However the fact that Belial is the leader of hordes is a testament to how persuasive he can be. If Belial was obviously an arbiter of wrongdoing and was blatantly in the wrong, he wouldn’t be able to amass an army. This fact serves as a warning message, reasserting God’s strength, while also making it extremely clear the breadth of Belial’s prowess. Belial’s “council is to condemn and convict”, so the Qumran feel strongly that their people are not only aware of his purpose, but also equipped to combat his influence (1Q33;13:11).
  
  In the Damascus Document, Belial also makes a prominent appearance, being established as a source of evil and an origin of several types of sin. In Column 4, the first mention of Belial reads: “Belial shall be unleashed against Israel” (4Q266). This phrase is able to be interpreted myriad different ways. Belial is characterized in a wild and uncontrollable fashion, making him seem more dangerous and unpredictable. The notion of being unleashed is such that once he is free to roam; he is unstoppable and able to carry out his agenda uninhibited. The passage then goes to enumerate the “three nets” (4Q266;4:16) by which Belial captures his prey and forces them to sin. “Fornication …, riches …, [and] the profanation of the temple” (4Q266;4:17,18) make up the three nets. These three temptations were three agents by which people were driven to sin, so subsequently, the Qumran people crafted the nets of Belial to rationalize why these specific temptations were so toxic. Later in Column 5, Belial is mentioned again as one of “the removers of bound who led Israel astray” (4Q266;5:20). This statement is a clear display of Belial’s influence over man regarding sin. The passage goes on to state: “they preached rebellion against … God” (4Q266;5:21,22). Belial’s purpose is to undermine the teachings of God, and he achieves this by imparting his nets on humans, or the incentive to sin.[36]
  
  In the War of the Sons of Light Against the Sons of Darkness, Belial controls scores of demons, which are specifically allotted to him by God for the purpose of performing evil.[37] Belial, despite his malevolent disposition, is considered an angel.[38]
  
  Christianity
  Edit
  Old Testament
  Edit
  Demonic entities in the Old Testament of the Christian Bible are of two classes: the “satyrs” or “shaggy goats” (from Hebr. se’irim “hairy beings”, “he-goats” or “fauns”; Isaiah 13:21, 34:14)[39] and the “demons” (from Hebr. shedim first translated as Greek: δαιμόνιον daimonion, “daemon”; 106:35–39, 32:17).
  
  New Testament
  Edit
  
  Medieval illumination from the Ottheinrich Folio depicting the exorcism of the Gerasene demoniac by Jesus
  The term demon (from the Koine Greek δαιμόνιον daimonion) appears 63 times in the New Testament of the Christian Bible, mostly if not all relating to occurrences of possession of individuals and exorcism by Jesus.[40][41][42]
  
  Pseudepigrapha and Deuterocanonical books
  Edit
  Main articles: Pseudepigrapha and Deuterocanonical books
  See also: Book of Tobit, Book of Enoch, and Book of Jubilees
  Demons are sometimes included into biblical interpretation. In the story of Passover, the Bible tells the story as “the Lord struck down all the firstborn in Egypt” (Exodus 12:21–29). In the Book of Jubilees, which is considered canonical only by the Ethiopian Orthodox Church,[43] this same event is told slightly differently: “All the powers of [the demon] Mastema had been let loose to slay all the first-born in the land of Egypt…And the powers of the Lord did everything according as the Lord commanded them” (Jubilees 49:2–4).
  
  In the Genesis flood narrative the author explains how God was noticing “how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways” (Genesis 6:12). In Jubilees the sins of man are attributed to “the unclean demons [who] began to lead astray the children of the sons of Noah, and to make to err and destroy them” (Jubilees 10:1). In Jubilees Mastema questions the loyalty of Abraham and tells God to “bid him offer him as a burnt offering on the altar, and Thou wilt see if he will do this command” (Jubilees 17:16). The discrepancy between the story in Jubilees and the story in Genesis 22 exists with the presence of Mastema. In Genesis, God tests the will of Abraham merely to determine whether he is a true follower, however; in Jubilees Mastema has an agenda behind promoting the sacrifice of Abraham’s son, “an even more demonic act than that of the Satan in Job.”[44] In Jubilees, where Mastema, an angel tasked with the tempting of mortals into sin and iniquity, requests that God give him a tenth of the spirits of the children of the watchers, demons, in order to aid the process.[45] These demons are passed into Mastema’s authority, where once again, an angel is in charge of demonic spirits.
  
  Demon Seated by Mikhail Vrubel (1890), an illustration to the Russian romantic poem demon by Mikhail Lermontov. Vrubel views this demon as “a spirit, not so much evil as suffering and sorrowing, but in all that a powerful spirit… a majestic spirit”.[46]
  The sources of demonic influence were thought to originate from the Watchers or Nephilim, who are first mentioned in Genesis 6 and are the focus of 1 Enoch Chapters 1–16, and also in Jubilees 10. The Nephilim were seen as the source of the sin and evil on earth because they are referenced in Genesis 6:4 before the story of the Flood.[47] In Genesis 6:5, God sees evil in the hearts of men. The passage states, “the wickedness of humankind on earth was great”, and that “Every inclination of the thoughts of their hearts was only continually evil” (Genesis 5). The mention of the Nephilim in the preceding sentence connects the spread of evil to the Nephilim. Enoch is a very similar story to Genesis 6:4–5, and provides further description of the story connecting the Nephilim to the corruption of humans. In Enoch, sin originates when angels descend from heaven and fornicate with women, birthing giants as tall as 300 cubits. The giants and the angels’ departure of Heaven and mating with human women are also seen as the source of sorrow and sadness on Earth. The book of Enoch shows that these fallen angels can lead humans to sin through direct interaction or through providing forbidden knowledge. In Enoch, Semyaz leads the angels to mate with women. Angels mating with humans is against God’s commands and is a cursed action, resulting in the wrath of God coming upon Earth. Azazel indirectly influences humans to sin by teaching them divine knowledge not meant for humans. Asael brings down the “stolen mysteries” (Enoch 16:3). Asael gives the humans weapons, which they use to kill each other. Humans are also taught other sinful actions such as beautification techniques, alchemy, astrology and how to make medicine (considered forbidden knowledge at the time). Demons originate from the evil spirits of the giants that are cursed by God to wander the earth. These spirits are stated in Enoch to “corrupt, fall, be excited, and fall upon the earth, and cause sorrow” (Enoch 15:11).[48]
  
  The Book of Jubilees conveys that sin occurs when Cainan accidentally transcribes astrological knowledge used by the Watchers (Jubilees 8). This differs from Enoch in that it does not place blame on the Angels. However, in Jubilees 10:4 the evil spirits of the Watchers are discussed as evil and still remain on earth to corrupt the humans. God binds only 90 percent of the Watchers and destroys them, leaving 10 percent to be ruled by Mastema. Because the evil in humans is great, only 10 percent would be needed to corrupt and lead humans astray. These spirits of the giants also referred to as “the bastards” in the Apotropaic prayer Songs of the Sage, which lists the names of demons the narrator hopes to expel.[49]
  
  Christian demonology
  Edit
  Main articles: Christian demonology, Exorcism in Christianity, Exorcism in the Catholic Church, and Demonic possession § Christianity
  
  Death and the Miser (detail), a Hieronymus Bosch painting, National Gallery of Art, Washington, D.C.
  In Christianity, demons are corrupted spirits carrying the execution of Satan’s desires. They are generally regarded as three different types of spirits:
  
  Souls of the wicked deceased, which roam the earth to torment the living.[50]
  Nephilim, who came into being by union between angels and human, but their bodily part were wiped out during the Great flood. Their spiritual part now desires reembodiment.[51][52]
  Fallen angels, who sided with Lucifer and were cast out of heaven by Michael after battle.
  Often deities of other religions are interpreted or identified as such “demons” (from the Greek Old Testament δαιμόνιον daimonion).[53] The evolution of the Christian Devil and pentagram are examples of early rituals and images that showcase evil qualities, as seen by the Christian churches.
  
  Since Early Christianity, demonology has developed from a simple acceptance of demons to a complex study that has grown from the original ideas taken from Jewish demonology and Christian scriptures.[54] Christian demonology is studied in depth within the Roman Catholic Church,[55] although many other Christian churches affirm and discuss the existence of demons.[56][57]
  
  Building upon the few references to daemons in the New Testament, especially the poetry of the Book of Revelation, Christian writers of apocrypha from the 2nd century onwards created a more complicated tapestry of beliefs about “demons” that was largely independent of Christian scripture.
  
  St. Anthony the Great plagued by demons, engraving by Martin Schongauer in the 1480s.
  The contemporary Roman Catholic Church unequivocally teaches that angels and demons are real beings rather than just symbolic devices. The Catholic Church has a cadre of officially sanctioned exorcists which perform many exorcisms each year. The exorcists of the Catholic Church teach that demons attack humans continually but that afflicted persons can be effectively healed and protected either by the formal rite of exorcism, authorized to be performed only by bishops and those they designate, or by prayers of deliverance, which any Christian can offer for themselves or others.[58]
  
  At various times in Christian history, attempts have been made to classify demons according to various proposed demonic hierarchies.
  
  In the Gospels, particularly the Gospel of Mark, Jesus cast out many demons from those afflicted with various ailments. He also lent this power to some of his disciples (Luke 10:17).
  
  Apuleius, by Augustine of Hippo, is ambiguous as to whether daemons had become “demonized” by the early 5th century:
  
  He [Apulieus] also states that the blessed are called in Greek eudaimones, because they are good souls, that is to say, good demons, confirming his opinion that the souls of men are demons.[59]
  
  Islam
  Edit
  
  Demons depicted in the Book of Wonders, a late 14th century Arabic manuscript
  
  Depiction of a member of the Zabaniyya
  Islam and Islam-related beliefs acknowledges the concept of evil spirits known as malevolent Jinn, Afarit and Shayatin. Unlike the belief in angels, belief in demons is not obligated by the six articles of Islamic faith.[60] However, the existence of several demonic spirits is generally assumed by Islamic theology and further elaborated beliefs persist in Islamic folklore. Furthermore the Quran mentions the Zabaniyya, who torture the damned in hell, who may have originated from a class of Arabian demons.[61] However, their execution of punishment is in accordance with God’s order, therefore they are not equalized with Shayatin, who in turn are rebellious against the divine will.
  
  Jinn and shayatin
  Edit
  Rather than demonic, jinn are depicted as close to humans regarded as living in societies, in need of dwelling places, eating and drinking, and although their lifespan exceeds those of humans over centuries, they die and also need to procreate, but because they are created from smokeless fire in contrast to humans made from solid earth, the latter can not see them. As for humans, jinn are also subject to temptations of the shayatin and Satan therefore may either be good or evil.[62] Evil jinn are comparable to demons, scaring or possessing humans. In folklore some jinn may also lurk on lonely travelers to dissuade them from their paths and eat their corpses. Although not evil, a jinni may haunt a person, because it feels offended by him. Islam has no binding origin story of jinn, but Islamic beliefs commonly assume that the jinn were created on a Thursday thousands of years before mankind. Therefore Islamic medieval narratives often called them pre-Adamites.[63] However, just like shayatin, jinn are held responsible for various deceases and possession. Further both can be summoned and subjugated by magicians.[64] Both are thought to lurk in dirty and desolated places.[65]
  
  Otherwise the shayatin are the Islamic equivalent of “demons” in western usage.[66] Islam differs in regard of the origin of demons. They may either be a class of heavenly creatures cast out of heaven or the descendants of Iblis.[67] Unlike jinn and humans, shayatin are immortal and will meet their end when the world ceases to exist, however prayers could dissolve or banish them.[68] However unlike jinn and human, shayatin can not attain salvation. Further they are thought to attempt to reach to heaven, but are chased away from the angels or shooting stars. The shayatin usually do not possess people, but “whisper” to their minds and seduce them into falsehood and sin. These are called waswās and may enter the hearts of humans to support negative feelings, especially in states of strong emotion like depression or anger.[69][better source needed]
  
  Ifrit
  Edit
  Another demonic spirit is called ifrit and although there are no descriptions regarding an iftrits behavior found in Islamic canonical texts, Folk Islam often depicts them with traits of malevolent ghosts, returning after death or a subcategory of shayatin drawn the life-force of those who were murdered. Moreover, they are not exactly shayatin since they differ in their origin.[70]
  
  Bahá’í Faith
  Edit
  In the Bahá’í Faith, demons are not regarded as independent evil spirits as they are in some faiths. Rather, evil spirits described in various faiths’ traditions, such as Satan, fallen angels, demons and jinn, are metaphors for the base character traits a human being may acquire and manifest when he turns away from God and follows his lower nature. Belief in the existence of ghosts and earthbound spirits is rejected and considered to be the product of superstition.[71]
  
  Ceremonial magic
  Edit
  
  While some people fear demons, or attempt to exorcise them, others willfully attempt to summon them for knowledge, assistance, or power. The ceremonial magician usually consults a grimoire, which gives the names and abilities of demons as well as detailed instructions for conjuring and controlling them. Grimoires are not limited to demons – some give the names of angels or spirits which can be called, a process called theurgy. The use of ceremonial magic to call demons is also known as goetia, the name taken from a section in the famous grimoire known as the Lesser Key of Solomon.[72]
  
  Hinduism
  Edit
  
  Learn more
  This section needs additional citations for verification.
  Learn more
  This article possibly contains original research.
  Hindu beliefs include numerous varieties of spirits that might be classified as demigods, including Vetalas, Bhutas and Pishachas. Rakshasas and Asuras are often misunderstood to be demons.
  
  Asuras
  Edit
  See also: Surapadman and Narakasura
  
  The Army of Super Creatures – from The Saugandhika Parinaya Manuscript (1821 CE)
  Asura, in the earliest hymns of the Rigveda, originally meant any supernatural spirit, either good or bad. Since the /s/ of the Indic linguistic branch is cognate with the /h/ of the Early Iranian languages, the word Asura, representing a category of celestial beings, is a cognate of Ahura (Mazda), the Supreme God of the monotheistic Zoroastrians. Ancient Hinduism tells that Devas (also called suras) and Asuras are half-brothers, sons of the same father Kashyapa; although some of the Devas, such as Varuna, are also called Asuras. Later, during Puranic age, Asura and Rakshasa came to exclusively mean any of a race of anthropomorphic, powerful, possibly evil beings. Daitya (lit. sons of the mother “Diti”), Maya Danava, Rakshasa (lit. from “harm to be guarded against”), and Asura are incorrectly translated into English as “demon”.
  
  In post-Vedic Hindu scriptures, pious, highly enlightened Asuras, such as Prahlada and Vibhishana, are not uncommon. The Asura are not fundamentally against the gods, nor do they tempt humans to fall. Many people metaphorically interpret the Asura as manifestations of the ignoble passions in the human mind and as symbolic devices. There were also cases of power-hungry Asuras challenging various aspects of the gods, but only to be defeated eventually and seek forgiveness.
  
  Evil spirits
  Edit
  Hinduism advocates the reincarnation and transmigration of souls according to one’s karma. Souls (Atman) of the dead are adjudged by the Yama and are accorded various purging punishments before being reborn. Humans that have committed extraordinary wrongs are condemned to roam as lonely, often mischief mongers, spirits for a length of time before being reborn. Many kinds of such spirits (Vetalas, Pishachas, Bhūta) are recognized in the later Hindu texts.
  
  Iranian demons
  Edit
  
  Zoroastrianism
  Edit
  Main article: Daeva
  Evil spirits are the creation of the evil principle Ahriman in Zoroastrian cosmology, commonly referred to as Daeva. The first six archdemons are produced by Ahriman in direct opposition to the holy immortals created by Ahura Mazda the principle of good. This six archdemons (or seven if Ahriman is included) give existence to uncountable malevolent daeva; the Zorastrian demons. They are the embodiment of evil, causing moral imperfection, destroy, kill and torment the wicked souls in the afterlife.[73] Some demons are related to specific vices. Humans in the state of such sin might be possessed by a corresponding demon:[74]
  
  Anger (Kheshm)
  Lazyness (Bushyansta)
  Envy (Areshk)
  Gossip (Spazga)
  Grief (Akoman)
  Manichaeism
  Edit
  See also: Asrestar
  In Manichaean mythology demons had a real existence, as they derived from the Kingdom of Darkness, they were not metaphors expressing the absence of good nor are they fallen angels, that means they are not originally good, but entities purely evil. The demons came into the world after the Prince of Darkness assaulted the Realm of Light. The demons ultimately failed their attack and ended up imprisoned in the structures and matter of the contemporary world.[75] Lacking virtues and being in constant conflict with both the divine creatures and themselves, they are inferior to the divine entities and overcome by the divine beings at the end of time. They are not sophisticated or inventive creatures, but only driven by their urges.[76]
  
  Simultaneously, the Manichaean concept of demons remains abstract and is closely linked to ethical aspects of evil that many of them appear as personified evil qualities such as:[76]
  
  Greed (sexual desire)
  Wrath (desire for destruction)
  envy
  grief
  The Watcher, another group of demonic entities, known from the Enochian writings, appear in the canonical Book of Giants. The Watchers came into existence after the demons were chained up in the sky by Living Spirit. Later, outwitted by Third Messenger, they fall to earth, there they had intercourse with human women and beget the monstrous Nephilim. Thereupon they establish a tyrannical rule on earth, suppressing mankind, until they are defeated by the angels of punishment, setting an end to their rule.[77]
  
  Native North American demons
  Edit
  
  Wendigo
  Edit
  Main articles: Wendigo and Wechuge
  The Algonquian people traditionally believe in a spirit called a wendigo. The spirit is believed to possess people who then become cannibals. In Athabaskan folklore, there is a belief in wechuge, a similar cannibal sprit.
  
  Wicca
  Edit
  
  According to Rosemary Ellen Guiley, “Demons are not courted or worshipped in contemporary Wicca and Paganism. The existence of negative energies is acknowledged.”[78]
  
  Modern interpretations
  Edit
  
  The classic Japanese demon, an ogre-like creature which often has horns.
  Psychologist Wilhelm Wundt remarked that “among the activities attributed by myths all over the world to demons, the harmful predominate, so that in popular belief bad demons are clearly older than good ones.”[79] Sigmund Freud developed this idea and claimed that the concept of demons was derived from the important relation of the living to the dead: “The fact that demons are always regarded as the spirits of those who have died recently shows better than anything the influence of mourning on the origin of the belief in demons.”[80]
  
  M. Scott Peck, an American psychiatrist, wrote two books on the subject, People of the Lie: The Hope For Healing Human Evil[81] and Glimpses of the Devil: A Psychiatrist’s Personal Accounts of Possession, Exorcism, and Redemption.[82] Peck describes in some detail several cases involving his patients. In People of the Lie he provides identifying characteristics of an evil person, whom he classified as having a character disorder. In Glimpses of the Devil Peck goes into significant detail describing how he became interested in exorcism in order to debunk the myth of possession by evil spirits – only to be convinced otherwise after encountering two cases which did not fit into any category known to psychology or psychiatry. Peck came to the conclusion that possession was a rare phenomenon related to evil and that possessed people are not actually evil; rather, they are doing battle with the forces of evil.[83]
  
  Although Peck’s earlier work was met with widespread popular acceptance, his work on the topics of evil and possession has generated significant debate and derision. Much was made of his association with (and admiration for) the controversial Malachi Martin, a Roman Catholic priest and a former Jesuit, despite the fact that Peck consistently called Martin a liar and a manipulator.[84][85] Richard Woods, a Roman Catholic priest and theologian, has claimed that Dr. Peck misdiagnosed patients based upon a lack of knowledge regarding dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder) and had apparently transgressed the boundaries of professional ethics by attempting to persuade his patients into accepting Christianity.[84] Father Woods admitted that he has never witnessed a genuine case of demonic possession in all his years.[86][87][88]
  
  According to S. N. Chiu, God is shown sending a demon against Saul in 1 Samuel 16 and 18 in order to punish him for the failure to follow God’s instructions, showing God as having the power to use demons for his own purposes, putting the demon under his divine authority.[89] According to the Britannica Concise Encyclopedia, demons, despite being typically associated with evil, are often shown to be under divine control, and not acting of their own devices.[90]
  
  See also
  Edit
  
  Acheri
  Classification of demons
  Empusa
  Erinyes
  Folk devil
  Ghoul
  Goblin
  Holy water#Protection against evil
  Imp
  List of fictional demons
  List of theological demons
  Mara
  Oni
  Spiritual warfare
  Theistic Satanism
  Yaoguai
  Yokai
  Zlydzens
  References
  Edit
  
  ^ a b Liddell, Henry George; Scott, Robert. “δαιμόνιον”. A Greek–English Lexicon. Perseus.
  ^ a b “Demon”. Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Encyclopædia Britannica. Retrieved 12 April 2012.
  ^ See, for example, the course synopsis and bibliography for “Magic, Science, Religion: The Development of the Western Esoteric Traditions” Archived November 29, 2014, at the Wayback Machine, at Central European University, Budapest
  ^ Fox, Robin Lane (1989). Pagans and Christians. p. 137.
  ^ See the Medieval grimoire called the Ars Goetia.
  ^ Boyce, 1987; Black and Rowley, 1987; Duchesne-Guillemin, 1988.
  ^ Rita Lucarelli Demons (Benevolent and Malevolent Ucla Encyclopedia of egyptology 2010 p.3
  ^ a b c Rita Lucarelli Demons (Benevolent and Malevolent Ucla Encyclopedia of egyptology 2010 p. 2
  ^ a b Siam Bhayro, Catherine Rider Demons and Illness from Antiquity to the Early-Modern Period BRILL 2017 ISBN 978-9-004-33854-8 p. 53
  ^ Rita Lucarelli Demons (Benevolent and Malevolent Ucla Encyclopedia of egyptology 2010 p. 3
  ^ Siam Bhayro, Catherine Rider Demons and Illness from Antiquity to the Early-Modern Period BRILL 2017 ISBN 978-9-004-33854-8 p. 55
  ^ a b Rita Lucarelli Demons (Benevolent and Malevolent Ucla Encyclopedia of egyptology 2010 p. 4
  ^ Dorian Gieseler Greenbaum The Daimon in Hellenistic Astrology: Origins and Influence BRILL 2015 ISBN 9789004306219 p. 120
  ^ a b c d e f Hirsch, Emil G.; Gottheil, Richard; Kohler, Kaufmann; Broydé, Isaac (1906). “Demonology”. Jewish Encyclopedia.
  ^ See Delitzsch, Assyrisches Handwörterbuch. pp. 60, 253, 261, 646; Jensen, Assyr.-Babyl. Mythen und Epen, 1900, p. 453; Archibald Sayce, l.c. pp. 441, 450, 463; Lenormant, l.c. pp. 48–51.
  ^ compare Isaiah 38:11 with Job 14:13; Psalms 16:10, 49:16, and 139:8
  ^ Isaacs, Ronald H. (1998). Ascending Jacob’s Ladder: Jewish Views of Angels, Demons, and Evil Spirits. Jason Aronson. p. 96. ISBN 978-0-7657-5965-8. Retrieved 10 September 2014.
  ^ Bellum Judaeorum vii. 6, § 3
  ^ “Antiquities” viii. 2, § 5
  ^ a b “Demons & Demonology”. jewishvirtuallibrary.org. The Gale Group. Retrieved 21 March 2015.
  ^ Bar-Hayim, David. “Do Jews Believe in Demons and Evil Spirits?-Interview with Rabbi David Bar-Hayim”. http://www.youtube.com. Tora Nation Machon Shilo. Retrieved 20 March 2015.
  ^ “DEMONOLOGY – JewishEncyclopedia.com”. http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com.
  ^ Benjamin W. McCraw, Robert Arp Philosophical Approaches to Demonology Routledge 2017 ISBN 978-1-315-46675-0 page 9
  ^ Plaut, W. Gunther (2005). The Torah: A Modern Commentary. Union for Reform Judaism. p. 1403.
  ^ a b Bar-Hayim, David (HaRav). “Do Jews Believe in Demons and Evil Spirits?”. Machon Shilo. Retrieved 20 March 2015.
  ^ Geoffrey W. Dennis The Encyclopedia of Jewish Myth, Magic and Mysticism: Second Edition Llewellyn Worldwide 2016 ISBN 978-0-738-74814-6
  ^ Pettigrove, Cedrick (2017-01-16). The Esoteric Codex: Supernatural Legends. Lulu.com. ISBN 9781329053090.
  ^ (Targ. Yer. to Deuteronomy xxxii. 24 and Numbers vi. 24; Targ. to Cant. iii. 8, iv. 6; Eccl. ii. 5; Ps. xci. 5, 6.)
  ^ Targ. to Eccl. i. 13; Pes. 110a; Yer. Shek. 49b
  ^ Pes. 112b; compare B. Ḳ. 21a
  ^ García, Martínez Florentino. The Dead Sea Scrolls Translated: The Qumran Texts in English. Leiden: E.J. Brill, 1994. Print.
  ^ Florentino Martinez Garcia, Magic in the Dead Sea Scrolls: The Metamorphosis of Magic: From Late Antiquity to the Early Modern Period, compilers Jan Bremmer and Jan R. Veenstra (Leuven: Peeters, 2003).
  ^ Frey, J. (1984). “Different patterns of dualistic thought in the Qumran library”. Legal Texts And Legal Issues. p. 287.
  ^ Nickelsburg, George. Jewish Literature between the Bible and the Mishna.
  ^ Frey (1984), p. 278.
  ^ Nickelsburg, p. 147.
  ^ Dead Sea Scrolls 1QS III 20–25
  ^ Martin, Dale Basil (2010). “When did Angels Become Demons?”. Journal of Biblical Literature. 129 (4): 657–677. doi:10.2307/25765960. JSTOR 25765960.
  ^ “Hebrew Concordance: ū·śə·’î·rîm – 1 Occurrence”. Biblesuite.com. Retrieved 2014-03-12.
  ^ “1140. daimonion”. Biblos.com. Retrieved 20 March 2015.
  ^ Dan Burton and David Grandy, Magic, Mystery, and Science: The Occult in Western Civilization (Indiana University Press, 2003), p. 120 online.
  ^ Illes, Judika (2009). Encyclopedia of Spirits: The Ultimate Guide to the Magic of Fairies, Genies, Demons, Ghosts, Gods & Goddesses. HarperCollins. p. 902.
  ^ Harris, Stephen L., Understanding the Bib
  2019-07-11 21:19:05 UTC 0
  - Humble Damien · 6 years, 11 months ago
    Replying to: Challas Bronze statuette of the Assyro-Babylonian demon king Pazuzu
    SHREK
    Once upon a time there was a lovely
    princess. But she had an enchantment
    upon her of a fearful sort which could
    only be broken by love’s first kiss.
    She was locked away in a castle guarded
    by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
    Many brave knights had attempted to
    free her from this dreadful prison,
    but non prevailed. She waited in the
    dragon’s keep in the highest room of
    the tallest tower for her true love
    and true love’s first kiss. (laughs)
    Like that’s ever gonna happen. What
    a load of – (toilet flush)
    
    Allstar – by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
    day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
    after the ogre.
    
    NIGHT – NEAR SHREK’S HOME
    
    MAN1
    Think it’s in there?
    
    MAN2
    All right. Let’s get it!
    
    MAN1
    Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
    thing can do to you?
    
    MAN3
    Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for it’s
    bread.
    
    Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
    
    SHREK
    Yes, well, actually, that would be a
    giant. Now, ogres, oh they’re much worse.
    They’ll make a suit from your freshly
    peeled skin.
    
    MEN
    No!
    
    SHREK
    They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the
    jelly from your eyes! Actually, it’s
    quite good on toast.
    
    MAN1
    Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
    (waves the torch at Shrek.)
    
    Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
    men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
    and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
    men are in the dark.
    
    SHREK
    This is the part where you run away.
    (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
    And stay out! (looks down and picks
    up a piece of paper. Reads.) “Wanted.
    Fairy tale creatures.”(He sighs and
    throws the paper over his shoulder.)
    
    THE NEXT DAY
    
    There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
    sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
    to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
    are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
    who’s carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
    little pigs.
    
    GUARD
    All right. This one’s full. Take it
    away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Next!
    
    GUARD
    (taking the witch’s broom) Give me that!
    Your flying days are over. (breaks the
    broom in half)
    
    HEAD GUARD
    That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
    Next!
    
    GUARD
    Get up! Come on!
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Twenty pieces.
    
    LITTLE BEAR
    (crying) This cage is too small.
    
    DONKEY
    Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll never
    be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
    Give me another chance!
    
    OLD WOMAN
    Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
    
    DONKEY
    Oh!
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Next! What have you got?
    
    GIPETTO
    This little wooden puppet.
    
    PINOCCHIO
    I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy. (his
    nose grows)
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Five shillings for the possessed toy.
    Take it away.
    
    PINOCCHIO
    Father, please! Don’t let them do this!
    Help me!
    
    Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
    to the table.
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Next! What have you got?
    
    OLD WOMAN
    Well, I’ve got a talking donkey.
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings,
    if you can prove it.
    
    OLD WOMAN
    Oh, go ahead, little fella.
    
    Donkey just looks up at her.
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Well?
    
    OLD WOMAN
    Oh, oh, he’s just…he’s just a little
    nervous. He’s really quite a chatterbox.
    Talk, you boneheaded dolt…
    
    HEAD GUARD
    That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Guards!
    
    OLD WOMAN
    No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
    to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
    talk. I’m the talkingest damn thing
    you ever saw.
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Get her out of my sight.
    
    OLD WOMAN
    No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
    
    The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
    of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s
    hands, and her cage drops on Donkey’s head. He gets sprinkled
    with fairy dust and he’s able to fly.
    
    DONKEY
    Hey! I can fly!
    
    PETER PAN
    He can fly!
    
    3 LITTLE PIGS
    He can fly!
    
    HEAD GUARD
    He can talk!
    
    DONKEY
    Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m
    a flying, talking donkey. You might
    have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
    but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey
    fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
    to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
    to the ground.)
    
    He hits the ground with a thud.
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
    After him!
    
    GUARDS
    He’s getting away! Get him! This way!
    Turn!
    
    Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
    Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
    for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
    quickly hides behind Shrek.
    
    HEAD GUARD
    You there. Ogre!
    
    SHREK
    Aye?
    
    HEAD GUARD
    By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
    to place you both under arrest and transport
    you to a designated resettlement facility.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, really? You and what army?
    
    He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
    and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
    and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
    begins walking back to his cottage.
    
    DONKEY
    Can I say something to you? Listen,
    you was really, really, really somethin’
    back here. Incredible!
    
    SHREK
    Are you talkin’ to…(he turns around
    and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
    around and Donkey is right in front
    of him.) Whoa!
    
    DONKEY
    Yes. I was talkin’ to you. Can I tell
    you that you that you was great back
    here? Those guards! They thought they
    was all of that. Then you showed up,
    and bam! They was trippin’ over themselves
    like babes in the woods. That really
    made me feel good to see that.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, that’s great. Really.
    
    DONKEY
    Man, it’s good to be free.
    
    SHREK
    Now, why don’t you go celebrate your
    freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
    
    DONKEY
    But, uh, I don’t have any friends. And
    I’m not goin’ out there by myself. Hey,
    wait a minute! I got a great idea! I’ll
    stick with you. You’re mean, green,
    fightin’ machine. Together we’ll scare
    the spit out of anybody that crosses
    us.
    
    Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
    loudly.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
    don’t mind me sayin’, if that don’t
    work, your breath certainly will get
    the job done, ’cause you definitely
    need some Tic Tacs or something, ’cause
    you breath stinks! You almost burned
    the hair outta my nose, just like the
    time…(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
    continues to talk, so Shrek removes
    his hand.) …then I ate some rotten
    berries. I had strong gases leaking
    out of my butt that day.
    
    SHREK
    Why are you following me?
    
    DONKEY
    I’ll tell you why. (singing) ‘Cause
    I’m all alone, There’s no one here beside
    me, My problems have all gone, There’s
    no one to deride me, But you gotta have
    faith…
    
    SHREK
    Stop singing! It’s no wonder you don’t
    have any friends.
    
    DONKEY
    Wow. Only a true friend would be that
    cruelly honest.
    
    SHREK
    Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
    me. What am I?
    
    DONKEY
    (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh …really
    tall?
    
    SHREK
    No! I’m an ogre! You know. “Grab your
    torch and pitchforks.” Doesn’t that
    bother you?
    
    DONKEY
    Nope.
    
    SHREK
    Really?
    
    DONKEY
    Really, really.
    
    SHREK
    Oh.
    
    DONKEY
    Man, I like you. What’s you name?
    
    SHREK
    Uh, Shrek.
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
    you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don’t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
    thing. I like that. I respect that,
    Shrek. You all right. (They come over
    a hill and you can see Shrek’s cottage.)
    Whoa! Look at that. Who’d want to live
    in place like that?
    
    SHREK
    That would be my home.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
    You know you are quite a decorator.
    It’s amazing what you’ve done with such
    a modest budget. I like that boulder.
    That is a nice boulder. I guess you
    don’t entertain much, do you?
    
    SHREK
    I like my privacy.
    
    DONKEY
    You know, I do too. That’s another thing
    we have in common. Like I hate it when
    you got somebody in your face. You’ve
    trying to give them a hint, and they
    won’t leave. There’s that awkward silence.
    (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
    
    SHREK
    Uh, what?
    
    DONKEY
    Can I stay with you, please?
    
    SHREK
    (sarcastically) Of course!
    
    DONKEY
    Really?
    
    SHREK
    No.
    
    DONKEY
    Please! I don’t wanna go back there!
    You don’t know what it’s like to be
    considered a freak. (pause while he
    looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
    But that’s why we gotta stick together.
    You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
    
    SHREK
    Okay! Okay! But one night only.
    
    DONKEY
    Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
    
    SHREK
    What are you…? (Donkey hops up onto
    a chair.) No! No!
    
    DONKEY
    This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
    late, swappin’ manly stories, and in
    the mornin’ I’m makin’ waffles.
    
    SHREK
    Oh!
    
    DONKEY
    Where do, uh, I sleep?
    
    SHREK
    (irritated) Outside!
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, well, I guess that’s cool. I mean,
    I don’t know you, and you don’t know
    me, so I guess outside is best, you
    know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
    slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
    like the outdoors. I’m a donkey. I was
    born outside. I’ll just be sitting by
    myself outside, I guess, you know. By
    myself, outside. I’m all alone…there’s
    no one here beside me…
    
    SHREK’S COTTAGE – NIGHT
    
    Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
    a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
    noise. He stands up with a huff.
    
    SHREK
    (to Donkey) I thought I told you to
    stay outside.
    
    DONKEY
    (from the window) I am outside.
    
    There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
    made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
    and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
    
    BLIND MOUSE1
    Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the
    farm, but what choice do we have?
    
    BLIND MOUSE2
    It’s not home, but it’ll do just fine.
    
    GORDO
    (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
    
    SHREK
    Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
    and lands on his shoulder.)
    
    GORDO
    I found some cheese. (bites Shrek’s
    ear)
    
    SHREK
    Ow!
    
    GORDO
    Blah! Awful stuff.
    
    BLIND MOUSE1
    Is that you, Gordo?
    
    GORDO
    How did you know?
    
    SHREK
    Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
    you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
    from behind and he drops the mice.)
    Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
    with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
    no, no. Dead broad off the table.
    
    DWARF
    Where are we supposed to put her? The
    bed’s taken.
    
    SHREK
    Huh?
    
    Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
    The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
    him.
    
    BIG BAD WOLF
    What?
    
    TIME LAPSE
    
    Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
    him to the front door.
    
    SHREK
    I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m
    a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
    do get a little privacy? (He opens the
    front door to throw the Wolf out and
    he sees that all the collected Fairy
    Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
    no. No! No!
    
    The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
    pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
    flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land…etc.
    
    SHREK
    What are you doing in my swamp? (this
    echoes and everyone falls silent.)
    
    Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
    tent.
    
    SHREK
    All right, get out of here. All of you,
    move it! Come on! Let’s go! Hapaya!
    Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
    dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
    No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
    shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
    look at Donkey)
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t invite
    them.
    
    PINOCCHIO
    Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
    
    SHREK
    What?
    
    PINOCCHIO
    We were forced to come here.
    
    SHREK
    (flabbergasted) By who?
    
    LITTLE PIG
    Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
    and he…signed an eviction notice.
    
    SHREK
    (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
    this Farquaad guy is?
    
    Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, I do. I know where he is.
    
    SHREK
    Does anyone else know where to find
    him? Anyone at all?
    
    DONKEY
    Me! Me!
    
    SHREK
    Anyone?
    
    DONKEY
    Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
    Me, me!
    
    SHREK
    (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
    tale things. Do not get comfortable.
    Your welcome is officially worn out.
    In fact, I’m gonna see this guy Farquaad
    right now and get you all off my land
    and back where you came from! (Pause.
    Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
    You! You’re comin’ with me.
    
    DONKEY
    All right, that’s what I like to hear,
    man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
    friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
    adventure. I love it!
    
    DONKEY
    (singing) On the road again. Sing it
    with me, Shrek. I can’t wait to get
    on the road again.
    
    SHREK
    What did I say about singing?
    
    DONKEY
    Can I whistle?
    
    SHREK
    No.
    
    DONKEY
    Can I hum it?
    
    SHREK
    All right, hum it.
    
    Donkey begins to hum ‘On the Road Again’.
    
    DULOC – KITCHEN
    
    A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He’s continually
    dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
    
    FARQUAAD
    That’s enough. He’s ready to talk.
    
    The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
    onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
    table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
    up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
    
    FARQUAAD
    (he picks up the Gingerbread Man’s legs
    and plays with them) Run, run, run,
    as fast as you can. You can’t catch
    me. I’m the gingerbread man.
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    You are a monster.
    
    FARQUAAD
    I’m not the monster here. You are. You
    and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
    poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
    me! Where are the others?
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad’s
    eye.)
    
    FARQUAAD
    I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures.
    Now my patience has reached its end!
    Tell me or I’ll…(he makes as if to
    pull off the Gingerbread Man’s buttons)
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
    buttons.
    
    FARQUAAD
    All right then. Who’s hiding them?
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    Okay, I’ll tell you. Do you know the
    muffin man?
    
    FARQUAAD
    The muffin man?
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    The muffin man.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
    on Drury Lane?
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    Well, she’s married to the muffin man.
    
    FARQUAAD
    The muffin man?
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    The muffin man!
    
    FARQUAAD
    She’s married to the muffin man.
    
    The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
    
    HEAD GUARD
    My lord! We found it.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Then what are you waiting for? Bring
    it in.
    
    More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
    They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
    Mirror.
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    (in awe) Ohhhh…
    
    FARQUAAD
    Magic mirror…
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    Don’t tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
    him up and dumps him into a trash can
    with a lid.) No!
    
    FARQUAAD
    Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
    Is this not the most perfect kingdom
    of them all?
    
    MIRROR
    Well, technically you’re not a king.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
    hand mirror and smashes it with his
    fist.) You were saying?
    
    MIRROR
    What I mean is you’re not a king yet.
    But you can become one. All you have
    to do is marry a princess.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Go on.
    
    MIRROR
    (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
    and relax, my lord, because it’s time
    for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes.
    And here they are! Bachelorette number
    one is a mentally abused shut-in from
    a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
    and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
    include cooking and cleaning for her
    two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
    (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
    number two is a cape-wearing girl from
    the land of fancy. Although she lives
    with seven other men, she’s not easy.
    Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
    find out what a live wire she is. Come
    on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
    picture of Snow White) And last, but
    certainly not last, bachelorette number
    three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
    castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
    But don’t let that cool you off. She’s
    a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
    and getting caught in the rain. Yours
    for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
    picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
    be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
    number two or bachelorette number three?
    
    GUARDS
    Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
    
    FARQUAAD
    Three? One? Three?
    
    THELONIUS
    Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
    three, my lord!
    
    FARQUAAD
    Okay, okay, uh, number three!
    
    MIRROR
    Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess
    Fiona.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Princess Fiona. She’s perfect. All I
    have to do is just find someone who
    can go…
    
    MIRROR
    But I probably should mention the little
    thing that happens at night.
    
    FARQUAAD
    I’ll do it.
    
    MIRROR
    Yes, but after sunset…
    
    FARQUAAD
    Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
    my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
    the perfect king! Captain, assemble
    your finest men. We’re going to have
    a tournament. (smiles evilly)
    
    DuLoc Parking Lot – Lancelot Section
    
    Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
    lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
    
    DONKEY
    But that’s it. That’s it right there.
    That’s DuLoc. I told ya I’d find it.
    
    SHREK
    So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle.
    
    DONKEY
    Uh-huh. That’s the place.
    
    SHREK
    Do you think maybe he’s compensating
    for something? (He laughs, but then
    groans as Donkey doesn’t get the joke.
    He continues walking through the parking
    lot.)
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
    
    MAN
    Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry.
    
    SHREK
    Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
    a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
    screams and begins running through the
    rows of rope to get to the front gate
    to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
    Look, I’m not gonna eat you. I just
    – – I just – – (He sighs and then begins
    walking straight through the rows. The
    attendant runs into a wall and falls
    down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
    continue on into DuLoc.)
    
    DULOC
    
    They look around but all is quiet.
    
    SHREK
    It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, look at this!
    
    Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
    marked ‘Information’. The music winds up and then the box doors
    open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
    to sing.
    
    WOODEN PEOPLE
    Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
    
    Here we have some rules
    
    Let us lay them down
    
    Don’t make waves, stay in line
    
    And we’ll get along fine
    
    DuLoc is perfect place
    
    Please keep off of the grass
    
    Shine your shoes, wipe your… face
    
    DuLoc is, DuLoc is
    
    DuLoc is perfect place.
    
    Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek’s picture.
    
    DONKEY
    Wow! Let’s do that again! (makes ready
    to run over and pull the lever again)
    
    SHREK
    (grabs Donkey’s tail and holds him still)
    No. No. No, no, no! No.
    
    They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Brave knights. You are the best and
    brightest in all the land. Today one
    of you shall prove himself…
    
    As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
    Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
    
    SHREK
    All right. You’re going the right way
    for a smacked bottom.
    
    DONKEY
    Sorry about that.
    
    FARQUAAD
    That champion shall have the honor –
    – no, no – – the privilege to go forth
    and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
    from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
    for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
    the first runner-up will take his place
    and so on and so forth. Some of you
    may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing
    to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
    begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
    that? It’s hideous!
    
    SHREK
    (turns to look at Donkey and then back
    at Farquaad) Ah, that’s not very nice.
    It’s just a donkey.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
    kills the ogre will be named champion!
    Have it him!
    
    MEN
    Get him!
    
    SHREK
    Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
    into a table where there are mugs of
    beer)
    
    CROWD
    Go ahead! Get him!
    
    SHREK
    (holds up a mug of beer) Can’t we just
    settle this over a pint?
    
    CROWD
    Kill the beast!
    
    SHREK
    No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
    Come on!
    
    He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
    of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
    other men and wetting the ground. It’s like mud now. Shrek slides
    past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
    As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
    beer barrels. It breaks free of it’s ropes and begins to roll.
    Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
    fighting going on here I’m not going to go into detail. Suffice
    to say that Shrek kicks butt.
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
    
    Shrek comes over and bangs a man’s head up against Donkeys. Shrek
    gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
    
    SHREK
    Yeah!
    
    A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
    and sees him.
    
    WOMAN
    The chair! Give him the chair!
    
    Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
    are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
    sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
    very much! I’m here till Thursday. Try
    the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
    
    The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
    Shrek.
    
    HEAD GUARD
    Shall I give the order, sir?
    
    FARQUAAD
    No, I have a better idea. People of
    DuLoc, I give you our champion!
    
    SHREK
    What?
    
    FARQUAAD
    Congratulations, ogre. You’re won the
    honor of embarking on a great and noble
    quest.
    
    SHREK
    Quest? I’m already in a quest, a quest
    to get my swamp back.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Your swamp?
    
    SHREK
    Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
    fairy tale creatures!
    
    FARQUAAD
    Indeed. All right, ogre. I’ll make you
    a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
    I’ll give you your swamp back.
    
    SHREK
    Exactly the way it was?
    
    FARQUAAD
    Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
    
    SHREK
    And the squatters?
    
    FARQUAAD
    As good as gone.
    
    SHREK
    What kind of quest?
    
    Time Lapse – Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
    heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
    
    DONKEY
    Let me get this straight. You’re gonna
    go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
    just so Farquaad will give you back
    a swamp which you only don’t have because
    he filled it full of freaks in the first
    place. Is that about right?
    
    SHREK
    You know, maybe there’s a good reason
    donkeys shouldn’t talk.
    
    DONKEY
    I don’t get it. Why don’t you just pull
    some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
    him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
    his bones to make your bread, the whole
    ogre trip.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
    decapitated an entire village and put
    their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
    cut open their spleen and drink their
    fluids. Does that sound good to you?
    
    DONKEY
    Uh, no, not really, no.
    
    SHREK
    For your information, there’s a lot
    more to ogres than people think.
    
    DONKEY
    Example?
    
    SHREK
    Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
    (he holds out his onion)
    
    DONKEY
    (sniffs the onion) They stink?
    
    SHREK
    Yes – – No!
    
    DONKEY
    They make you cry?
    
    SHREK
    No!
    
    DONKEY
    You leave them in the sun, they get
    all brown, start sproutin’ little white
    hairs.
    
    SHREK
    No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
    have layers! Onions have layers. You
    get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
    a sigh and then walks off)
    
    DONKEY
    (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
    have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
    not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
    loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
    
    SHREK
    I don’t care… what everyone likes.
    Ogres are not like cakes.
    
    DONKEY
    You know what else everybody likes?
    Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
    you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they
    say, “Hell no, I don’t like no parfait”?
    Parfaits are delicious.
    
    SHREK
    No! You dense, irritating, miniature
    beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
    And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
    
    DONKEY
    Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
    on the whole damn planet.
    
    SHREK
    You know, I think I preferred your humming.
    
    DONKEY
    Do you have a tissue or something? I’m
    making a mess. Just the word parfait
    make me start slobbering.
    
    They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
    a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
    to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
    so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
    
    DRAGON’S KEEP
    
    Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that’s supposed to
    house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
    
    DONKEY
    (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
    You gotta warn somebody before you just
    crack one off. My mouth was open and
    everything.
    
    SHREK
    Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d
    be dead. (sniffs) It’s brimstone. We
    must be getting close.
    
    DONKEY
    Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking
    about it’s the brimstone. I know what
    I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It
    didn’t come off no stone neither.
    
    They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
    is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
    the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
    foreboding.
    
    SHREK
    Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the
    location. (laughs…then the laugh turns
    into a groan)
    
    DONKEY
    Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
    ogres have layers?
    
    SHREK
    Oh, aye.
    
    DONKEY
    Well, I have a bit of a confession to
    make. Donkeys don’t have layers. We
    wear our fear right out there on our
    sleeves.
    
    SHREK
    Wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sleeves.
    
    DONKEY
    You know what I mean.
    
    SHREK
    You can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.
    
    DONKEY
    No, I’m just a little uncomfortable
    about being on a rickety bridge over
    a boiling like of lava!
    
    SHREK
    Come on, Donkey. I’m right here beside
    ya, okay? For emotional support., we’ll
    just tackle this thing together one
    little baby step at a time.
    
    DONKEY
    Really?
    
    SHREK
    Really, really.
    
    DONKEY
    Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
    
    SHREK
    Just keep moving. And don’t look down.
    
    DONKEY
    Okay, don’t look down. Don’t look down.
    Don’t look down. Keep on moving. Don’t
    look down. (he steps through a rotting
    board and ends up looking straight down
    into the lava) Shrek! I’m lookin’ down!
    Oh, God, I can’t do this! Just let me
    off, please!
    
    SHREK
    But you’re already halfway.
    
    DONKEY
    But I know that half is safe!
    
    SHREK
    Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this.
    You go back.
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek, no! Wait!
    
    SHREK
    Just, Donkey – – Let’s have a dance
    then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
    bridge)
    
    DONKEY
    Don’t do that!
    
    SHREK
    Oh, I’m sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
    the bridge again)
    
    DONKEY
    Yes, that!
    
    SHREK
    Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
    bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
    the bridge)
    
    DONKEY
    No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
    
    SHREK
    You said do it! I’m doin’ it.
    
    DONKEY
    I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shrek,
    I’m gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
    Oh!
    
    SHREK
    That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do. (walks
    towards the castle)
    
    DONKEY
    Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
    pain-in-the-neck anyway?
    
    SHREK
    Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
    (chuckles)
    
    DONKEY
    I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.
    
    INSIDE THE CASTLE
    
    DONKEY
    You afraid?
    
    SHREK
    No.
    
    DONKEY
    But…
    
    SHREK
    Shh.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
    and gasps) ‘Cause there’s nothin’ wrong
    with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible
    response to an unfamiliar situation.
    Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
    add. With a dragon that breathes fire
    and eats knights and breathes fire,
    it sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward
    if you’re a little scared. I sure as
    heck ain’t no coward. I know that.
    
    SHREK
    Donkey, two things, okay? Shut … up.
    Now go over there and see if you can
    find any stairs.
    
    DONKEY
    Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for
    the princess.
    
    SHREK
    (putting on a helmet) The princess will
    be up the stairs in the highest room
    in the tallest tower.
    
    DONKEY
    What makes you think she’ll be there?
    
    SHREK
    I read it in a book once. (walks off)
    
    DONKEY
    Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle
    the stairs. I’ll find those stairs.
    I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs
    won’t know which way they’re goin’.
    (walks off)
    
    EMPTY ROOM
    
    Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
    
    DONKEY
    I’m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
    to the curb. Don’t mess with me. I’m
    the stair master. I’ve mastered the
    stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
    I’d step all over it.
    
    ELSEWHERE
    
    Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
    
    SHREK
    Well, at least we know where the princess
    is, but where’s the…
    
    DONKEY
    (os) Dragon!
    
    Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
    Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
    breathes fire.
    
    SHREK
    Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
    a hold of the dragons tail and holds
    on) Got ya!
    
    The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it’s tail and Shrek
    goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
    tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
    on the floor.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh! Aah! Aah!
    
    Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
    part of the bridge he’s on.
    
    DONKEY
    No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
    what large teeth you have. (the dragon
    growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
    I know you probably hear this all time
    from your food, but you must bleach,
    ’cause that is one dazzling smile you
    got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
    freshness? And you know what else? You’re
    – – You’re a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
    I mean, of course you’re a girl dragon.
    You’re just reeking of feminine beauty.
    (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
    at him) What’s the matter with you?
    You got something in your eye? Ohh.
    Oh. Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay,
    but you know, I’m, uh…(the dragon
    blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
    heart right at him, and he coughs) I’m
    an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d
    work out if you’re gonna blow smoke
    rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
    up with her teeth and carries him off)
    No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
    
    FIONA’S ROOM
    
    Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
    so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
    then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
    the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
    Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
    a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
    and shakes her away.
    
    FIONA
    Oh! Oh!
    
    SHREK
    Wake up!
    
    FIONA
    What?
    
    SHREK
    Are you Princess Fiona?
    
    FIONA
    I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
    rescue me.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, that’s nice. Now let’s go!
    
    FIONA
    But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
    first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
    romantic moment?
    
    SHREK
    Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time.
    
    FIONA
    Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
    sweep me off my feet out yonder window
    and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
    
    SHREK
    You’ve had a lot of time to plan this,
    haven’t you?
    
    FIONA
    (smiles) Mm-hmm.
    
    Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
    the hallway.
    
    FIONA
    But we have to savor this moment! You
    could recite an epic poem for me. A
    ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
    
    SHREK
    I don’t think so.
    
    FIONA
    Can I at least know the name of my champion?
    
    SHREK
    Uh, Shrek.
    
    FIONA
    Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
    out a handkerchief) I pray that you
    take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
    
    SHREK
    Thanks!
    
    Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
    
    FIONA
    (surprised)You didn’t slay the dragon?
    
    SHREK
    It’s on my to-do list. Now come on!
    (takes off running and drags Fiona behind
    him.)
    
    FIONA
    But this isn’t right! You were meant
    to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
    That’s what all the other knights did.
    
    SHREK
    Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
    
    FIONA
    That’s not the point. (Shrek suddenly
    stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
    ignores her and heads for a wooden door
    off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
    going? The exit’s over there.
    
    SHREK
    Well, I have to save my ass.
    
    FIONA
    What kind of knight are you?
    
    SHREK
    One of a kind. (opens the door into
    the throne room)
    
    DONKEY
    (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
    I believe it’s healthy to get to know
    someone over a long period of time.
    Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
    worriedly) (we see him up close and
    from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
    the room) I don’t want to rush into
    a physical relationship. I’m not emotionally
    ready for a commitment of, uh, this
    – – Magnitude really is the word I’m
    looking for. Magnitude- – Hey, that
    is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
    are you doing? Okay, okay. Let’s just
    back up a little and take this one step
    at a time. We really should get to know
    each other first as friends or pen pals.
    I’m on the road a lot, but I just love
    receiving cards – – I’d really love
    to stay, but – – Don’t do that! That’s
    my tail! That’s my personal tail. You’re
    gonna tear it off. I don’t give permission
    – – What are you gonna do with that?
    Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
    No, no, no. No! Oh!
    
    Shrek grabs a chain that’s connected to the chandelier and swings
    toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
    up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
    He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
    Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
    Instead the dragon kisses Shreks’ butt. She opens her eyes and
    roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
    her head, but it’s too big and it goes over her head and forms
    a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
    take off running. Very ‘Matrix’ style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
    then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
    
    DONKEY
    Hi, Princess!
    
    FIONA
    It talks!
    
    SHREK
    Yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s
    the trick.
    
    They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
    a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
    crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
    eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
    off and walks lightly.
    
    SHREK
    Oh!
    
    Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
    
    SHREK
    Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I’ll
    take care of the dragon.
    
    Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
    castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
    chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
    is still around the dragons neck.
    
    SHREK
    (echoing) Run!
    
    They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
    pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
    breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
    for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
    are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
    in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
    get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
    dragon back and she’s unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
    quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
    sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
    
    FIONA
    (sliding down the ‘volcano’ hill) You
    did it! You rescued me! You’re amazing.
    (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
    You’re – – You’re wonderful. You’re…
    (turns and sees Shrek fall down the
    hill and bump into Donkey) a little
    unorthodox I’ll admit. But thy deed
    is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
    eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
    his throat.) And where would a brave
    knight be without his noble steed?
    
    DONKEY
    I hope you heard that. She called me
    a noble steed. She think I’m a steed.
    
    FIONA
    The battle is won. You may remove your
    helmet, good Sir Knight.
    
    SHREK
    Uh, no.
    
    FIONA
    Why not?
    
    SHREK
    I have helmet hair.
    
    FIONA
    Please. I would’st look upon the face
    of my rescuer.
    
    SHREK
    No, no, you wouldn’t – – ‘st.
    
    FIONA
    But how will you kiss me?
    
    SHREK
    What? (to Donkey) That wasn’t in the
    job description.
    
    DONKEY
    Maybe it’s a perk.
    
    FIONA
    No, it’s destiny. Oh, you must know
    how it goes. A princess locked in a
    tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
    by a brave knight, and then they share
    true love’s first kiss.
    
    DONKEY
    Hmm? With Shrek? You think- – Wait.
    Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
    love?
    
    FIONA
    Well, yes.
    
    Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
    
    DONKEY
    You think Shrek is your true love!
    
    FIONA
    What is so funny?
    
    SHREK
    Let’s just say I’m not your type, okay?Fiona:
    Of course, you are. You’re my rescuer.
    Now – – Now remove your helmet.
    
    SHREK
    Look. I really don’t think this is a
    good idea.
    
    FIONA
    Just take off the helmet.
    
    SHREK
    I’m not going to.
    
    FIONA
    Take it off.
    
    SHREK
    No!
    
    FIONA
    Now!
    
    SHREK
    Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
    (takes off his helmet)
    
    FIONA
    You- – You’re a- – an ogre.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
    
    FIONA
    Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
    all wrong. You’re not supposed to be
    an ogre.
    
    SHREK
    Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
    Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
    wants to marry you.
    
    FIONA
    Then why didn’t he come rescue me?
    
    SHREK
    Good question. You should ask him that
    when we get there.
    
    FIONA
    But I have to be rescued by my true
    love, not by some ogre and his- – his
    pet.
    
    DONKEY
    Well, so much for noble steed.
    
    SHREK
    You’re not making my job any easier.
    
    FIONA
    I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem.
    You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
    wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be
    waiting for him right here.
    
    SHREK
    Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, all
    right? (ominous) I’m a delivery boy.
    (he swiftly picks her up and swings
    her over his shoulder like she was a
    sack of potatoes)
    
    FIONA
    You wouldn’t dare. Put me down!
    
    SHREK
    Ya comin’, Donkey?
    
    DONKEY
    I’m right behind ya.
    
    FIONA
    Put me down, or you will suffer the
    consequences! This is not dignified!
    Put me down!
    
    WOODS
    
    A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
    hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
    
    DONKEY
    Okay, so here’s another question. Say
    there’s a woman that digs you, right,
    but you don’t really like her that way.
    How do you let her down real easy so
    her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t
    get burned to a crisp and eaten?
    
    FIONA
    You just tell her she’s not your true
    love. Everyone knows what happens when
    you find your…(Shrek drops her on
    the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
    DuLoc the better.
    
    DONKEY
    You’re gonna love it there, Princess.
    It’s beautiful!
    
    FIONA
    And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
    What’s he like?
    
    SHREK
    Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
    of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply.
    (he and Donkey laugh)
    
    Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
    the dust and grime.
    
    DONKEY
    I don’t know. There are those who think
    little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
    Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re
    just jealous you can never measure up
    to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
    
    SHREK
    Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess.
    But I’ll let you do the “measuring”
    when you see him tomorrow.
    
    FIONA
    (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
    It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop
    to make camp?
    
    SHREK
    No, that’ll take longer. We can keep
    going.
    
    FIONA
    But there’s robbers in the woods.
    
    DONKEY
    Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
    to sound good.
    
    SHREK
    Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything
    we’re going to see in this forest.
    
    FIONA
    I need to find somewhere to camp now!
    
    Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower as they shrink away from her.
    
    MOUNTAIN CLIFF
    
    Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
    a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
    
    SHREK
    Hey! Over here.
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek, we can do better than that. I
    don’t think this is fit for a princess.
    
    FIONA
    No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs
    a few homey touches.
    
    SHREK
    Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
    a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
    who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
    
    FIONA
    A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
    good night. (goes into the cave and
    puts the bark door up behind her)
    
    DONKEY
    You want me to read you a bedtime story?
    I will.
    
    FIONA
    (os) I said good night!
    
    Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
    boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
    still inside.
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek, What are you doing?
    
    SHREK
    (laughs) I just- – You know – – Oh,
    come on. I was just kidding.
    
    LATER THAT NIGHT
    
    Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
    up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
    to Donkey.
    
    SHREK
    And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback,
    the only ogre to ever spit over three
    wheat fields.
    
    DONKEY
    Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
    from these stars?
    
    SHREK
    The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey.
    They tell stories. Look, there’s Bloodnut,
    the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s
    famous for.
    
    DONKEY
    I know you’re making this up.
    
    SHREK
    No, look. There he is, and there’s the
    group of hunters running away from his
    stench.
    
    DONKEY
    That ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little
    dots.
    
    SHREK
    You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
    more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
    
    DONKEY
    (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
    we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
    
    SHREK
    Our swamp?
    
    DONKEY
    You know, when we’re through rescuing
    the princess.
    
    SHREK
    We? Donkey, there’s no “we”. There’s
    no “our”. There’s just me and my swamp.
    The first thing I’m gonna do is build
    a ten-foot wall around my land.
    
    DONKEY
    You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
    deep just now. You know what I think?
    I think this whole wall thing is just
    a way to keep somebody out.
    
    SHREK
    No, do ya think?
    
    DONKEY
    Are you hidin’ something?
    
    SHREK
    Never mind, Donkey.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, this is another one of those onion
    things, isn’t it?
    
    SHREK
    No, this is one of those drop-it and
    leave-it alone things.
    
    DONKEY
    Why don’t you want to talk about it?
    
    SHREK
    Why do you want to talk about it?
    
    DONKEY
    Why are you blocking?
    
    SHREK
    I’m not blocking.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, yes, you are.
    
    SHREK
    Donkey, I’m warning you.
    
    DONKEY
    Who you trying to keep out?
    
    SHREK
    Everyone! Okay?
    
    DONKEY
    (pause) Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere.
    (grins)
    
    At this point Fiona pulls the ‘door’ away from the entrance to
    the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
    
    SHREK
    Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
    walks over to the edge of the cliff
    and sits down)
    
    DONKEY
    What’s your problem? What you got against
    the whole world anyway?
    
    SHREK
    Look, I’m not the one with the problem,
    okay? It’s the world that seems to have
    a problem with me. People take one look
    at me and go. “Aah! Help! Run! A big,
    stupid, ugly ogre!” They judge me before
    they even know me. That’s why I’m better
    off alone.
    
    DONKEY
    You know what? When we met, I didn’t
    think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
    ogre.
    
    SHREK
    Yeah, I know.
    
    DONKEY
    So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
    
    SHREK
    Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small
    and Annoying.
    
    DONKEY
    Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
    one, right there. That one there?
    
    Fiona puts the door back.
    
    SHREK
    That’s the moon.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, okay.
    
    DuLoc – Farquaad’s Bedroom
    
    The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
    in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
    Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
    show her to me. Show me the princess.
    
    MIRROR
    Hmph.
    
    The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Ah. Perfect.
    
    Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
    to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
    at her image in the mirror.
    
    MORNING
    
    Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
    who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
    across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
    with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
    to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
    big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
    she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
    is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
    sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey’s talking
    in his sleep.
    
    DONKEY
    (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
    it like that. Come on, baby. I said
    I like it.
    
    SHREK
    Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
    
    DONKEY
    Huh? What?
    
    SHREK
    Wake up.
    
    DONKEY
    What? (stretches and yawns)
    
    FIONA
    Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
    eggs?
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, good morning, Princess!
    
    Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
    
    SHREK
    What’s all this about?
    
    FIONA
    You know, we kind of got off to a bad
    start yesterday. I wanted to make it
    up to you. I mean, after all, you did
    rescue me.
    
    SHREK
    Uh, thanks.
    
    Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
    
    FIONA
    Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead
    of us. (walks off)
    
    LATER
    
    They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
    forest. Shrek belches.
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek!
    
    SHREK
    What? It’s a compliment. Better out
    than in, I always say. (laughs)
    
    DONKEY
    Well, it’s no way to behave in front
    of a princess.
    
    Fiona belches
    
    FIONA
    Thanks.
    
    DONKEY
    She’s as nasty as you are.
    
    SHREK
    (chuckles) You know, you’re not exactly
    what I expected.
    
    FIONA
    Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people
    before you get to know them.
    
    She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
    from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
    a tree.
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    La liberte! Hey!
    
    SHREK
    Princess!
    
    FIONA
    (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
    And I am rescuing you from this green…(kisses
    up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
    disgust)…beast.
    
    SHREK
    Hey! That’s my princess! Go find you
    own!
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    Please, monster! Can’t you see I’m a
    little busy here?
    
    FIONA
    (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don’t
    know who you think you are!
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
    let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
    (laughs)
    
    Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
    from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin’s theme song.
    
    MERRY MEN
    Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    I steal from the rich and give to the
    needy.
    
    MERRY MEN
    He takes a wee percentage,
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    But I’m not greedy. I rescue pretty
    damsels, man, I’m good.
    
    MERRY MEN
    What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    Break it down. I like an honest fight
    and a saucy little maid…
    
    MERRY MEN
    What he’s basically saying is he likes
    to get…
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    Paid. So…When an ogre in the bush
    grabs a lady by the tush. That’s bad.
    
    MERRY MEN
    That’s bad.
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    When a beauty’s with a beast it makes
    me awfully mad.
    
    MERRY MEN
    He’s mad, he’s really, really mad.
    
    ROBIN HOOD
    I’ll take my blade and ram it through
    your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
    ’cause I’m about to start…
    
    There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
    knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
    
    FIONA
    Man, that was annoying!
    
    Shrek looks at her in admiration.
    
    MERRY MAN
    Oh, you little- – (shoots an arrow at
    Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
    
    The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek’s arms to
    get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
    
    Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
    then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
    a very interesting ‘Matrix’ moment here when Fiona pauses in
    mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
    and Fiona begins walking away.
    
    FIONA
    Uh, shall we?
    
    SHREK
    Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
    walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
    whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
    from?
    
    FIONA
    What?
    
    SHREK
    That! Back there. That was amazing!
    Where did you learn that?
    
    FIONA
    Well…(laughs) when one lives alone,
    uh, one has to learn these things in
    case there’s a…(gasps and points)
    there’s an arrow in your butt!
    
    SHREK
    What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
    look at that? (he goes to pull it out
    but flinches because it’s tender)
    
    FIONA
    Oh, no. This is all my fault. I’m so
    sorry.
    
    DONKEY
    (walking up) Why? What’s wrong?
    
    FIONA
    Shrek’s hurt.
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek’s hurt. Shrek’s hurt? Oh, no,
    Shrek’s gonna die.
    
    SHREK
    Donkey, I’m okay.
    
    DONKEY
    You can’t do this to me, Shrek. I’m
    too young for you to die. Keep you legs
    elevated. Turn your head and cough.
    Does anyone know the Heimlich?
    
    FIONA
    Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
    Shrek, run into the woods and find me
    a blue flower with red thorns.
    
    DONKEY
    Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on
    it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die
    Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
    away from the light!
    
    SHREK & FIONA
    Donkey!
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
    (runs off)
    
    SHREK
    What are the flowers for?
    
    FIONA
    (like it’s obvious) For getting rid
    of Donkey.
    
    SHREK
    Ah.
    
    FIONA
    Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this
    thing out. (gives the arrow a little
    pull)
    
    SHREK
    (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
    yankin’.
    
    As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
    Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
    
    FIONA
    I’m sorry, but it has to come out.
    
    SHREK
    No, it’s tender.
    
    FIONA
    Now, hold on.
    
    SHREK
    What you’re doing is the opposite of
    help.
    
    FIONA
    Don’t move.
    
    SHREK
    Look, time out.
    
    FIONA
    Would you…(grunts as Shrek puts his
    hand over her face to stop her from
    getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
    you propose we do?
    
    ELSEWHERE
    
    Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
    
    DONKEY
    Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
    red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
    This would be so much easier if I wasn’t
    color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
    
    SHREK
    (os) Ow!
    
    DONKEY
    Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’! (rips a
    flower off a nearby bush that just happens
    to be a blue flower with red thorns)
    
    THE FOREST PATH
    
    SHREK
    Ow! Not good.
    
    FIONA
    Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
    (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It’s just
    about…
    
    SHREK
    Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
    over with Fiona on top of him)
    
    DONKEY
    Ahem.
    
    SHREK
    (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
    happend. We were just, uh – –
    
    DONKEY
    Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
    you had to do was ask. Okay?
    
    SHREK
    Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on
    my mind. The princess here was just-
    – (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
    turns to look at Fiona who holds up
    the arrow with a smile) Ow!
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, what’s that? (nervous chuckle)
    That’s…is that blood?
    
    Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
    on their way.
    
    There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
    Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
    small brook so that Fiona won’t get wet. Shrek then gets up as
    Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
    into it’s upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
    and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
    that’s on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
    around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
    eating like it’s a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
    Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
    it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
    it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
    arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
    
    WINDMILL
    
    SHREK
    There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
    you.
    
    FIONA
    That’s DuLoc?
    
    DONKEY
    Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
    Lord Farquaad’s compensating for something,
    which I think means he has a really…(Shrek
    steps on his hoof) Ow!
    
    SHREK
    Um, I, uh- – I guess we better move
    on.
    
    FIONA
    Sure. But, Shrek? I’m – – I’m worried
    about Donkey.
    
    SHREK
    What?
    
    FIONA
    I mean, look at him. He doesn’t look
    so good.
    
    DONKEY
    What are you talking about? I’m fine.
    
    FIONA
    (kneels to look him in the eyes) That’s
    what they always say, and then next
    thing you know, you’re on your back.
    (pause) Dead.
    
    SHREK
    You know, she’s right. You look awful.
    Do you want to sit down?
    
    FIONA
    Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea.
    
    DONKEY
    I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I
    got this twinge in my neck, and when
    I turn my head like this, look, (turns
    his neck in a very sharp way until his
    head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
    
    SHREK
    Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.
    
    FIONA
    I’ll get the firewood.
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t
    feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
    I don’t have any toes! I think I need
    a hug.
    
    SUNSET
    
    Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
    Fiona eats.
    
    FIONA
    Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
    What is this?
    
    SHREK
    Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
    
    FIONA
    No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
    
    SHREK
    Well, they’re also great in stews. Now,
    I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean
    weed rat stew. (chuckles)
    
    Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
    
    FIONA
    I guess I’ll be dining a little differently
    tomorrow night.
    
    SHREK
    Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
    sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff
    for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
    – – you name it.
    
    FIONA
    (smiles) I’d like that.
    
    They smiles at each other.
    
    SHREK
    Um, Princess?
    
    FIONA
    Yes, Shrek?
    
    SHREK
    I, um, I was wondering…are you…(sighs)
    Are you gonna eat that?
    
    DONKEY
    (chuckles) Man, isn’t this romantic?
    Just look at that sunset.
    
    FIONA
    (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it’s
    late. I-It’s very late.
    
    SHREK
    What?
    
    DONKEY
    Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on
    here. You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t
    you?
    
    FIONA
    Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified.
    You know, I’d better go inside.
    
    DONKEY
    Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to
    be afraid of the dark, too, until –
    – Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of
    the dark.
    
    Shrek sighs
    
    FIONA
    Good night.
    
    SHREK
    Good night.
    
    Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
    at Shrek with a new eye.
    
    DONKEY
    Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on
    here.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, what are you talkin’ about?
    
    DONKEY
    I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m
    an animal, and I got instincts. And
    I know you two were diggin’ on each
    other. I could feel it.
    
    SHREK
    You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her
    back to Farquaad.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
    the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
    her how you feel.
    
    SHREK
    I- – There’s nothing to tell. Besides,
    even if I did tell her that, well, you
    know – – and I’m not sayin’ I do ’cause
    I don’t – – she’s a princess, and I’m
    – –
    
    DONKEY
    An ogre?
    
    SHREK
    Yeah. An ogre.
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, where you goin’?
    
    SHREK
    To get… move firewood. (sighs)
    
    Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
    is.
    
    TIME LAPSE
    
    Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
    nowhere to be seen.
    
    DONKEY
    Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
    where are you? Princess?
    
    Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can’t see her.
    
    DONKEY
    It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing
    no games.
    
    Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn’t
    look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
    out.
    
    DONKEY
    Aah!
    
    FIONA
    Oh, no!
    
    DONKEY
    No, help!
    
    FIONA
    Shh!
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
    
    FIONA
    No, it’s okay. It’s okay.
    
    DONKEY
    What did you do with the princess?
    
    FIONA
    Donkey, I’m the princess.
    
    DONKEY
    Aah!
    
    FIONA
    It’s me, in this body.
    
    DONKEY
    Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
    her stomach) Can you hear me?
    
    FIONA
    Donkey!
    
    DONKEY
    (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
    keep breathing! I’ll get you out of
    there!
    
    FIONA
    No!
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
    
    FIONA
    Shh.
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek!
    
    FIONA
    This is me.
    
    Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
    down.
    
    DONKEY
    Princess? What happened to you? You’re,
    uh, uh, uh, different.
    
    FIONA
    I’m ugly, okay?
    
    DONKEY
    Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
    ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
    bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
    Now – –
    
    FIONA
    No. I – – I’ve been this way as long
    as I can remember.
    
    DONKEY
    What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never
    seen you like this before.
    
    FIONA
    It only happens when sun goes down.
    “By night one way, by day another. This
    shall be the norm… until you find
    true love’s first kiss… and then take
    love’s true form.”
    
    DONKEY
    Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know
    you wrote poetry.
    
    FIONA
    It’s a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
    girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
    night I become this. This horrible,
    ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
    to await the day my true love would
    rescue me. That’s why I have to marry
    Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
    sets and he sees me like this. (begins
    to cry)
    
    DONKEY
    All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
    it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly.
    Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly.
    But you only look like this at night.
    Shrek’s ugly 24-7.
    
    FIONA
    But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this
    is not how a princess is meant to look.
    
    DONKEY
    Princess, how ’bout if you don’t marry
    Farquaad?
    
    FIONA
    I have to. Only my true love’s kiss
    can break the spell.
    
    DONKEY
    But, you know, um, you’re kind of an
    orge, and Shrek – – well, you got a
    lot in common.
    
    FIONA
    Shrek?
    
    OUTSIDE
    
    Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
    hand.
    
    SHREK
    (to himself) Princess, I – – Uh, how’s
    it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
    for me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower
    and thought of you because it’s pretty
    and – – well, I don’t really like it,
    but I thought you might like it ’cause
    you’re pretty. But I like you anyway.
    I’d – – uh, uh…(sighs) I’m in trouble.
    Okay, here we go.
    
    He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
    and Fiona talking.
    
    FIONA
    (os) I can’t just marry whoever I want.
    Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
    really, who can ever love a beast so
    hideous and ugly? “Princess” and “ugly”
    don’t go together. That’s why I can’t
    stay here with Shrek.
    
    Shrek steps back in shock.
    
    FIONA
    (os) My only chance to live happily
    ever after is to marry my true love.
    
    Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
    away.
    
    INSIDE
    
    FIONA
    Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how
    it has to be. It’s the only way to break
    the spell.
    
    DONKEY
    You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
    
    FIONA
    No! You can’t breathe a word. No one
    must ever know.
    
    DONKEY
    What’s the point of being able to talk
    if you gotta keep secrets?
    
    FIONA
    Promise you won’t tell. Promise!
    
    DONKEY
    All right, all right. I won’t tell him.
    But you should. (goes outside) I just
    know before this is over, I’m gonna
    need a whole lot of serious therapy.
    Look at my eye twitchin’.
    
    Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
    down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
    inside the windmill.
    
    MORNING
    
    Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
    awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
    
    FIONA
    I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
    I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
    runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
    Shrek, there’s something I want…(she
    looks and sees the rising sun, and as
    the sun crests the sky she turns back
    into a human.)
    
    Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
    her.
    
    FIONA
    Shrek. Are you all right?
    
    SHREK
    Perfect! Never been better.
    
    FIONA
    I – – I don’t – – There’s something
    I have to tell you.
    
    SHREK
    You don’t have to tell me anything,
    Princess. I heard enough last night.
    
    FIONA
    You heard what I said?
    
    SHREK
    Every word.
    
    FIONA
    I thought you’d understand.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, I understand. Like you said, “Who
    could love a hideous, ugly beast?”
    
    FIONA
    But I thought that wouldn’t matter to
    you.
    
    SHREK
    Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
    him in shock. He looks past her and
    spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
    on time. Princess, I’ve brought you
    a little something.
    
    Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
    sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he’s only
    like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
    march by.
    
    DONKEY
    What’d I miss? What’d I miss? (spots
    the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
    Couldn’t have been the donkey.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Princess Fiona.
    
    SHREK
    As promised. Now hand it over.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
    of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
    out, as agreed. Take it and go before
    I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
    Forgive me, Princess, for startling
    you, but you startled me, for I have
    never seen such a radiant beauty before.
    I’m Lord Farquaad.
    
    FIONA
    Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
    snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
    for I was just saying a short… (Watches
    as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
    and set down in front of her. He comes
    to her waist.) farewell.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have
    to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s
    not like it has feelings.
    
    FIONA
    No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
    
    Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
    Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
    Will you be the perfect bride for the
    perfect groom?
    
    FIONA
    Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
    make – –
    
    FARQUAAD
    (interrupting) Excellent! I’ll start
    the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
    
    FIONA
    No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get
    married today before the sun sets.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Oh, anxious, are you? You’re right.
    The sooner, the better. There’s so much
    to do! There’s the caterer, the cake,
    the band, the guest list. Captain, round
    up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
    on the back of his horse)
    
    FIONA
    Fare-thee-well, ogre.
    
    Farquaad’s whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
    them go.
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting
    her get away.
    
    SHREK
    Yeah? So what?
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek, there’s something about her you
    don’t know. Look, I talked to her last
    night, She’s – –
    
    SHREK
    I know you talked to her last night.
    You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if
    you two are such good friends, why don’t
    you follow her home?
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek, I – – I wanna go with you.
    
    SHREK
    I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming
    home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
    Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
    Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
    talking donkeys!
    
    DONKEY
    But I thought – –
    
    SHREK
    Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
    (stomps off)
    
    DONKEY
    Shrek.
    
    Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
    being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
    into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
    alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
    
    SHREK’S HOME
    
    Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
    outside to investigate.
    
    SHREK
    Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
    with what he’s doing.) What are you
    doing?
    
    DONKEY
    I would think, of all people, you would
    recognize a wall when you see one.
    
    SHREK
    Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed
    to go around my swamp, not through it.
    
    DONKEY
    It is around your half. See that’s your
    half, and this is my half.
    
    SHREK
    Oh! Your half. Hmm.
    
    DONKEY
    Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
    I did half the work. I get half the
    booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
    the one that looks like your head.
    
    SHREK
    Back off!
    
    DONKEY
    No, you back off.
    
    SHREK
    This is my swamp!
    
    DONKEY
    Our swamp.
    
    SHREK
    (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
    with) Let go, Donkey!
    
    DONKEY
    You let go.
    
    SHREK
    Stubborn jackass!
    
    DONKEY
    Smelly ogre.
    
    SHREK
    Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
    away)
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through
    with you yet.
    
    SHREK
    Well, I’m through with you.
    
    DONKEY
    Uh-uh. You know, with you it’s always,
    “Me, me, me!” Well, guess what! Now
    it’s my turn! So you just shut up and
    pay attention! You are mean to me. You
    insult me and you don’t appreciate anything
    that I do! You’re always pushing me
    around or pushing me away.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
    bad, how come you came back?
    
    DONKEY
    Because that’s what friends do! They
    forgive each other!
    
    SHREK
    Oh, yeah. You’re right, Donkey. I forgive
    you… for stabbin’ me in the back!
    (goes into the outhouse and slams the
    door)
    
    DONKEY
    Ohh! You’re so wrapped up in layers,
    onion boy, you’re afraid of your own
    feelings.
    
    SHREK
    (os) Go away!
    
    DONKEY
    There you are , doing it again just
    like you did to Fiona. All she ever
    do was like you, maybe even love you.
    
    SHREK
    (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
    hideous creature. I heard the two of
    you talking.
    
    DONKEY
    She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was
    talkin’ about, uh, somebody else.
    
    SHREK
    (opens the door and comes out) She wasn’t
    talking about me? Well, then who was
    she talking about?
    
    DONKEY
    Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything.
    You don’t wanna listen to me. Right?
    Right?
    
    SHREK
    Donkey!
    
    DONKEY
    No!
    
    SHREK
    Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right? (sigh)
    I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big,
    stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?
    
    SHREK
    Right. Friends?
    
    DONKEY
    Friends.
    
    SHREK
    So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
    
    DONKEY
    What are you asking me for? Why don’t
    you just go ask her?
    
    SHREK
    The wedding! We’ll never make it in
    time.
    
    DONKEY
    Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s
    a will, there’s a way and I have a way.
    (whistles)
    
    Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
    they can climb on.
    
    SHREK
    Donkey?
    
    DONKEY
    I guess it’s just my animal magnetism.
    
    They both laugh.
    
    SHREK
    Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
    noogie)
    
    DONKEY
    All right, all right. Don’t get all
    slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
    right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t
    had a chance to install the seat belts
    yet.
    
    They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
    
    DULOC – CHURCH
    
    Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
    The prompter card guy holds up a card that says ‘Revered Silence’.
    
    PRIEST
    People of DuLoc, we gather here today
    to bear witness to the union….
    
    FIONA
    (eyeing the setting sun) Um-
    
    PRIEST
    …of our new king…
    
    FIONA
    Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
    to the “I do’s”?
    
    FARQUAAD
    (chuckles and then motions to the priest
    to indulge Fiona) Go on.
    
    COURTYARD
    
    Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
    a boom. The guards all take off running.
    
    DONKEY
    (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
    If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about
    that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
    Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
    wanna do this right, don’t you?
    
    SHREK
    (at the Church door) What are you talking
    about?
    
    DONKEY
    There’s a line you gotta wait for. The
    preacher’s gonna say, “Speak now or
    forever hold your peace.” That’s when
    you say, “I object!”
    
    SHREK
    I don’t have time for this!
    
    DONKEY
    Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
    to me! Look, you love this woman, don’t
    you?
    
    SHREK
    Yes.
    
    DONKEY
    You wanna hold her?
    
    SHREK
    Yes.
    
    DONKEY
    Please her?
    
    SHREK
    Yes!
    
    DONKEY
    (singing James Brown style) Then you
    got to, got to try a little tenderness.
    (normal) The chicks love that romantic
    crap!
    
    SHREK
    All right! Cut it out. When does this
    guy say the line?
    
    DONKEY
    We gotta check it out.
    
    INSIDE CHURCH
    
    As the priest talks we see Donkey’s shadow through one of the
    windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
    
    PRIEST
    And so, by the power vested in me…
    
    Outside
    
    SHREK
    What do you see?
    
    DONKEY
    The whole town’s in there.
    
    Inside
    
    PRIEST
    I now pronounce you husband and wife…
    
    Outside
    
    DONKEY
    They’re at the altar.
    
    Inside
    
    PRIEST
    …king and queen.
    
    Outside
    
    DONKEY
    Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
    
    SHREK
    Oh, for the love of Pete!
    
    He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
    
    INSIDE CHURCH
    
    SHREK
    (running toward the alter) I object!
    
    FIONA
    Shrek?
    
    The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Oh, now what does he want?
    
    SHREK
    (to congregation as he reaches the front
    of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin’
    a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
    of all. Very clean.
    
    FIONA
    What are you doing here?
    
    SHREK
    Really, it’s rude enough being alive
    when no one wants you, but showing up
    uninvited to a wedding…
    
    SHREK
    Fiona! I need to talk to you.
    
    FIONA
    Oh, now you wanna talk? It’s a little
    late for that, so if you’ll excuse me
    – –
    
    SHREK
    But you can’t marry him.
    
    FIONA
    And why not?
    
    SHREK
    Because- – Because he’s just marring
    you so he can be king.
    
    FARQUAAD
    Outrageous! Fiona, don’t listen to him.
    
    SHREK
    He’s not your true love.
    
    FIONA
    And what do you know about true love?
    
    SHREK
    Well, I – – Uh – – I mean – –
    
    FARQUAAD
    Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
    in love with the princess! Oh, good
    Lord. (laughs)
    
    The prompter card guy holds up a card that says ‘Laugh’. The
    whole congregation laughs.
    
    FARQUAAD
    An ogre and a princess!
    
    FIONA
    Shrek, is this true?
    
    FARQUAAD
    Who cares? It’s preposterous! Fiona,
    my love, we’re but a kiss away from
    our “happily ever after.” Now kiss me!
    (puckers his lips and leans toward her,
    but she pulls back.)
    
    FIONA
    (looking at the setting sun) “By night
    one way, by day another.” (to Shrek)
    I wanted to show you before.
    
    She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
    She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
    
    SHREK
    Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
    smiles)
    
    FARQUAAD
    Ugh! It’s disgusting! Guards! Guards!
    I order you to get that out of my sight
    now! Get them! Get them both!
    
    The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
    them.
    
    SHREK
    No, no!
    
    FIONA
    Shrek!
    
    FARQUAAD
    This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
    marriage is binding, and that makes
    me king! See? See?
    
    FIONA
    No, let go of me! Shrek!
    
    SHREK
    No!
    
    FARQUAAD
    Don’t just stand there, you morons.
    
    SHREK
    Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
    
    FARQUAAD
    I’ll make you regret the day we met.
    I’ll see you drawn and quartered! You’ll
    beg for death to save you!
    
    FIONA
    No, Shrek!
    
    FARQUAAD
    (hold a dagger to Fiona’s throat) And
    as for you, my wife…
    
    SHREK
    Fiona!
    
    FARQUAAD
    I’ll have you locked back in that tower
    for the rest of your days! I’m king!
    
    Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
    
    FARQUAAD
    I will have order! I will have perfection!
    I will have – – (Donkey and the dragon
    show up and the dragon leans down and
    eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
    
    DONKEY
    All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
    here, and I’m not afraid to use it.
    (The dragon roars.) I’m a donkey on
    the edge!
    
    The dragon belches and Farquaad’s crown flies out of her mouth
    and falls to the ground.
    
    DONKEY
    Celebrity marriages. They never last,
    do they?
    
    The congregation cheers.
    
    DONKEY
    Go ahead, Shrek.
    
    SHREK
    Uh, Fiona?
    
    FIONA
    Yes, Shrek?
    
    SHREK
    I – – I love you.
    
    FIONA
    Really?
    
    SHREK
    Really, really.
    
    FIONA
    (smiles) I love you too.
    
    Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
    ‘Awwww’ on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
    
    CONGREGATION
    Aawww!
    
    Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She’s lifted
    up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
    her.
    
    WHISPERS
    “Until you find true love’s first kiss
    and then take love’s true form. Take
    love’s true form. Take love’s true form.”
    
    Suddenly Fiona’s eyes open wide. She’s consumed by the spell
    and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
    
    SHREK
    (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
    you all right?
    
    FIONA
    (standing up, she’s still an ogre) Well,
    yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed
    to be beautiful.
    
    SHREK
    But you ARE beautiful.
    
    They smile at each other.
    
    DONKEY
    (chuckles) I was hoping this would be
    a happy ending.
    
    Shrek and Fiona kiss…and the kiss fades into…
    
    THE SWAMP
    
    …their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. ‘I’m
    a Believer’ by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
    and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
    carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
    which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
    up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
    instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
    has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
    walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
    singing the song.
    
    GINGERBREAD MAN
    God bless us, every one.
    
    DONKEY
    (as he’s done singing and we fade to
    black) Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh. I can’t
    breathe. I can’t breathe.
    
    THE END
    
    2019-07-11 21:45:57 UTC 1
    - Littleman (Part-Time Succubus (New Demon Boss)) · 6 years, 11 months ago
      
      Replying to: Humble Damien
      This joke has gone too far
      
      2019-07-12 01:00:42 UTC 0
      
      Daveyy- · 6 years, 11 months ago
      
      Replying to: Littleman (Part-Time Succubus (New Demon Boss))This joke has gone too far
      Nice mate I could have finished the movie in that time
      
      2019-07-12 03:21:16 UTC 0
      
      Littleman (Part-Time Succubus (New Demon Boss)) · 6 years, 11 months ago
      
      Replying to: Daveyy-Nice mate I could have finished the movie in that time
      Lol
      
      2019-07-12 19:26:26 UTC 0
- Ralph (Developer) · 6 years, 11 months ago
  FAKE
  
  ASS
  
  NEWS
  
  https://www.businessinsider.com/bees-cant-fly-scientifically-incorrect-2017-12
  
  tl;dr – tiny hurricanes
  2019-07-13 14:27:14 UTC 1
  - Littleman (Part-Time Succubus (New Demon Boss)) · 6 years, 11 months ago
    Replying to: Ralph (Developer)FAKE ASS NEWS https://www.businessinsider.com/bees-cant-f
    Lol
    
    2019-07-14 20:17:30 UTC 0