Heavy: Ya-da-da-da-da-da- It is good day to be not dead!

Engineer: POW! You are dead!

Heavy: I am dead!

Engineer: Chuckling, while spy is doing the conga towards the scene (The Engineer says aw, shucks” as the Spy gets close.)

Spy: Oh! The Heavy is dead!

Heavy: Yes (Sandwich). I am dead!

Spy: Why is the Heavy dead?!

Engineer: I dunno.

Heavy: I think it was-

Engineer & Spy: Shhh, you are dead!

Heavy: Ok.

(Sniper enters scene exiting van)

Sniper: What’s up, you wankers?! Who’s up for a- AH! What the- bloody hell just happened?!

Engineer & Spy: The Heavy is dead!

(A, B, C, or D game starts)

Sniper: The Heavy is dead!

Spy: Correct!

(Option C lights up and celebration music starts playing)

Spy: So, did you see the murderer?

Engineer and Sniper: Nah, sorry mate.

Spy: Slams hand on desk I will find him, I will capture him, and no one will ever die again!

(Engineer and Sniper applause)

Sniper: Ah, well that’s nice.

Engineer: I am damn proud right now.

(Soldier appears in scene)

Soldier: Atteeeeeeeeention!

(Soldier rushes to dead Heavy)

Soldier: That Heavy is dead!

Spy: We know!

Soldier: Who killed him?!

Spy: We don’t know!

Soldier: I will find clues!

(Soldier searches through pile of stuff while sniffing)

Soldier: What’s that? Grabs gun A weapon?! That thing is why the Heavy is dead!

Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: The Heavy is dead?!

Soldier: Slams hands on desk Yes, (Intense background appears) he died!

Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: All shocked

(Intense background stops, showing the Engineer, Sniper, and Spy standing in front of a green screen)

Medic: (From far away) Incoming!

(Ambulance crashes Soldier into a building wall, killing him.)

Medic: Exits out of Ambulance Raus, raus! Pushes Engineer, Sniper, and Spy away from Heavy Move now! Kisses Heavy on head

(Heavenly music sounds while the light focuses on Heavy)

Heavy: (Rising in air) Hohoho, Hea- Explodes Oof.

Medic: In my medical opinion, that Heavy is dead!

(Camera rotates to Sniper)

Sniper: Doc, what happened?

Medic: My professional opinion? Slams hands on desk then turns to the right (Intense background comes in) The Heavy was killed!

(Intense background stops)

Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: Panicking

Medic: I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.

Spy: Well, now what?

(Scout entering while doing the conga in the background)

Scout: Clipidy clop mother****er! Boom!

Spy: Says “Oh, come on.” before Scout says boom

Scout: Look at this! The freaking Heavy is dead! Pause What do you think of that? Pause Ahm…

Spy: Yes, yes, Scout.

Scout: Yea?

Spy: Go home!

(Scout’s mother appears in a car telling Scout to get in)

Scout: Ah come on! Pffff! Freaking unbelievable seriously, you all suck.

(Car drives off and crashing noise is heard)

Scout: Screams of pain

Spy: Ok, let’s get back to the point.

Heavy: Poking at his dead body I think Heavy is dead.

Engineer, Sniper, Spy, and Medic: The Heavy is dead?!

Medic: Turns around and notices dead scout in burning car Scout! I will heal you- Car explodes and camera goes back to Heavy

Heavy: Oh, Seriously?! Who killed Heavy?!

(Camera shows on Demoman drinking Scrumpy)

Demoman: Slurp Slurp It was me!

Engineer, Sniper, Spy, and Heavy: Shocked

Demoman: Yes! Bottle of Scrumpy slides up Demoman’s body and Demoman eats the bottle I did it like this: Takes out a revolver and shoots Sniper in chest Boom! Demoman flies off from force of revolver blast

Sniper: Screams of pain

Demoman: Woop dee doo!

Engineer, Spy, and Heavy: Are terrified seeing Sniper’s dead body

Demoman: Burps That’s a joke, lads.

Engineer, Spy, and Heavy: Starts laughing like crazy

Demoman: Slurp Slurp Burp It was… yo-… Burp Points at Engineer Him!

Engineer: Shocked How did you know?!

Demoman: I didn’t. Burps That was a joke too.

(Camera moves to Engineer, as the Demoman keeps drinking faster)

Demoman: Falls on ground Oh, I’m dead.

Engineer: Manic laughter That’s right! It was me!

Spy: You monster!

Heavy: But whyyyyy?

Engineer: Cause you’re fat, boy. And another thing, you’re ugly.

Heavy: Engineer, stop!

Engineer and Heavy: Arguing

Spy: Shrugs (Text appears saying : IT’S TRADITION)

Engineer: Ah dammit Heavy **** off! You are dead.

Heavy: No u, POW! Haha.

(Engineer falls dead on floor)

Heavy: You are dead! Not big surprise.

Spy: Well that was idiotic. Off to hang myself! Spy doing flip on noose Watch and lea- Choking noises

Heavy: I am alive! Is nice. Yes, this is stupid.