Why do you seem to have the most chaotic life, you’re like a cartoon character, living with a woman weilding a f**king sword.

Also, please tell me she hasn’t tried using it on someone before. If she has, she needs it taken off her or at least in a safe place as a trigger happy nutcase weilding the sword that decimated Europe isn’t very safe to be around

Not exactly, you’re thinking of the ‘Lightsaber’ swords of the movies. In reality, most soldiers would fall and then die from either being trampled or bleeding out or if they were unlucky enough, being finished off if their side lost by the opposing side.

However, that’s people wearing all sorts of protective gear so I’m not sure if a shirt saying ‘i love bionicles’ is going to save you from the classical eras most feared weapon (aside from war elephants, they scary as f**k)

All you have to do is love her with all your heart and treat her like you wish you had been treated. You said she was quite wealthy so I’m sure she can give you the life you’ve always deserved.
You should try to impress her with your knowledge of weaponry and stuff from the classical and medieval era (and the other ones you may like), I’d love to help out on that too being as historical weaponry is my caffeine.